Back to crez dance June 06 PHOTOS!!

Managed to grab some photos from Junie =) But seems like most of them are blur.. Well.. Haha..

Haha... from the left, it's Peiyi. Some background knowledge... commonly known as lizard, is also the president of the Sweaty Palms Society (SPA)

Next is ME! commonly known as Xiao Hei, name given by Mr. Loh (Modern Dance instructor in crez. WE LOVE HIM!!! :D). It started as charcoal, to xiao hei. He even made attempts to change my name as i got older, to Da Hei, Yin Du Ren and all... but he's just too used to xiao hei xD. I'm also the ruler of Hei Ren Guo!!

Last person is Junie. Her name (by lao shi changed from 13 dots to lao sai de xD). She's a blur creature. The cannot turn to much coz will faint one. Haha...

Look at all the dead bodies!! xD With one arm up. hahaha.. we've all done that back in crez dance. We know what's gonna come once laoshi says the word "imagine" when we're lying down. Shan't tell you! xD

Hmmm.. my comments abt e juniors arh, erm.. they're not moving enough, they are all so dead. Their actions need to be really REALLY BIG BIG BIG!!!

Not that we're being mean or anything like tt, letting poor peiyi not show her beautiful smile. xD Haha.. Junie just suddenly want to take picture with me, then peiyi juz suddenly came over too. So.. <-- That's the end result

And look at the contrast in skin colours. now you know why i'm called xiao hei!

The background's our school stage. I love to lie on the stage floor and sleep. xD

These 2 pictures, they really bring back a lot of memories. Looking at all the mats, I can remember all the flippings, turnings, Jumpings, and many other wonderful and exciting experiences, not forgetting also the many bruises

Remember how lao shi so suddenly grabbed (and i mean grab) me and my friend away from our other friends, to teach us frontwalk. Felt so "OH NO!!" back then.. but now, i feel honoured.

Remember how the senior who was supposed to supervise our frontwalk (while lao shi's doing other stuff) do all the funny funny things but still remain as a scary image in my memory. hahaha..

Remember how when i just got into crez dance as a sec 1 kid, more flexible than most of them coz of my outside training, being said to be like Diana(but she's even more flexible. eeks~).

Hmm.. all these memories really make me miss crez dance a lot. Haha..

PANIC

历史不断的重复，

我似乎永远都学不乖。

临时抱佛脚，家常便饭。

虽然明知于事无补，帮助不大，

但我仍然让历史重复。

懒惰的个性，

伴随我度过了漫长的岁月。

它已是我生活里不可缺少的一部分。

说来真可笑，

但我似乎已爱上了懒洋洋的感觉。

该不掉的坏习惯，

总是让周围的人为我担心。

大家总叫我用功一点，

总说我若像大家一样用功

便能考得很不错。

唉~ 说得容易，做的难呀！

眼看过几天就得上战场去了。

还未经过锻炼的我，

应该会被考卷给杀掉吧！

每当快考试时，

我总是很想学些课外的东西。

前些日子，

我就突然想多了解“傲慢与偏见”。

那是文学吧！

跟我毫无关系呀！

也是我中学是讨厌的科目之一。

又有点想学日语，韩语。

又想学下围棋。

哈哈。。。 其实，

学习是很快乐的事情。

但是，因为我们在学校里都是被逼着学习，

所以才会如此厌恶吧。

其实，

我们何时不是在学习呢？

不知不觉中，

我们总学了很多东西。

不知不觉中，

我们也丢掉了很多已学过的东西。

It's time to plan how i'm going to make use of my extremely limited time to study!!

23 June (Friday) Chinese A full paper >.<

I only have wednesday and thursday to study for chinese.. Gotta really study!

26 June (Monday) Mathematics paper 1

Sigh... lost my notes. Gonna focus on paper 1 only. That means, i'm not gonna revise probability and stats as yet. Hmm... should be doing math while studying chinese.. but gotta share with econs after chinese. AHHHH!!

