Thursday 30 November 2006

waiting for nothing

I've been waiting.... for nothing.
I am still waiting, even though i know it's still nothing.
Once the nothing is something, I won't have to wait,
And once the nothing is no longer there, I will stop waiting.
I'm typing all these... for nothing.
In other words,
Because there is nothing, that's why I'm typing these.

Bwahahahaha!!! That's the madness of me for now. One day the line "I am waiting" came into my mind and it's supposed to be said in the irritated tone. yeah.. Last night 2 am, I was watching this jap movie abt ninjas, not bad, quite nice... and funny. haha..

你会陪我一起打雪仗吗?

Wednesday 29 November 2006

Friday 24 November 2006

randomness from insomnia

It sure seems like now that we've graduated from jc and temporarily (or permanently) will not be experiencing life as a student (or undergraduate for that matter), there isn't much to blog about. Life's been losing its colour though I'm sure that once I stop this slacker way of life, the colours would be back. Hmm... it's kinda contradicting isn't it, that i'm actually blogging now about how I don't blog as often. Haha... I just felt like slotting in an entry.

Well, it's not that I don't feel anything recently... it's just that all the uncertainties, worries, fears, and whatsoevers are already part of my daily life, such that they are not so special anymore. Anyway, nothing special has been happening, regardless of how much I wish for it. Growing 3 cm overnight could have made my day, or week, or month... but this'll never come (naturally). Oh well, I guess I should give up that 3 cm.

Life's been kinda bad recently though I've gained freedom for quite some time already. Hmm... Of course, the not-so-good side of love has constantly been absorbing my happiness, but now, I seem to be getting minor headaches every now and then. Perhaps this has something to do with my unhealthy way of life, which I suppose GK would know. Haha... I've been sleeping late, or if you would prefer, very early. Hmm.. well, between 4 to 5 am, to be more precise. If that isn't weird enough, read on... I stay awake not because I have things to do.. not because I'm addicted to games or just can't detach myself from "Prince of Tennis" anime on YouTube.com. I can just sit on the sofa in the living room, staring into space, listening to silence... Occasionally, I'll look out of through the balcony, staring at the usually black road which now has an orange tint to it due to the lamps.

Through these crazy nights, I came to realise that it's not that easy to exactly "listen to silence" in my living room. When you're deep in thoughts, well.. fairly easy to drift to a different dimension, but when you're seriously drifting randomly from one thought to another, you can't help but gradually notice the clock ticking extremely loudly, and sometimes, the sounds of a car passing. Ha! For that matter, I'm glad to say that the roads in my area are quite quiet unless some crazy racers zoom pass. Well, they used to do that quite often, but come to think of it.. I don't remember hearing them recently. Hmm.. nice. :D

Headaches are horrible... they really make me feel sick. I will suspect if I'm having a fever, and will sometimes be disappointed to find that I do not have a fever. Haha.. weirdo. Headaches also make me feel like puking... urgh.. i hate this nauseous feeling. Why can't we fall ill without feeling nauseous? haha.. I kinda feel like falling ill recently. Eh.. As in I want to fall ill. But well, it seems like I am gonna fall ill if I go on with my way of life. Hmm.. oh well.

URGHH..

Monday 20 November 2006

Seriously...

嗯。。。认真的男人,真是帅!

哈哈。。。 请别介意我这突如其来的感叹。 男生认真起来的时候,真的很帅哦!即使他们本来普普通通,但认真做事情时,就是不一样。我想,当我们认真做事情时,会散发出某种魅力吧。不论男女,在这种时候都会特别吸引人。最近看到一个男生拉小提琴。。。优美的旋律,加上那男生认真,陶醉的样子,真的很吸引人!但它歇下乐器时,嗯。。。 是另一回事。哈哈。。。

