The things I HATE about you

Yeah.. i have to admit that for my past 17+ years, you had been a really good mother to me. You are still a good mother, really. However, I am a rebellious daughter deep inside. I rarely talk back, close to never. But right now, I really feel like talking back. I sort of envy people who are able to just tell their parents what they want, to talk back. At least they made themselves clear. I really wish that I have the courage to talk back. I really wanted so much to shout back at her, "你知道我最讨厌你什么吗？ 就是你每次不懂装懂。 每次只会在我退步的时候指责我，而不在我进步时夸奖我。 你就不能看到我如何往好的方面走吗？你就一定要一直说我会有此结果都是我自找的吗？你就不能说点好的吗？我在你心里真的就是那么糟糕吗？“

Of course, I did not do that. The only time I remember i "talk back" is when I was doing a card for my teacher and she came up with some suggestions, which I did not accept. She got a little unhappy and said some things, which made me unhappy too. I forgot what it was about, but that was the only time I ever "talk back". To others, it's not even what they call "talk back", it's just telling her something. I really envy how my friend can just talk back to her mother when she really felt that her mother is doing something wrong to her, or maligning her etc. How i wish that i can do that too.

When i improved, you did not say anything to me. No encouragements, no praises, nothing. But once the condition turned for the worse, you immediately pointed it out, and shoot at me. Is this what you call the traditional chinese way of treating your children? If that is the traditional chinese way, then that is something I HATE about my tradition. Do you know that sometimes, it's not the fact that you're pointing something bad that will make me change for the better, to strive for improvement, it is in fact, the encouragements and praises that do the job.

你难道不明白什么是软硬兼施吗？有些时候，用硬的不行，就得用软的呀！

I tell you something so that you can see a change in me. But you just said something that totally hurts me. I have feelings too! I know that it's been hard for you to be a mother, but can you just stop doing that to me? It really makes me cry a lot. Can't you just see that I don't like it that way? I had never talked back in my whole life, but if you want my "first", then continue doing that. I'm sure one day, I will grant your wish of me talking back for the first time. I'm feeling bad because I want to do something but I just can't bring myself to do it!! Why did you teach me to be like that? Why didn't you teach me to express myself better? To tell others how I feel? It's killing me!!

I also hate the way you embarrass me. Telling things which I want to be kept private to relatives and friends. Are you threatening me so that I will stop doing all those bad things and start doing everything you want me to do?

一个小学生都有自尊心了，更何况是我这个十七岁的女生？你能告诉舅舅他的儿子是有自尊心的，为何你就不能了解到我也有自尊心？说到来，你也只是会说不会做，嘴上说得头头是道，但所作所为却跟你说的有差异。

I had told so many of you that "hate" is a strong word, but here I am saying things I HATE about her. Yeah.. I'm using "hate" because I think that dislike is not a strong enough a feeling to express how I feel towards some of the things she does to me. Perhaps I will regret in the future or be ashamed of myself for using the word "hate", but for now, I'm just trying to relief my anger, my fury... so that I won't do things that I'll regret forever.