27 June (Tuesday) Economics paper 3

What a bad paper... ESSAYS!! That means i have no choice but to try my best to read through all my notes. To read through and not study, because i'm a dumbo to not study earlier.

28 June (Wednesday) Mathematics paper 2

Target on paper 2 lorz...

29 June (Thursday) Economics paper 1 and 2

Look at TYS MCQ. If I manage to dig out my tutorials, read my DRQs and learn from mistakes.

Sigh.. what a boring life.

lost my phone

I lost my phone...

and there's nothing much i can say.

I just lost it.

That's it.

It's lost now, and cannot be found.

I'm sad... so sad...

I called my number,

no one picked up..

i called again and again...

soon, it no longer rings.

That person must've removed my sim card.

Sigh... not that my phone's very expensive and exquisite whatsoever... it's the contacts inside, and the photos taken!! :( And my papa's reactions only made me feel a million times worse... he didn't scold like mad, but the way he said it, as if i lose phones all the time. Sigh.... wonder how my mum's gonna react to this incident.

The man from bishan interchange said that he'll call me if he found it, but it's been half an hour already, guess there isn't hope.

The funny thing's that piggy was asking me yesterday or the day before yesterday, when does my plan end, and what phone model am i getting... look at what happen now!! AHHH~ I'm not happy... so unhappy!!

Besides losing a phone, my math notes cannot be found too. That's 2 terms worth of notes..

Just asked my dad something, and the way he replied... the way he replied... :'(

What with all the stress, all the sadness, all the horrible feelings felt when i lost my phone, i have to endure the cold treatment from my dad.. and i think my mum too, when she comes back. I know it's my fault, but i do feel bad too. It's not like i don't care whether i lose my phone or not... I'm sad alright.. i'm very sad.. :(

a similar yet different experience

Finally gone back to visit crez dance yesterday. Finally got to see lao shi again. =) Going back as a senior is a different experience... there's less pressure, more freedom, but also there's something missing... the kind of excitement and sth like the sense of belonging. It's probably because we no longer participate in those dances... no longer know who's who since we've never even seen them before.. Many things have changed, yet many things have remained the same. Going back as a senior though is a different experience, still doesn't feel all that different. It brings back many memories, and i mean many. I really, really miss those times there. Those were my happiest time of my life. Though it can be quite demanding and tiring, it's what I like to do. It brings back many tears and smiles at the same time, not forgetting laughters.

Was feeling quite fine in the morning. Sneezed and sniffed as usual when i woke up, just that it went on for the whole day, gone on till now still. Haha.. yeah i'm ill. Guess i played too much yesterday, after some time, i feel my head throbbing. That was when i stopped and rested. Joined them for the nightline at night, but left before it ended because i needed to catch a bus home. Quite funny, graduated from crescent 2 years ago and it's my first time climbing over the school gate.

Erm.. lao shi was of course teaching them some dance steps and all.. while he was teaching this particular part, sally, peiyi and i suddenly decided to learn too. xD So we joined them behind. Glad that I still can follow their pace. Even more glad to know that I'm still kinda better than them. xD Laoshi actually said that the 3 of us danced better than all the rest of them. But laoshi always like to do that to those learning e dance, so well, can't really be trusted. Haha... Juniors asked to watch the 3 of us dance but laoshi said not enough time. Think laoshi dun want us to throw face bah. :P

Sad that he's like ignoring me, esp when i'm not feeling well. Sigh.. guess it can't be helped.

失眠？

Blah... Finally going back to crez dance tmr =) YAY!! But actually, there's supposed to be econs consultation tmr arh.. Hmm.. but mel tried to postpone it le, so i think it's fine larz. :P anw, my library book's super duper overdued le lorz.. sigh.. gotta pay a lot bah..

Didn't sleep last night. Didn't sleep at all. What had i been doing? Wrote a letter to my friend, designed the envelope, read comics, and for the rest of the time, i had been stoning. It's just... like... in the midst of whatever i'm doing, i'll just suddenly go blank. Then after some time of stoning, i'll continue doing what i was doing. Haha...