最近又再次发现我真的很欣赏有才华的男生。比起那些空有外表的,我比较喜欢有才气的人。但是,如果性格不好,那又是另外一回事了。啊。。。开始复杂化了。

A sudden urge to venture into the world of english literature... only a little. Haha... Some time ago, I felt like reading a bit more about pride and prejudice, and I did... Then after watching In Her Shoes just now, I feel like buying a book of poems to read. Hmm... See, without exams and all the stress, it's a better learning environment! I'll be curious with a lot of things, it's natural! But, I usually will just have the ideas but not the actions. Haha.. so I guess school is still crucial in my life. :P

Surprisingly, the memories that came back weren't really about my jc life. I actually thought more about my time in crez dance, and of course... hee hee. I feel that jc life has shown me more about the ugly side of society, life, people in general, love, and of course me. I guess the reason why people look back to their school life is that it's less ugly then, and more carefree. As we grow older, we have a greater need to learn to enjoy life, to enjoy life even when you see more of the ugly side. That's a really great challenge, and perhaps that's why we share bonds with so many people... to lighten our load, to share the burden, to overcome the obstacles, and last of all to celebrate the victories together!

Friday 17 November 2006

yet another round

Somehow, I feel that it's not that I don't know why I'm sad, it's just that I don't wanna face it. One other thing, I really hate being tied down. Just leave me alone and give me some personal space! What's the point of forcing me to go with you all if I'm not gonna enjoy myself there? I'll just be ruining the atmosphere for all of you anyway. I juz feel like being left alone for a while...

This is getting emotional... how emotional? I wanted to write and/or draw in the room just now, and I asked my brother to leave the lights on. He wants to sleep, so he asked after I came out from the toilet if he can turn off the lights already. I told him my purpose of turning on the lights, but decided to off it anyway. I've made a good decision, coz he started to grunt a little that i'm gonna leave the lights on. Ya, so what's so emotional about it. After that, I walked into the toilet again, locked myself in and started crying. Sigh... I've found out why I'm so emotional anyway, it's the usual cycle... yeah, that. Sigh... like things aren't bad enough, I have to get emotional and make everything look worse.

I'm very much addicted to the song "Angels and Devils". The whole song sounds so sad, exactly how i felt some time ago... listened to it everywhere I go, pushing myself deeper inside, burying myself in the mount of sadness.

My will is shaking... should i? should i? I know there's nothing to lose anymore, now that it's all coming to an end... But the only way to let myself go is for me to let go. I need to let go, before I can be free... I want to just throw it all out, regardless of the outcome. I'm pessimistic about the outcome anyway, so how much worse can it get?

Thursday 16 November 2006

The sudden change in life


Once, life had been so easy... with nothing to worry about, and only one path to take. With no worries, we all went on the same journey... carefree...


As life went on, we gradually realise that life isn't that easy afterall. It is time for us to choose a path among several, if not may. All is unknown, the view ahead is pitchblack, but we have to make a choice, and move on with life... dealing with the unknown, walking in complete darkness.

Wednesday 15 November 2006

over

Finally... oh finally.... *great big sigh* Finally, it's all over! 'A' Levels has officially ended for me!! Yay!! haha.... yay........ *sigh* It doesn't seem like a big change. It seems like my friends have bigger reactions to my situation than I have... They still have papers. But, I've been in this kinda mood since math had ended... Don't feel like studying anything at all.

Econs was a disaster, that's all I have to say. No hopes of passing anymore... I am officially dead. Do visit me at my grave, and remember to bring flowers... 15 November 2006 marks the downfall of xiaohei.

一切都结束了,但我心中却有种莫名的伤感。不知道为什么,虽然都考完了,却一点也兴奋不起来。回家的路上,竟有种带点悲伤的寂寞。就这样的,边沉浸在这伤感中,边思索着为何会如此。是因为他吗?是因为我以后都不能再见到他了吗?还是因为有种失去了方向的感觉呢?结果会如何?未来我会怎么样?以后的路该怎么走?啊~ 我想我知道为什么了。。。应该是因为,我不知道以后会怎么样吧。 无法预测未来会如何,因此感到害怕吗?

