No medicine to cure me >.<

无可救药，我仍然会等待一点点的光芒出现。就算明知火苗已不会在燃起，但我仍会不知不觉地，像个笨蛋似的，等待那一点点的光芒。

也许有人会说，我这样子只是在保持乐观的态度，不是什么坏事。但是，事情是这样子的。。。 我几乎能够很确定的说，我对他而言，只是个朋友。因此，再怎么坚持，再怎么等待，也是没用的。最后只会让我成为世界上的其中一个为爱而成为笨蛋的人。

被雨淋了大概十分钟吧！

从开始在雨中赶路的那一刻，

心里便奢望他的到来，他的帮忙。

奢望。。。

都说了，是奢望啊。

当然，最后，

就如命运中的安排一样，

他并没有出现在我眼前。

命运，是想劝我放弃吧。

因为他不会是那个

陪在我身边，不让我受伤，不让我难过，

永远都会逗我开心的人。

他不会是的。

不会的。

奇怪了，今天怎么突然又多愁善感了？

或许是因为今天是雨天吧。

或许是因为我一大早

便孤零零的淋着大雨走到学校吧。

或许是因为我一整天都想着他吧。

又或许，

是我无药可救了吧。

*grin* hee hee... ^^

Today's generally a happy day ^^

It started off with the beginning of tricking simin into believing that i forgot all about her birthday and only made a birthday card for mel. It worked off quite well in the end with mel's assistance. xD But well, i guess this kinda little jokes are sweet =) And i did spend a whole lot of time cutting colour papers into teeny weeny bits of colour papers, and spend even more time sticking them on the card. So well, can't say i did a perfect job, and i can't say that it's creative. But well, at least it shows how much i care about them. =) So much that i only bothered to make cards for them. Haha...

Eh... Mr. Chu's lecture today was kinda funny. He was saying that he doesn't bother about scolding us anymore, neither does he care about making sarcastic comments. But well, he had been sarcastic through e whole lecture. xD Oh, but several of us found some of his sarcastic jokes kinda funny. Well, it's like this. Some students gave lame excuses that they devoted their june hols to preparation for competitions and stuff like that. So he said sth like "If you wanna give also don't give such lame excuses lar. You should give a better reason like 'Oh, I've sprained my brain during e hols, that's why i couldn't think properly during e papers.' "

Oh i love that "sprained your brain" xD. It's funny! Though not everyone thinks the same way. Well at least some of us found it funny. Hmm... Perhaps i like it because it rhymes!! xD hahaha... Perhaps you might like to use that excuse the next time you did badly for exams =X

Oh that stupid jason~! Hmph!!! We measured height and weight today for PE, and.. and.. and.. i didn't grow at all, still stuck at 169 =(. And that stupid jason asked me, "you're still 169 arh?" *pouts* and after he measured, he came and told me that he's 171!!! WHAAA!! not fair. I wanna grow taller too. 3 cm.. juz bless me with 3 cm. The rest of e PE was torturing arh. NAPFA's long over and we actually had to run 4 rounds (guys muz run 6 rounds). Then we did 30 push-ups and 15 sit-ups. Eeks... To think that i had been looking forward to PE all this while. But next week onwards it's games!! ^^ hooray!! Sadly, we only have 3 more weeks of PE. Damn sad arh... I want PE!! Oh.. i gained weight, or rather stayed around my weight. I'm now 59.1 kg. Sigh.... SIGH..... I better not cross over to the 60 calibre because i know that i won't be able to get back to e 50 calibre. (i have to confess that i've been eating a lot recently :P)

Perhaps it's because i find it kinda clear that i can't expect much from him, such that ELT he does makes me kinda happy already. And yes, he is part of e reason why i'm happy today. It might not be the major part, coz i think the major part lies with myself, but it just adds on to the grin, making it wider. =)

super friday!!

Super Duper!!

Whoo~ I'm gonna love love LOVE friday!!

Am so glad to see Smallville and Charmed back, and at the same time! On the same day!! That adds on to the Whooo-ness. :D Friday's gonna be tv day from now on :) Super friday's cool! yeah!

Oops.. i'm getting a little high ain't i. Haha.. can't help it. I just love them :) But that will also mean that if i had something on and can't go for dance lessons on saturday, i gotta miss theses nice shows and attend lessons on friday night :( Unless, I'm gonna be a lazy bum and juz skip dance :) Hahaha..

And next friday, there's one more show adding on to the friday night Whoooo~'s, Ghost Whisperer!! It seems nice :) Yay!

Wonder how am i gonna concentrate on my studies. Wonder how i'm gonna get my ABC for 'A's, :X

award-winning film spree

While everyone's busy mugging up for prelim 1, or block tests, guess what i was doing. Yeah.. i tried to do the same, but i just can't do it. So, in the end, besides the usual playing, I went to borrow vcds from the library. I went on an "award-winning films" spree!! :D But I've only reached the second one. Gonna talk abt the movies today.