Had been wondering why i didn't sleep. Is it because.. I just can't sleep? Or is it because I don't want to sleep? Hmm.. no idea. I guess it's more of I don't wanna sleep bah. Anw, i slept at 5 e previous night, and woke up at abt 3 pm. So... well... Haha... I'm quite sleepy now actually.

Went to great world extremely early since i didn't sleep. Had an exciting experience chasing and hiding from e cockroach in e toilet. :P Left house at 8.30 am bah... so rare. Can go buy toto le. Realised that great world's quite nice in the morning... very quiet. I like.. :D Haha... i don't like the crowd in great world... Well actually, i don't like crowd anywhere larz.

Today's not exactly a good day. Things didn't go my way. Many things didn't go my way. Nearly cried again, just now when my mom was scolding me for something. Didn't though. I felt really down, but i guess there isn't enough water in me to cry bah.

I miss Laoshi.. i miss all the dance experiences in crescent, in buona vista cc, and in PA. i miss dancing with my friends. miss the mad trainings for SYF... miss my happy self. miss being loved... miss him... Bah.. forget it.

Well, i'm glad e juniors are still gonna play nightline :) That's a tradition in crez dance. It's a muz play!!

:(

Hate this time of the month.. though it's not necessarily a month. Bahhh.. hate it! hate it! hate it! But i'm glad it came now and not later =)

Thinking that i'll be writing more? Nope.. xD I have nothing much to type today.. juz came here to say that i hate this time of the month because i really hate it!!

Hmm... anything else arh?

Hmm...

He still doesn't come and find me. That's a lil sad. =/

The Omen

Watched The Omen with piggy today... It's not bad. Go watch it. =)

I'm glad it's not 6 june today... coz i actually was left with $6.60 after buying the tickets.. and before my kor kor returned me 20 bucks. >.<" So creepy.. haha.. talk about creepy.. some of the scenes are quite O.O coz they are so SO sudden.. well, they are meant to scare us mah. xD

Walked home alone.. along the river as usual. Dark of course, realised that it's kinda scary to see e foreign labourers while i'm walking alone there.. but well.. i'm black black, they're black black.. hopefully we won't see each other. xD haha.. oops.

Not a very efficient day today. Today's not a studying day. But i'll stay up late tonight to study. I hope I will study. >.<

Just remembered that i haven't been practising on e fan. eeks.. eeps.. gotta practise soon, real soon. But i doubt i will. xD

a lil down

Don't know why.. i'm a little down recently.. Fine. Maybe it's more than just a little.

Decided to watch da chang jing some days ago... to finish it. Watched.. and cried... Well.. there are many sad parts, and parts that'll make you feel so touched, parts that are so lovey dovey in the sweet sweet way... they all made me cry. Finished the book i borrowed from the sch library, "man and boy" by tony parsons --hope i didn't remember wrongly -- and there are many parts that made me cried too. Like when the grandad died... when harry had to part with his beautiful boy, when cyd left harry... ... ... they all made me tear.

And the thing about my mum raising her voice... Haha... just now, i got so irritated just because my bro spoilt my plan by using my study area... Then while watching tv, i'm suddenly reminded of him. Hate it when things don't go the way i want them to. Hate it!

Don't know why. I suddenly told myself that I should stop talking about him in my blog. Then, i'm reminded of the time i promised not to talk about him anymore... ha.. look at what i've been doing all this while? broke my promise totally. So i kinda promised myself again to stop blogging about him, but i'm not sure if it'll be an empty promise again. I really don't know.

Well... it took me about one hour last night to sleep. I slept after 3, btw. I dreamt a sweet dream, really nice. It was about a guy, that i hoped was him... that guy was nobody i know.. just a guy. He was very nice to me. What did he do? How did he look like? I don't remember at all. I only rememberd that it's a good dream with someone nice to me. I only rememberd that when i woke up from tt dream, i was hoping that he can be that guy who treats me so well in my dreams. So, though it's a good dream, it still made me kinda sad when i woke up.