我想就是这样吧。 但我能肯定,部分的原因是他吧。最近,尝到了一点甜头,但这是先甜后苦吗?我深怕再次感到那样的脆弱,无助。。。我怕这一切都是虚幻的。 我又能怎样?这只是友谊吗?这只是友谊吧。 我们只不过成为了更好的朋友罢了。

I find that he has been quite a distraction. I should have pulled myself out before I totally fell inside the pit. It's not like I didn't realise that i'm falling.. I knew that I was gonna drop inside already, and I just allowed that to happen, knowing that i'll get nothing out of it! What am I? an idiot? Oh yes I am one!!

Sigh, now that i've reached the latest episode of "Prince of Tennis", I've no idea what other ways I have to entertain myself. Perhaps I should find another anime to watch... and start drawing again. Sigh.... I still have to build up my portfolio... Mr Lee wants us in school

Sunday 12 November 2006

In the midst of my downfall

Well, still in the midst of 'A' Levels and I have this sudden urge to blog. Ok, fine... not really "urge".. I guess i'm just bored. Haha... Not like I have nothing to do. The stack of econs stuff had been moved by me nightly from the desk to the bed, so tt i can put my food on the desk while watching "Prince of Tennis" on YouTube, and from the bed to the desk when I'm gonna sleep. Hahaha... What a loser. YEAH! oh my... I haven't been studying!! AND THIS IS THE MOST SCARY SUBJECT THAT I AM TAKING!!

I guess it's because everything's coming to an end that i really have no mood to study at all. It's really weird coz I actually studied more for prelim 2 than for 'A's. Heh... well except chinese and Stats. >.< This time round, I read through some things on chinese, but paper 1 was horribly done. I also managed to remember that paper 2 includes prob and stats, and made notes the night before.. Erm.. like from ard 12 am to 3 am ++? hahaha... Sigh...

I
AM
SO
LAZY!!

That's my confession. And it's not very good for me to confess this so truthfully and whole-heartedly. Eeks! As for the other confession? Bah... forget it larz. Nothing to expect from it, except disappointment (even though I should know the outcome) and the I-knew-this-was-coming. Haha... Well, at least by that time, people would be done with their 'A's and I'll have friends to console me! BUT, that is if i seek consolation from them :P

Err.. let me see, to update my current situation on 'A's:

GP -- Not too good, not too bad. Seems the usual. Which means I might be able to pass, but no hopes of scoring. B would be a luxury already.

Chinese -- As i've said, paper 1's horrible!! Juz in case you think tt paper 1 is essay-writing, nah... paper 1 is essay-writing + language paper. Why are they so bad? I SLEPT!! SEVERAL TIMES!! Well, that taught me a lesson. From then on, I made sure I get enough sleep the night before the papers. (But chinese is the last paper with morning paper so it's fine to sleep late from then on :D)

Math 9233 -- Err.. Paper 1 is better than I thought, but not too good. I erm... kinda expected myself to be skipping a whole lot of qns coz i didn't finish revising. I did skip qns in the end, but not a lot larz. And lucky me, I didn't study vectors and numerical methods for paper 1. They didn't come out!! YEAH! Paper 2... as i said, was doing super last minute work on stats. And read numerical methods and vectors on e train trip to school. Super duper last minute work. Skipped a few qns in paper 2 too. Overall. IF, i say IF, this is like the ijc standard, there's hope of aceing. However, that is IF it's ijc standard. which means, not high hopes of aceing. eeks!

Econs -- Not taken yet, but I can start predicting already. I am dead. I am doomed. I am in deep sh*t. This is gonna be the downfall of this black creature here. Hahaha... Oh, how can i still laugh.