The first one i watched was a russian film called "The return". 2 brothers were living with their mother and grandmother. One day, their father returned, suddenly. According to him, he came back because his wife told him that he should. He brought his sons on a trip. They were supposed to head for this waterfall, but they end up everywhere else. :P For what reasons, i have no idea! The elder son accepted the man as his father immediately, but not the younger one. The young one felt that their father didn't love them at all, and that he might even be killing them. Well, as an audience, while watching, I thought that he didn't love them too.

Their final destination ended up to be an island (where there's no waterfall to be seen at all. o.O) and the 2 boys had asked to go fishing on the boat, so the father handed the elder son his watch and told him to return at 3. In the end, the young one requested to stay out longer, and the elder brother agreed, though he was reluctant at the beginning. In the end, they returned at 7. Imagine how the father was like. >.<>

The young one couldn't stand it anymore and after doing some shouting at his father, he ran off. Guess the father was worried, so he followed the young one, running after him. The young one climbed up the tower and shut the top entrance so that his father won't be able to get to him. He then threatened that if his father was not going away, he will jump down. He's actually afraid of heights, so can you imagine how distressed he was? Anyway, he really climbed to the top and was seriously thinking of jumping. Suddenly, a pair of hands appeared on one of the wood surrounding the top of the tower, it was his father. Out of desperation, he had climbed from the outside. Out of love, he wanted to save his son. The wood was loose, and so he fell all the way down. He died.

Not gonna continue the story, just that when he died, i was stunned. Eh.. probably i didn't expect that to happen. It's so sudden! and i was totally like "huh?". Oh anyway, i don't really understand what the director's getting at. He mentioned somethings in the movie, but didn't continue to reveal them. Like the waterfall.

Next movie that i watched today, is "Whale Rider".

'One girl dared to confront the past, change the present and determine the future.'

"In a small New Zealand coastal village, Maori claim descent from Paikea, the Whale Rider. In every generation, a male heir has succeeded to the chiefly title. The time is now. When the twins are born, and the baby boy dies. Grief-stricken, the father leaves the surviving baby girl to be raised by her grandparents. The chief, Koro, also the girl's grandfather, is convinced that the tribe's misfortunes began at Pai's birth and refused to acknowledge Pai as the inheritor of the tradition and claims she is of no use to him. Pai loves Koro more than anyone in the world, but she must fight him and a thousand years of tradition to fulfill her destiny."

Well, firstly, i have to say that this movie made me shed a whole bucketful of tears. I'm amazed by how the girl doesn't even need to say her feelings out and i'll feel sad for her. I cried more than she did in the show. Haha.. This one is really worth watching! DO WATCH IT!! :)

Of course, it has a happy ending! I thought that she was going to die, but she didn't!! :D she survived but ended up in the hospital. That scene, made me feel relieved. Because Koro was sitting by Pai, who was unconscious. Around her neck, was the whale's tooth, only to be worn by the chief. Koro has finally acknowledged her. Why? What happened? Hahah... go watch it then :) Juz kidding. One night, the whales were found on the shore. If they don't leave, they will die. Koro and co. chanted and tried to push the leader of the whales into the waters so that the rest will follow. But while they were trying to do that, the whale slammed its tail hard on the ground, refusing to be moved. The rope broke. Everyone left, thinking that they should take a little rest and come back later to try again.

Koro had disallowed Pai to touch the whale when she approached it. She left the group and stood somewhere further, looking at the scene. Now that everyone has left, she went back to that whale, and touched it, greeted it. She then climbed on top of it, and tried to talk the whale into going back to the waters. She kicked it lightly while doing so, patting and stroking it's skin. The whale actually did attempt to propel itself back to the sea. By the time the group was back, the whale was gone. They thought that it had died, and they cried. In the end, they saw her sitting on the surface of the sea. She was riding the whale. She was the whale rider. Koro looked at her with a worried look, so did everyone else. She spoke softly, telling Koro that it's ok, but Koro couldn't hear her of course. She followed the whale until the whale dived deeper and deeper, and she could no longer hold her breath. While diving with the whale, there was this dialogue, "I wasn't afraid to die... "Finally she let go of the whale.

Bah.. whatever. It's really nice. It's a must-watch! It won a lot of awards too :)

mathematicising

Today, is the day before math paper 1.

Hmm.. and what have i been doing? eeps! >.<>

Only managed to borrow the missing notes that i need today. Rushed through, copying madly like a mad fred (oops.. ). Copied a lot of vectors.. actually... copied almost everything of vectors since that's e one that i need. as for differentiation.. hmm.. nothing much. Sigh.. this lazy friend didn't even bother to copy the things he missed from his friends, so i couldn't revise further curve sketching :( but i can't blame him coz i'm e one who lost the notes.. *cry* It's my own stupid fault, losing that book of notes. Notes!! come back to mama!!