Everything's all over. It's time I learn to let go. Quoting 'man and boy', "Love means knowing when to let go". And something i read in e chain email from a friend of mine, "it takes a minute to have a crush, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone. But it takes a lifetime to forget."

This is just one painful part of my life. I know that in the near future, i'll be having a good laugh at how i used to suffer liking someone who can never be mine and who will never be there for me. Though i know that, right now, it's too painful.

why bother?

someone complained that i didn't update my blog.. so here goes. Well, of course i don't just blog because someone asked me too. I sorta do wanna blog, somehow.

Went to great world at a much later time than usual today. I woke up intending to reach there before 12 because that's sorta like the peak period, and it always seem to rain around that time. -_-" I didn't go in the end because my parents came home at 12++ and i know that they expect me to finish my food before leaving. So, i decided not to go. Well, it was partly due to my mum too. She was being a little harsh and raised her voice for nothing serious enough to make any mother raise her voice. Perhaps i'm stressed, perhaps i'm moody enough, perhaps i was thinking of all my troubles at that time... once she raised her voice, i could feel my tears coming out, like now. Not like i didn't try to fight them back. I did! I looked away, trying to act as if i'm curious about this plastic that flew down to the ground, or the clock on the wall. For a moment, i thought that i did well fighting them back, but she raised her voice once more and i concluded that I wasn't that well after all.

Went to the toilet in my room while my brother's ending his game, preparing to leave for brunch. Locked myself inside, squat down and cried quietly. Not as quiet as i would wish, but as quiet as i could. I seriously had no idea why I cried. Not like it's the first time she raised her voice for nothing, not like it's the first time that i find it unfair. I really wondered why I cried. Why was i crying? Stress? Him? Me? Or everything? Or nothing at all? Why?

Went to great world in the end because junie asked me out to eat potato at great world, and study at macs.

Realised that he really doesn't care. He doesn't care at all! I know that i shouldn't see too much into things, but I really can't help but feel that he seriously doesn't care! He doesn't care about me, he doesn't care about what i've got to say, he doesn't care about how i'm feeling, he doesn't care about what i'm doing... he just doesn't care! And why should he? When i mean nothing to him. Nothing at all... When i least expect him to appear, he just pops out of nowhere... and the sadness just gets deeper and deeper.

It used to be that i see hope everywhere, and i mean everywhere. And now? now?? All the hopes are gone. They're nowhere to be seen. And me? I don't know what's become of me. I can be perfectly fine one day, feeling that well it's nothing much actually... but i can be really down at times, thinking so so much... hurting myself even more. I was alright yesterday, I was. Serious. But just not today. Today's a touchy day... today's a day when i'm fragile, when i get hurt easily... when it's so easy to make me cry.

Well i just have to accept the fact that i mean nothing to him. It's a painful fact that i have to accept. Perhaps i meant something to him at first, but not now... not ever... What's the sad thing about this whole thing? Though he doesn't feel anything towards me, but i do. That's the sad thing.

Why did things end up like that?

Why am i so weak all of a sudden?

I wonder why I bother so much when it all meant nothing to him at all. Why do i bother when I mean nothing to him. why? WHY? All because i like him... all because i like him? I feel so forlorn all of a sudden. I feel so useless... so dumb. I'm no longer who i used to be, who i am supposed to be. All because i like him?

Once again, I feel that he's ignoring and avoiding me. Just that this time round, I'm even more sure than before. It's nice knowing that there are people around me who are concerned. But it's not that nice knowing that he's not one of them. It's not nice at all.

jerk!

HEY LISTEN HERE JERK!!

stop bullying my dajie or you will never get a good life!! I'll go fight you! and i'll ask my friends to beat you up!!

