Monday, 5 June 2006

why bother?

someone complained that i didn't update my blog.. so here goes. Well, of course i don't just blog because someone asked me too. I sorta do wanna blog, somehow.
Went to great world at a much later time than usual today. I woke up intending to reach there before 12 because that's sorta like the peak period, and it always seem to rain around that time. -_-" I didn't go in the end because my parents came home at 12++ and i know that they expect me to finish my food before leaving. So, i decided not to go. Well, it was partly due to my mum too. She was being a little harsh and raised her voice for nothing serious enough to make any mother raise her voice. Perhaps i'm stressed, perhaps i'm moody enough, perhaps i was thinking of all my troubles at that time... once she raised her voice, i could feel my tears coming out, like now. Not like i didn't try to fight them back. I did! I looked away, trying to act as if i'm curious about this plastic that flew down to the ground, or the clock on the wall. For a moment, i thought that i did well fighting them back, but she raised her voice once more and i concluded that I wasn't that well after all.
Went to the toilet in my room while my brother's ending his game, preparing to leave for brunch. Locked myself inside, squat down and cried quietly. Not as quiet as i would wish, but as quiet as i could. I seriously had no idea why I cried. Not like it's the first time she raised her voice for nothing, not like it's the first time that i find it unfair. I really wondered why I cried. Why was i crying? Stress? Him? Me? Or everything? Or nothing at all? Why?
Went to great world in the end because junie asked me out to eat potato at great world, and study at macs.
Realised that he really doesn't care. He doesn't care at all! I know that i shouldn't see too much into things, but I really can't help but feel that he seriously doesn't care! He doesn't care about me, he doesn't care about what i've got to say, he doesn't care about how i'm feeling, he doesn't care about what i'm doing... he just doesn't care! And why should he? When i mean nothing to him. Nothing at all... When i least expect him to appear, he just pops out of nowhere... and the sadness just gets deeper and deeper.
It used to be that i see hope everywhere, and i mean everywhere. And now? now?? All the hopes are gone. They're nowhere to be seen. And me? I don't know what's become of me. I can be perfectly fine one day, feeling that well it's nothing much actually... but i can be really down at times, thinking so so much... hurting myself even more. I was alright yesterday, I was. Serious. But just not today. Today's a touchy day... today's a day when i'm fragile, when i get hurt easily... when it's so easy to make me cry.
Well i just have to accept the fact that i mean nothing to him. It's a painful fact that i have to accept. Perhaps i meant something to him at first, but not now... not ever... What's the sad thing about this whole thing? Though he doesn't feel anything towards me, but i do. That's the sad thing.
Why did things end up like that?
Why am i so weak all of a sudden?
I wonder why I bother so much when it all meant nothing to him at all. Why do i bother when I mean nothing to him. why? WHY? All because i like him... all because i like him? I feel so forlorn all of a sudden. I feel so useless... so dumb. I'm no longer who i used to be, who i am supposed to be. All because i like him?
Once again, I feel that he's ignoring and avoiding me. Just that this time round, I'm even more sure than before. It's nice knowing that there are people around me who are concerned. But it's not that nice knowing that he's not one of them. It's not nice at all.

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