Wonder what's wrong with me. A headache actually gone on from last night till noon today!! But i feel better now after sleeping for another 2 hours. Actually i could've spent more time reading through e impt parts of the notes that i didn't copy, but i kinda dread staying there, feel like going home... So in the end, i gave up reading through graphs and returned the notes. I need more time to go through all those stuff. :( Guess i really need to borrow and photocopy. Haiz.. Haiz..

Life's boring now. EXTREMELY boring... it's always attempting to study. Then getting so sad that i'm actually attempting to study. This doesn't really apply to math though.. For math, i'm sad that I actually can't go through one whole paper without looking at my notes or the solution booklet. *pouts* I'M A LOSER!!

But never mind, i shall jia you! jia you! jia yoU!

I realised that I don't think of him that much now. I still do, sometimes, but not that often anymore. I hope that this will go on. Forget him for good! :) wish me luck! This is gonna be a hard process...

Back to crez dance June 06 PHOTOS!!

Managed to grab some photos from Junie =) But seems like most of them are blur.. Well.. Haha..

Haha... from the left, it's Peiyi. Some background knowledge... commonly known as lizard, is also the president of the Sweaty Palms Society (SPA)

Next is ME! commonly known as Xiao Hei, name given by Mr. Loh (Modern Dance instructor in crez. WE LOVE HIM!!! :D). It started as charcoal, to xiao hei. He even made attempts to change my name as i got older, to Da Hei, Yin Du Ren and all... but he's just too used to xiao hei xD. I'm also the ruler of Hei Ren Guo!!

Last person is Junie. Her name (by lao shi changed from 13 dots to lao sai de xD). She's a blur creature. The cannot turn to much coz will faint one. Haha...

Look at all the dead bodies!! xD With one arm up. hahaha.. we've all done that back in crez dance. We know what's gonna come once laoshi says the word "imagine" when we're lying down. Shan't tell you! xD

Hmmm.. my comments abt e juniors arh, erm.. they're not moving enough, they are all so dead. Their actions need to be really REALLY BIG BIG BIG!!!

Not that we're being mean or anything like tt, letting poor peiyi not show her beautiful smile. xD Haha.. Junie just suddenly want to take picture with me, then peiyi juz suddenly came over too. So.. <-- That's the end result

And look at the contrast in skin colours. now you know why i'm called xiao hei!

The background's our school stage. I love to lie on the stage floor and sleep. xD

These 2 pictures, they really bring back a lot of memories. Looking at all the mats, I can remember all the flippings, turnings, Jumpings, and many other wonderful and exciting experiences, not forgetting also the many bruises

Remember how lao shi so suddenly grabbed (and i mean grab) me and my friend away from our other friends, to teach us frontwalk. Felt so "OH NO!!" back then.. but now, i feel honoured.

Remember how the senior who was supposed to supervise our frontwalk (while lao shi's doing other stuff) do all the funny funny things but still remain as a scary image in my memory. hahaha..

Remember how when i just got into crez dance as a sec 1 kid, more flexible than most of them coz of my outside training, being said to be like Diana(but she's even more flexible. eeks~).

Hmm.. all these memories really make me miss crez dance a lot. Haha..

PANIC

历史不断的重复，

我似乎永远都学不乖。

临时抱佛脚，家常便饭。

虽然明知于事无补，帮助不大，

但我仍然让历史重复。

懒惰的个性，

伴随我度过了漫长的岁月。

它已是我生活里不可缺少的一部分。

说来真可笑，

但我似乎已爱上了懒洋洋的感觉。

该不掉的坏习惯，

总是让周围的人为我担心。

大家总叫我用功一点，

总说我若像大家一样用功

便能考得很不错。

唉~ 说得容易，做的难呀！

眼看过几天就得上战场去了。

还未经过锻炼的我，

应该会被考卷给杀掉吧！

每当快考试时，

我总是很想学些课外的东西。

前些日子，

我就突然想多了解“傲慢与偏见”。

那是文学吧！

跟我毫无关系呀！

也是我中学是讨厌的科目之一。

又有点想学日语，韩语。

又想学下围棋。

哈哈。。。 其实，

学习是很快乐的事情。

但是，因为我们在学校里都是被逼着学习，

所以才会如此厌恶吧。

其实，

我们何时不是在学习呢？

不知不觉中，

我们总学了很多东西。

不知不觉中，

我们也丢掉了很多已学过的东西。

It's time to plan how i'm going to make use of my extremely limited time to study!!

23 June (Friday) Chinese A full paper >.<

I only have wednesday and thursday to study for chinese.. Gotta really study!

26 June (Monday) Mathematics paper 1

Sigh... lost my notes. Gonna focus on paper 1 only. That means, i'm not gonna revise probability and stats as yet. Hmm... should be doing math while studying chinese.. but gotta share with econs after chinese. AHHHH!!

