Lifeless

This morning when i woke up, i wondered if i was fine. By the time i took the train, i thought that i was fine. By the time i reached school, I thought that i was fine. By the first break, i thought that i was fine. By the time i saw him, i concluded that I wasn't that fine afterall. I saw him for the first time today, and what did i do? I did the usual thing i do when i see him, i ignored him. So did he. Sometimes, it's so tiring. I don't know what's so tiring, but it's just so, so tiring.

Why did i have to meet him in the first place?

When i thought that i'm finally free from these problems, here comes a new one. Why did i go so deep into it? I should've climbed out of e prob before going too deep down. But, it's just so hard. I can't help it.

Am i only a friend to you? Do you just treat me as a friend? I want to know, but i'm afraid of the answer that you'll give me. I'm afraid that it'll be another disappointment, the last one that'll take my soul away from me and leave me as a lifeless puppet. I have a way of finding out, but i'm afraid.

Sometimes, people are just so ironic. Though i want to know the truth, I would rather stay this way. I thought i've finally gotten over it. But i realised yesterday that i had never gotten over it. Never did i. I merely hid it deep, deep inside my heart, trying to cover it up with other stuff. But it's too big, and it doesn't stay there, it moves around. Now is the time when it's no longer just deep inside my heart. Now is the time when it's everywhere. Now is the time I need to be kept occupied once again.

I never knew that i could be this vulnerable. I thought that i was strong and tough, at least when it comes to this kinda matter. Well, i guess i was wrong.

Thought that i could pull through till next wednesday at least. Guess i was wrong again. I hope for a self-initiated "Happy Birthday", but i know i shouldn't expect anything. I've learnt my lesson you know, the higher the expectations, the more disappointments i get. I hope that i've learnt my lesson. I hope that it'll all wane and that i'll be genuinely, truthfully happy one day.

Sometimes, i cry. Sometimes, i just stone. Most of the time, i'll just be quiet. Right now? i'm quiet. I had been stoning when i'm not typing. Now, i feel a little like crying. Everything seemed to have lost their meaning when i'm sad. Life seems to be meaningless too. What's the point? Why am i donig this? Why must i feel like that? Why am i here? Why me? Why you? Why now? Why the pain?

While i'm asking these questions, typing here, i'm listening to music too. Is this meant to be? This song that was playing randomly fits in so nicely. I'm listening to Frank sinatra's version by the way. And here's the lyrics,

Why do I do, just as you say.

Why must I just, give you your way

Why do I sigh, why don't I try to forget

It must have been,

that something lovers call fate

Kept me saying:

"I have to wait."

I saw them all,

just couldn't fall 'til we met

It had to be you,

it had to be you.

I wandered around,

and finally found

the somebody who

could make me be true,

And could make me be blue

and even be glad,

just to be sad

thinking of you

Some others I've seen,

might never be mean

Might never be cross,

or try to be boss

but they wouldn't do

For nobody else,

gave me a thrill

with all your faults,

I love you still

It had to be you,

wonderful you.

It had to be you

Doesn't that totally fit in? It must have been something that we ALL call fate, that this kind of thing happens so often.