I'm tired

What? Did i promise myself to stop thinking and stop writing so much about it? Well, I guess it's just so hard to carry out what i've promised myself. It's just so hard. It's been a painful day, because while i'm trying not to think about him, i kept seeing him around, again and again. If i called what had happened before as fate, then i guess we're only fated to be friends and nothing more. It's just a coincidence that we pass each other so many times. It's just coincidence. Nothing but coincidence.

虽然我一直看到他，但我不敢正眼看他。就知道他在那里，就知道我们擦肩而过，赶快离开就对了。原来，喜欢上一个人是那么痛苦的。这是必经的路程吗？为什么会那么难过呢？本来，一整天那样下去很完美的，怎么知道，又再一次的见到他。见到他的那一刻，我整颗心都沉了下去。为什么连一天的平静也不给我呢？不知道为什么，今天我就是不想见到他，却一直见到他。见到他也就算了，他竟然还跟我说话。实在是。。。

原来，我画画的时候，也是会想事情的。但是，我可以边想事情，边画画，因为画画是个人的事情，没有什么标准答案，不需要多加思考，想画什么就画什么。今天，第一次在图书馆的时候，很想写些东西，但我不是一个人，所以不方便。第二次在图书馆，我开始画画了，想打发时间，不想让我有空闲的时候，不想想他。一切都没怎样，但我朋友突然问了我一句 “最近如何？”，边有启动了一切不该启动的。我又开始想事情了。

在等待课外活动开始的那段空档，我又开始画画了。画着，画着，心里仍然想着那一件事。就这样，越画越伤心，眼泪也差一点流出来。也许，画画也带给我某些回忆吧。

I'm tired. Tired of many many things. Well, i haven't been sleeping well lately, not totally because of him, don't worry. The condition is not that bad... yet. I'm tired of studying, tired of thinking about him all this while when i know that it's pointless. Tired of waiting for him to come online, when again i know that it's pointless. Tired of waiting for him to come and say hi. Tired of waiting for him to initiate a chat online. Tired of being so busy with so many things to do. Tired of promising myself to go for dance practice when I always end up not going because I just feel so tired!

Yesterday, i said that it's just a short period of overwhelming sadness. Now i'm starting to think that perhaps the calmness before was just a short period of calmness amidst a long term sadness. So... I guess I really have to learn to cope with this sadness, and learn to live with it. Though i try to close my eyes tight, I will still open them every now and then to take a look at the tiny flickering flame, that is getting smaller and smaller each day. Sometimes, i would rather console myself with "Perhaps he's just too busy. That's why he's not been taking any actions"

Read my friend's blog with regards to my blog. Haha... well, i have to say that through this incident, i've learnt that i have true friends around me, who are really concerned about me. As for what geok has to say in his blog, I actually don't really have anything to say. My friend asked me if i'm the kind of person who needs to be in a relationship. I thought for a moment and told her that I think I'm the independent kind, who can live without being in a relationship. Well, I still think i am the independent creature I thought i am, but i also know that it takes time to forget, and move on with life.

Perhaps he's just not careful with his words. Perhaps he's used the wrong words unconsciously. Perhaps he doesn't mean what i thought he meant. Perhaps nothing's what it seems to be. Perhaps I don't really like him in the first place. Haha.. the last one is so 自欺欺人.

Of course, i have other things to talk about, like my school work. =S I really need to catch up with my studies. Didn't study for econs test today, so i can't expect to pass. It's an essay test, not MCQ you see.. sigh... Why am i not hardworking, determined, or at the very least, be bornt with ultra high quality brain? Then i can live my life slacking yet scoring. Guess life just can't be so perfect.

I miss him, but at the same time, i don't want to see him. You understand how i feel? haha... I don't know what i'm thinking actually. I'm hungry. Talk about being random. But i am really hungry. Had wanted to eat chips, but thought that they should be back home soon. Well, guess i'm wrong. Sigh... FOOD!!!