27 June (Tuesday) Economics paper 3

What a bad paper... ESSAYS!! That means i have no choice but to try my best to read through all my notes. To read through and not study, because i'm a dumbo to not study earlier.

28 June (Wednesday) Mathematics paper 2

Target on paper 2 lorz...

29 June (Thursday) Economics paper 1 and 2

Look at TYS MCQ. If I manage to dig out my tutorials, read my DRQs and learn from mistakes.

Sigh.. what a boring life.

lost my phone

I lost my phone...

and there's nothing much i can say.

I just lost it.

That's it.

It's lost now, and cannot be found.

I'm sad... so sad...

I called my number,

no one picked up..

i called again and again...

soon, it no longer rings.

That person must've removed my sim card.

Sigh... not that my phone's very expensive and exquisite whatsoever... it's the contacts inside, and the photos taken!! :( And my papa's reactions only made me feel a million times worse... he didn't scold like mad, but the way he said it, as if i lose phones all the time. Sigh.... wonder how my mum's gonna react to this incident.

The man from bishan interchange said that he'll call me if he found it, but it's been half an hour already, guess there isn't hope.

The funny thing's that piggy was asking me yesterday or the day before yesterday, when does my plan end, and what phone model am i getting... look at what happen now!! AHHH~ I'm not happy... so unhappy!!

Besides losing a phone, my math notes cannot be found too. That's 2 terms worth of notes..

Just asked my dad something, and the way he replied... the way he replied... :'(

What with all the stress, all the sadness, all the horrible feelings felt when i lost my phone, i have to endure the cold treatment from my dad.. and i think my mum too, when she comes back. I know it's my fault, but i do feel bad too. It's not like i don't care whether i lose my phone or not... I'm sad alright.. i'm very sad.. :(

a similar yet different experience

Finally gone back to visit crez dance yesterday. Finally got to see lao shi again. =) Going back as a senior is a different experience... there's less pressure, more freedom, but also there's something missing... the kind of excitement and sth like the sense of belonging. It's probably because we no longer participate in those dances... no longer know who's who since we've never even seen them before.. Many things have changed, yet many things have remained the same. Going back as a senior though is a different experience, still doesn't feel all that different. It brings back many memories, and i mean many. I really, really miss those times there. Those were my happiest time of my life. Though it can be quite demanding and tiring, it's what I like to do. It brings back many tears and smiles at the same time, not forgetting laughters.

Was feeling quite fine in the morning. Sneezed and sniffed as usual when i woke up, just that it went on for the whole day, gone on till now still. Haha.. yeah i'm ill. Guess i played too much yesterday, after some time, i feel my head throbbing. That was when i stopped and rested. Joined them for the nightline at night, but left before it ended because i needed to catch a bus home. Quite funny, graduated from crescent 2 years ago and it's my first time climbing over the school gate.

Erm.. lao shi was of course teaching them some dance steps and all.. while he was teaching this particular part, sally, peiyi and i suddenly decided to learn too. xD So we joined them behind. Glad that I still can follow their pace. Even more glad to know that I'm still kinda better than them. xD Laoshi actually said that the 3 of us danced better than all the rest of them. But laoshi always like to do that to those learning e dance, so well, can't really be trusted. Haha... Juniors asked to watch the 3 of us dance but laoshi said not enough time. Think laoshi dun want us to throw face bah. :P

Sad that he's like ignoring me, esp when i'm not feeling well. Sigh.. guess it can't be helped.

失眠？

Blah... Finally going back to crez dance tmr =) YAY!! But actually, there's supposed to be econs consultation tmr arh.. Hmm.. but mel tried to postpone it le, so i think it's fine larz. :P anw, my library book's super duper overdued le lorz.. sigh.. gotta pay a lot bah..

Didn't sleep last night. Didn't sleep at all. What had i been doing? Wrote a letter to my friend, designed the envelope, read comics, and for the rest of the time, i had been stoning. It's just... like... in the midst of whatever i'm doing, i'll just suddenly go blank. Then after some time of stoning, i'll continue doing what i was doing. Haha...

Had been wondering why i didn't sleep. Is it because.. I just can't sleep? Or is it because I don't want to sleep? Hmm.. no idea. I guess it's more of I don't wanna sleep bah. Anw, i slept at 5 e previous night, and woke up at abt 3 pm. So... well... Haha... I'm quite sleepy now actually.

Went to great world extremely early since i didn't sleep. Had an exciting experience chasing and hiding from e cockroach in e toilet. :P Left house at 8.30 am bah... so rare. Can go buy toto le. Realised that great world's quite nice in the morning... very quiet. I like.. :D Haha... i don't like the crowd in great world... Well actually, i don't like crowd anywhere larz.

Today's not exactly a good day. Things didn't go my way. Many things didn't go my way. Nearly cried again, just now when my mom was scolding me for something. Didn't though. I felt really down, but i guess there isn't enough water in me to cry bah.

