Possibilities

Talked to mel today, and recalled that i actually had thought about a lot of possibilities of my current situation.

1. He treats me nothing more than a friend and i had thought too much in the past.

2. He was interested at first but soon lost interest (perhaps he now knows that i'm rotten to the core, not good at all)

3. He knows that I like him, that's why the avoidance, the hostility, and the coldness.

4. He likes me, but i'm not warm enough to push him on. So he thought that i'm not interested.

5. He liked me, but soon persuaded himself to stop before there's more to it because now is the crucial time.

Whichever it is, there's something that's definite, I'm thinking too much. That's not all the possibilities I had came out with, there are more, but I've forgotten. Another thing that i can be sure of... i really like him. It doesn't help me forget when i don't see him at all, though it does calm me down a little... there's still this sadness in me that can sometimes become overwhelming. It's good that this term break is here at this time, gives me time to be calm, because i won't really get to see him since i don't need to step out of my house.

Nothing seems to be the same. At the beginning, it seems as if it is fate, destiny, whatever... it's like we're meant to know each other, it's all predestined. But now, it's the total opposite. Everything seems to go the wrong way. It just makes the whole situation worse... makes me feel worse.

Sometimes, i want to see him. But when i did see him, i won't even take a second look, trying my best to walk further away from him as quickly as possible... as if i'm the one avoiding him. Well... actually, i am avoiding him somehow, because it hurts to see him. He's so near, yet so far. He can be right beside me, but he can never be mine.

I've stopped crying. But i'm still sighing, still thinking, still sad, still hoping, still lifeless... Why do i have to know him in the first place, when he'll bring me so much miseries? Perhaps i have to learn to forget. It's easy to put it into words, but it's way difficult to put it into action. Seems like no stickman drawing can fully illustrate my feelings, because it's so complicated.

Sometimes, I can hate him, but when i see him, i know that i can't possibly hate him. They are just separated by one fine line, and i'm always running about the boundaries, hating him yet liking him at the same time. Talk about conflicting minds and the twin of gemini. Sigh... If only things can be easier...