Failed attempt to go to City Hall and Tanglin Camp today coz I was too lazy to move my butt, and there was no one to go with. Well, one of the purpose to have someone to go with is to force me to move my butt. Hahaha... oh well. At least I went to City Hall once, all thanks to Chaky. If i failed my econs, it'll be his fault! haha.. juz kidding. I took some pictures with my phone, and regret not taking more. Well, the photographer's someone else. Sigh... and I'm not used to taking pictures all the time, juz forgot to take them lorz. :p Will put up the pictures i took the next time coz blogger's not letting me upload them -_-" haiz.. hopefully by then i can get the pictures from the photographer, then can post everything together :)

Saturday 4 November 2006

today's crap

Look at what i've found in ELLE magazine (Oct 06), under ellehoroscope:

GEMINI
21 MAY - 21 JUN
An opportunity offered to you at the end of September seems to be a dream come true -- but you should wait for a few weeks, if possible, before you say yes. You need to find out more about it, and to assess what it will demand from you as well as its rewards. In mid-October you will get to see it in a very different light, which may make you glad you waited; but if you still think it's what you want, then go ahead.

HAHAHA.. hilarious! xD Well, this actually applies to several things that had happened, including the one that I guess you're thinking about now. Haha.. but whether I saw these things in a different light in mid-October or some other time, I can't be sure. Well you see, I don't really keep track of time, as most of you already know. hahaha.. yep.

That's all the crap for today. Unless you wanna know that I haven't been studying as usual. Oops.. haha.. That leaves me 2 days to touch on pure mathematics and a day for stats! no no...

Thursday 2 November 2006

New mad drawing

Here's my new drawing.. done when i'm supposed to be preparing for 'A's. Heh heh.. well, i started some time ago, and finishing it will make me feel more accomplished and less distracted (somehow), so I decided to finish it! hahaha.. If i'm right, it was done by early halloween :) Slept late to finish it.

























Well, erm.. first, tell me what you think i'm drawing by looking at the 'big picture' up there. :) Thanks. I wanna see how others interpret my drawing. At the end of this entry, I'll be revealing what i'm actually drawing.. It's nothing too deep, by the way.


Well, I hope you can see the animals here. There's a rabbit (quite obvious), a snail, a squirrel, a goldfish, a pig, a bird, a cat, and a boy(this is not an animal xD assuming animals = non-human animals) I ran out of ideas and visions/sights/creativity.. whatever, halfway through drawing, and was unable to link the shapes to any animal. So, well.. I'm not that satisfied.




















Well, I hope you've enjoyed these photos :) judging by how clear the pictures are, i guess you know that I didn't use my phone to take it. Haha.. I used my bro's camera secretly.. SHHH... Hahaha.. like it matters.

So now, to reveal the answer. What i'm drawing.. or rather, my inspiration is actually a plant. So, I'm kinda like drawing a growing seed. Haha.. out of the 6 ppl i've asked so far, 3 realised that it's a plant (though one knew it from me some time earlier, before i completed this piece. haha..) 4 others thought that it's sth to do with love, coz of the heart-shaped like thingy. Mel was quite funny, she thought tt i'm trying to say tt the love is running away. HAHAHA.. but well, i have to agree that when i drew the roots, i thought they look like legs, and i might've purposedly positioned them there. xD Fred thought that it's a plant, but with a deeper meaning (related to love again). He thinks that I'm trying to say sth like the love is growing. Hmm... But well, i was just drawing a growing seed.. that came to my mind as a random idea :P

Next, GOOD NEWS!! erm.. Well, one of it is good larz. xD

Peeps! Please visit marina square between 9 to 12 november. Noise festival will be launched 6.30 pm at 9 nov there. My artwork would be displayed too :) And yeah, i'll be paying my artwork a visit, and of course its neighbours *wink* Muz go arh.. Muz arh!! I'll camp there and you better show your face i tell ya! hahaha...

The good news is, the person in noise singapore called to tell me that I'm given an opportunity to showcase my artwork on a magazine too, but it's a video games magazine, so I would have to draw something related to that... which is kinda hard with my style (referring to my mad drawings here). I asked her for the deadline and she said, "I will need your commitment for the next 2 days." Oops... the next 2 days = 2 and 3 november = 'A's language papers. Ahem hem hem... Ya, so i gave it a pass lorz. But she said that she'll try to find a slot to squeeze me in, perhaps for jan 07 issue :) That would be nice. But again, video games... *troubled*