My silent cry for help

"Help!" I cried, "Help me!"

I realised that I've been silently crying for help all this while,
Even though I know that no one could hear me.

Placing my cheeks against the pillow wet with tears,
and no, I did not sleep just like that.
I lay on my bed, staring at the ceiling,
turning occasionally with my eyes tightly closed.
All the nights, I've been forcing myself to sleep before dawn.
All the nights, I just couldn't get myself to do that.

Don't be silly, this is not about him. For this once, I'm sure it's not about him.
Or at least, it's not just about him and he doesn't play a big role either...
It's just me.

Going through the same routine
day after day, night after night......
Gradually, I realised that I'm ill.

I'm so afraid... so afraid, but no one knows!
No one will realise the fear growing inside me until I tell them.

I'm not dumb enough to seek death, it's too dumb,
yet I'm dumb enough to lock myself in the toilet, crying...

I've not managed to find the reason for my being ill,
but I guess the best thing to do now is to stop thinking about it,
which is very hard.