I miss Laoshi.. i miss all the dance experiences in crescent, in buona vista cc, and in PA. i miss dancing with my friends. miss the mad trainings for SYF... miss my happy self. miss being loved... miss him... Bah.. forget it.

Well, i'm glad e juniors are still gonna play nightline :) That's a tradition in crez dance. It's a muz play!!

:(

Hate this time of the month.. though it's not necessarily a month. Bahhh.. hate it! hate it! hate it! But i'm glad it came now and not later =)

Thinking that i'll be writing more? Nope.. xD I have nothing much to type today.. juz came here to say that i hate this time of the month because i really hate it!!

Hmm... anything else arh?

Hmm...

He still doesn't come and find me. That's a lil sad. =/

The Omen

Watched The Omen with piggy today... It's not bad. Go watch it. =)

I'm glad it's not 6 june today... coz i actually was left with $6.60 after buying the tickets.. and before my kor kor returned me 20 bucks. >.<" So creepy.. haha.. talk about creepy.. some of the scenes are quite O.O coz they are so SO sudden.. well, they are meant to scare us mah. xD

Walked home alone.. along the river as usual. Dark of course, realised that it's kinda scary to see e foreign labourers while i'm walking alone there.. but well.. i'm black black, they're black black.. hopefully we won't see each other. xD haha.. oops.

Not a very efficient day today. Today's not a studying day. But i'll stay up late tonight to study. I hope I will study. >.<

Just remembered that i haven't been practising on e fan. eeks.. eeps.. gotta practise soon, real soon. But i doubt i will. xD

a lil down

Don't know why.. i'm a little down recently.. Fine. Maybe it's more than just a little.

Decided to watch da chang jing some days ago... to finish it. Watched.. and cried... Well.. there are many sad parts, and parts that'll make you feel so touched, parts that are so lovey dovey in the sweet sweet way... they all made me cry. Finished the book i borrowed from the sch library, "man and boy" by tony parsons --hope i didn't remember wrongly -- and there are many parts that made me cried too. Like when the grandad died... when harry had to part with his beautiful boy, when cyd left harry... ... ... they all made me tear.

And the thing about my mum raising her voice... Haha... just now, i got so irritated just because my bro spoilt my plan by using my study area... Then while watching tv, i'm suddenly reminded of him. Hate it when things don't go the way i want them to. Hate it!

Don't know why. I suddenly told myself that I should stop talking about him in my blog. Then, i'm reminded of the time i promised not to talk about him anymore... ha.. look at what i've been doing all this while? broke my promise totally. So i kinda promised myself again to stop blogging about him, but i'm not sure if it'll be an empty promise again. I really don't know.

Well... it took me about one hour last night to sleep. I slept after 3, btw. I dreamt a sweet dream, really nice. It was about a guy, that i hoped was him... that guy was nobody i know.. just a guy. He was very nice to me. What did he do? How did he look like? I don't remember at all. I only rememberd that it's a good dream with someone nice to me. I only rememberd that when i woke up from tt dream, i was hoping that he can be that guy who treats me so well in my dreams. So, though it's a good dream, it still made me kinda sad when i woke up.

Everything's all over. It's time I learn to let go. Quoting 'man and boy', "Love means knowing when to let go". And something i read in e chain email from a friend of mine, "it takes a minute to have a crush, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone. But it takes a lifetime to forget."

This is just one painful part of my life. I know that in the near future, i'll be having a good laugh at how i used to suffer liking someone who can never be mine and who will never be there for me. Though i know that, right now, it's too painful.

why bother?

someone complained that i didn't update my blog.. so here goes. Well, of course i don't just blog because someone asked me too. I sorta do wanna blog, somehow.

Went to great world at a much later time than usual today. I woke up intending to reach there before 12 because that's sorta like the peak period, and it always seem to rain around that time. -_-" I didn't go in the end because my parents came home at 12++ and i know that they expect me to finish my food before leaving. So, i decided not to go. Well, it was partly due to my mum too. She was being a little harsh and raised her voice for nothing serious enough to make any mother raise her voice. Perhaps i'm stressed, perhaps i'm moody enough, perhaps i was thinking of all my troubles at that time... once she raised her voice, i could feel my tears coming out, like now. Not like i didn't try to fight them back. I did! I looked away, trying to act as if i'm curious about this plastic that flew down to the ground, or the clock on the wall. For a moment, i thought that i did well fighting them back, but she raised her voice once more and i concluded that I wasn't that well after all.

Went to the toilet in my room while my brother's ending his game, preparing to leave for brunch. Locked myself inside, squat down and cried quietly. Not as quiet as i would wish, but as quiet as i could. I seriously had no idea why I cried. Not like it's the first time she raised her voice for nothing, not like it's the first time that i find it unfair. I really wondered why I cried. Why was i crying? Stress? Him? Me? Or everything? Or nothing at all? Why?

Went to great world in the end because junie asked me out to eat potato at great world, and study at macs.

Realised that he really doesn't care. He doesn't care at all! I know that i shouldn't see too much into things, but I really can't help but feel that he seriously doesn't care! He doesn't care about me, he doesn't care about what i've got to say, he doesn't care about how i'm feeling, he doesn't care about what i'm doing... he just doesn't care! And why should he? When i mean nothing to him. Nothing at all... When i least expect him to appear, he just pops out of nowhere... and the sadness just gets deeper and deeper.

It used to be that i see hope everywhere, and i mean everywhere. And now? now?? All the hopes are gone. They're nowhere to be seen. And me? I don't know what's become of me. I can be perfectly fine one day, feeling that well it's nothing much actually... but i can be really down at times, thinking so so much... hurting myself even more. I was alright yesterday, I was. Serious. But just not today. Today's a touchy day... today's a day when i'm fragile, when i get hurt easily... when it's so easy to make me cry.

Well i just have to accept the fact that i mean nothing to him. It's a painful fact that i have to accept. Perhaps i meant something to him at first, but not now... not ever... What's the sad thing about this whole thing? Though he doesn't feel anything towards me, but i do. That's the sad thing.

Why did things end up like that?

Why am i so weak all of a sudden?

I wonder why I bother so much when it all meant nothing to him at all. Why do i bother when I mean nothing to him. why? WHY? All because i like him... all because i like him? I feel so forlorn all of a sudden. I feel so useless... so dumb. I'm no longer who i used to be, who i am supposed to be. All because i like him?

Once again, I feel that he's ignoring and avoiding me. Just that this time round, I'm even more sure than before. It's nice knowing that there are people around me who are concerned. But it's not that nice knowing that he's not one of them. It's not nice at all.

jerk!

HEY LISTEN HERE JERK!!

stop bullying my dajie or you will never get a good life!! I'll go fight you! and i'll ask my friends to beat you up!!

Nah.. i'm not that violent, that's just to show how unhappy i am with that JERK!! who bullied my dajie. Haha.. anw, he doesn't read my blog, so i'm safe.. phew... hahahahaha.. but once again, he can't do anything even if he reads my blog. If he does sth, it'll juz prove that he IS that jerk who bullied my dajie. So well.. too bad.. aww so sad..

anw, dajie, you muz be strong and... strong. xD There's really nothing much that we can do for you, you just have to be strong and overcome this yourself. =) But i promise that i'll be there for you, always, if i have the time. Haha.. You can call me if you have any problems, I'll listen to you no matter what. I'll listen to you even when i'm very sad too. You can pull me away if i'm having lessons, i will be most delighted to pon class. =D Oops... hahaha.. well, i guess you're bound to be bullied since you're so nice.. I'm the opposite. =P

Do learn to forget... this is sth that i have to learn too. To forget. It sounds really easy especially when it comes to homework and exams... but it's really difficult when it comes to relationships. When talking about relationships, i mean friends, lovers, family, sisterly affections like dajie and me (*puke*)... ... yep.. all those relationships. It's so hard to break ties, so hard to just.. forget.

I'm still slacking every day. This is bad. Just received an email that computron's extended its deadline. but well.. i didn't even do anything! Sigh.. and the new deadlines is 2 days later. pfft.. never mind. I shall wish my fellow schoolmates good luck! xD

Am crazy about mayday now... always listening to their songs. Realised that there are some other songs with lyrics sooooooooo real!! Hahaha... learnt a new word yesterday from fred the walking dictionary + online dictionary + handphone dictionary. Hahahah... euphemisim!! I hope i didn't spell it wrongly.

Got my birthday present from piggy yesterday... it's a cat about books!! I mean, a book about cats!! Hey i didn't fake that typo up there ok.. i just didn't bother to "backspace" it, hoping that you all will laugh at it. See i'm so nice, make you all laugh, or at least smile. =D anw, that book's funny.. though there are quite a significant number of vulgarities inside, with its book title "PUSSY", they are all for fun, so i'm alright. =) I didn't bash the book.. neither did i burn it. xD

No more creative juice for stickman... perhaps they only come out when i'm sad. Well.. too bad then. i'm not sad now!! Bwahahaha..

You were never there for me

You were never there for me when i needed you.

But, you don't even know that i need you in the first place. Haha... never mind.

Sometimes, I　really really wish that you were there for me! I really wish that you are the someone right beside me... but life's never this easy for me. Life's never this easy for anyone. And that's just life...

回家的路上。。。　已是九点了。天色已暗，而我跟以往一样，自己一个人走回家。走着走着，前面是一对情侣，于是我放慢了脚步，尽量离他们远一点，给予他们个人空间。我在想，是那个男的在送那女生回家吗？还是，那女生在送那男生回家呢？还是，他们只是刚好经过要到别的地方去呢？突然，我想：　要是有一天，你能陪我走那段路，送我回家，那该有多好。

感觉好孤单，好无助，好想有个肩膀给我靠，有个人看我哭，有个人听我说，有个人逗我笑。当然，那个人不可能是他。因为，我会需要一个人，全都是因为他。从我上一次为了他而哭，已过了好一段时间了。而这一次，我又突然好想哭。为什么要在这个时候出现？为什么要出现？为什么？为什么？我不断地问自己为什么。为什么会喜欢上他？为什么明知道会更痛苦但仍要陷得更深？为什么在知道不值得以后，仍在那里傻傻的等待？为什么因为他的一举一动而感到心烦？为什么对他来说什么都不是的东西对我却那么重要？为什么我好像一个笨蛋一样的喜欢她但却什么也得不到？为什么他总是那么容易让我开心，却又那么容易使我为他而哭泣？为什么在我知道事情不妙的时候，来不及把握自己从中拉出来？为什么他不再找我说话？为什么之前的那一切像是一场梦？为什么他好像在避开我？为什么他似乎不再对我感到好奇？为什么他之前看似对我有意思但如今却显得冷淡？为什么不能得到回应？为什么他不知道？为什么他不了解？为什么他不接受？为什么他不喜欢？为什么他的她不是我？为什么他好像完全不在乎一样？为什么我有种被欺骗的感觉？为什么命运要那么作弄我？为什么是他？又为什么是我？

心中许许多多的为什么，始终都找不到答案。他难道只把我当着朋友？由始之终，都只是朋友罢了？我像个笨蛋一样，自己一个人瞎兴奋。我第一次感到那么笨，那么傻。全都因为他。

为什么我始终忘不了这短短的　“单恋”　？　

绝望

Possibilities

Talked to mel today, and recalled that i actually had thought about a lot of possibilities of my current situation.

1. He treats me nothing more than a friend and i had thought too much in the past.

2. He was interested at first but soon lost interest (perhaps he now knows that i'm rotten to the core, not good at all)

3. He knows that I like him, that's why the avoidance, the hostility, and the coldness.

4. He likes me, but i'm not warm enough to push him on. So he thought that i'm not interested.

5. He liked me, but soon persuaded himself to stop before there's more to it because now is the crucial time.

Whichever it is, there's something that's definite, I'm thinking too much. That's not all the possibilities I had came out with, there are more, but I've forgotten. Another thing that i can be sure of... i really like him. It doesn't help me forget when i don't see him at all, though it does calm me down a little... there's still this sadness in me that can sometimes become overwhelming. It's good that this term break is here at this time, gives me time to be calm, because i won't really get to see him since i don't need to step out of my house.

Nothing seems to be the same. At the beginning, it seems as if it is fate, destiny, whatever... it's like we're meant to know each other, it's all predestined. But now, it's the total opposite. Everything seems to go the wrong way. It just makes the whole situation worse... makes me feel worse.

Sometimes, i want to see him. But when i did see him, i won't even take a second look, trying my best to walk further away from him as quickly as possible... as if i'm the one avoiding him. Well... actually, i am avoiding him somehow, because it hurts to see him. He's so near, yet so far. He can be right beside me, but he can never be mine.

I've stopped crying. But i'm still sighing, still thinking, still sad, still hoping, still lifeless... Why do i have to know him in the first place, when he'll bring me so much miseries? Perhaps i have to learn to forget. It's easy to put it into words, but it's way difficult to put it into action. Seems like no stickman drawing can fully illustrate my feelings, because it's so complicated.

Sometimes, I can hate him, but when i see him, i know that i can't possibly hate him. They are just separated by one fine line, and i'm always running about the boundaries, hating him yet liking him at the same time. Talk about conflicting minds and the twin of gemini. Sigh... If only things can be easier...

stickman 03

Guess i'm really in love with stickman drawings now... Realised that actually many of my drawings are repetitions. They're roughly of the same idea, but the pictures are a little bit different. Some give off a more intensed feeling.

Had been "promoting" my stickman drawings to my friends. So far i've received 3 comments? fred was e first, he said 'minimalistic'... which until now i still dun really understand what he's trying to say. haha.. nx was da jie, as you can see from e tagboard... I'm actually curious which one of them she's referring to.. really curious. But well, she went offline before i had the chance to ask. =/ eh... last was fel, who only said sth like "nice". xD well, pls do give me comments. Thx..

So here's e new drawings..

"I can't..."

I can't... no matter how you try to pull me out of this miserable situation, i just can't manage to get myself out. It can be that i'm counter-pulling, meaning willingly staying in this painful life.. it can also be that i simply can't get myself out. I just can't! It's useless pulling me, give it up! Stop pulling!! Leave me alone!!!!

"I can't move on"

I know i have to move on, but i just push myself forward anymore...

This is almost the same as the one above, just that for this one, it's about moving on, while the other is getting myself out.

No matter how hard you try to push me forward, it doesn't help when I can't move on. It's useless pushing me forward. I know it's for my own good, i know... I would also like to get myself to move on with my life, but right now, I can't bring myself to do it.

I don't cry as often now, but there's still the sadness inside... that takes a much longer time to go than the tears. It's not easy, just in case you don't know.

"He's online"

So what if he's online... I do nothing, he does nothing... Not like we chat... we don't! That's the problem!! Not even a "hi" or a "boo!"... nothing. We don't chat... i should just delete his name and save me from getting troubled upon seeing his nick appearing as online.

"Fly me to the moon"

Fly me to the moon... actually there's nothing much to this. Just feel like seeking some peaceful lifestyle, away from miseries. And the moon seems to be quite a place for some peace.

"in other words, please be true, in other words, i love you"

a sweet song can sound sad when the person singing it is sad. Mood affects everything heh...

more stickman drawings

Have more stickman drawings done today... I'm actually surprised that I still have more stickman drawings to contribute. Perhaps that's how things should be, do it bit by bit and not rush... perhaps that's what i should be doing, taking things step by step and not rushing. But that's when there are still things to anticipate... Now that i know there's nothing waiting for me at the finishing line, what's the point? I should give up the race... But i'm not doing what i SHOULD be doing. i can't stop walking though i've already stopped running. I promise myself, i will walk out of this one day. I can overcome this even on my own, just need a little more time.

"No need for words"

You don't need to say anything, there's no need for words. I just need you by my side, I just need your companion.

Many things are just like that isn't it? Sometimes, we need friends by our side but we don't want them to talk to us. Things like that happen when you're sad and need some peace and quiet, but at the same time, you need their companion. Other than that, this can also mean that it's okay if you don't talk to me, as long as you stay with me. That's all I'm asking for. That's all i had been asking for.

"Nothing much"

There's nothing much, really. You don't need to think so much about my actions because sometimes, they are seriously nothing much. No need to panic when I drift a little apart from the group... sometimes, i need time alone, though there are times when i feel alone because of you people. Hmm.. it's hard to explain. Haha.. forget it then.

"Set me free"

Sometimes, i really wish that i have a pair of wings that will set me free from this boring lifestyle, and leave this world of miseries. I often find life mundane and boring, and often wish to take a break. The wings that i wish for, are able to set me free. Whether from the stressful school life, pursuing 'A's, or the sadness i have to put up with all because of him, or sometimes even the family that can sometimes make me feel worse. Set me free... we all have this feeling sometimes, don't we? Guess all of you can understand what i'm trying to say here. =)

"Not asking for much"

I'm not asking for much you know, I just want that balloon you're holding on to. Is it that difficult for you to give it to me?

I'm not asking much here you know, I just need you to see what's good in me, and tell me that you like me. Is it that hard for you? Of course it is... there's nothing good about me, and that balloon's glued to your hand, isn't it?

Sometimes, we think that we're not asking much. But life's just like that, not everything we asked for can be given to us just like that. There's nothing we can do about it. We have to accept this fact because that's how life is. Nothing's perfect. Nothing's fair. We can only live with it.

stickman

wonder why.. currenly i'm really in love with stickman drawing (not enough to get me out though), not hand-drawn though..

Well anw, here are e new ones done today. Shall explain them too, if there's anything to explain about... =)

i'm going according to which one i drew first.. perhaps to let you see my flow of ideas. Something like that larz..

To explain this drawing. Well, It's an extension of the other one also with a flower. The difference is that the flower has more colours now, and that there are petals dropping off the stalk. The fallen petals represent the tears of the person holding the flower. I simply name it, "The crying flower". Am trying to bring out the feeling of disappointment, sadness, hopelessness (is there such word?). It's actually the same as the previous "dead flower" just that i think that this is more intensive, with the flower crying.

Well, to explain this drawing... Tell you the title first... "I am Happy" it's not a very good title, but if you have a better suggestion, please please do tell me. Thanks! =)

Basically. The stickman is just trying to convince himself that he is happy, when he actually is not. As you can see the contradiction; the smile and the / \ eyebrows.

Sometimes, we just do that. We just force ourselves to be happy even when we know that we're not. This had happened to me before of course, some time ago. It just makes you even more depressed.

"Lonely"

Sometimes, we just feel so lonely in this BIG BIG world. We can feel lonely even when we have friends and family surrounding us. We'll still feel lonely no matter what, because some things had happened and you have to deal it by yourself, or you're forced to do it.

I'm one of the few who often feel so alone even in a crowd. That's why, sometimes you see me walking around alone. I'm in my own world of solitude even when walking with you people. Don't worry, that's just me. I do get sad sometimes, but not all the time. But i often step into my world of solitude so easily.