Nah.. i'm not that violent, that's just to show how unhappy i am with that JERK!! who bullied my dajie. Haha.. anw, he doesn't read my blog, so i'm safe.. phew... hahahahaha.. but once again, he can't do anything even if he reads my blog. If he does sth, it'll juz prove that he IS that jerk who bullied my dajie. So well.. too bad.. aww so sad..

anw, dajie, you muz be strong and... strong. xD There's really nothing much that we can do for you, you just have to be strong and overcome this yourself. =) But i promise that i'll be there for you, always, if i have the time. Haha.. You can call me if you have any problems, I'll listen to you no matter what. I'll listen to you even when i'm very sad too. You can pull me away if i'm having lessons, i will be most delighted to pon class. =D Oops... hahaha.. well, i guess you're bound to be bullied since you're so nice.. I'm the opposite. =P

Do learn to forget... this is sth that i have to learn too. To forget. It sounds really easy especially when it comes to homework and exams... but it's really difficult when it comes to relationships. When talking about relationships, i mean friends, lovers, family, sisterly affections like dajie and me (*puke*)... ... yep.. all those relationships. It's so hard to break ties, so hard to just.. forget.

I'm still slacking every day. This is bad. Just received an email that computron's extended its deadline. but well.. i didn't even do anything! Sigh.. and the new deadlines is 2 days later. pfft.. never mind. I shall wish my fellow schoolmates good luck! xD

Am crazy about mayday now... always listening to their songs. Realised that there are some other songs with lyrics sooooooooo real!! Hahaha... learnt a new word yesterday from fred the walking dictionary + online dictionary + handphone dictionary. Hahahah... euphemisim!! I hope i didn't spell it wrongly.

Got my birthday present from piggy yesterday... it's a cat about books!! I mean, a book about cats!! Hey i didn't fake that typo up there ok.. i just didn't bother to "backspace" it, hoping that you all will laugh at it. See i'm so nice, make you all laugh, or at least smile. =D anw, that book's funny.. though there are quite a significant number of vulgarities inside, with its book title "PUSSY", they are all for fun, so i'm alright. =) I didn't bash the book.. neither did i burn it. xD

No more creative juice for stickman... perhaps they only come out when i'm sad. Well.. too bad then. i'm not sad now!! Bwahahaha..

You were never there for me

You were never there for me when i needed you.

But, you don't even know that i need you in the first place. Haha... never mind.

Sometimes, I　really really wish that you were there for me! I really wish that you are the someone right beside me... but life's never this easy for me. Life's never this easy for anyone. And that's just life...

回家的路上。。。　已是九点了。天色已暗，而我跟以往一样，自己一个人走回家。走着走着，前面是一对情侣，于是我放慢了脚步，尽量离他们远一点，给予他们个人空间。我在想，是那个男的在送那女生回家吗？还是，那女生在送那男生回家呢？还是，他们只是刚好经过要到别的地方去呢？突然，我想：　要是有一天，你能陪我走那段路，送我回家，那该有多好。

感觉好孤单，好无助，好想有个肩膀给我靠，有个人看我哭，有个人听我说，有个人逗我笑。当然，那个人不可能是他。因为，我会需要一个人，全都是因为他。从我上一次为了他而哭，已过了好一段时间了。而这一次，我又突然好想哭。为什么要在这个时候出现？为什么要出现？为什么？为什么？我不断地问自己为什么。为什么会喜欢上他？为什么明知道会更痛苦但仍要陷得更深？为什么在知道不值得以后，仍在那里傻傻的等待？为什么因为他的一举一动而感到心烦？为什么对他来说什么都不是的东西对我却那么重要？为什么我好像一个笨蛋一样的喜欢她但却什么也得不到？为什么他总是那么容易让我开心，却又那么容易使我为他而哭泣？为什么在我知道事情不妙的时候，来不及把握自己从中拉出来？为什么他不再找我说话？为什么之前的那一切像是一场梦？为什么他好像在避开我？为什么他似乎不再对我感到好奇？为什么他之前看似对我有意思但如今却显得冷淡？为什么不能得到回应？为什么他不知道？为什么他不了解？为什么他不接受？为什么他不喜欢？为什么他的她不是我？为什么他好像完全不在乎一样？为什么我有种被欺骗的感觉？为什么命运要那么作弄我？为什么是他？又为什么是我？

心中许许多多的为什么，始终都找不到答案。他难道只把我当着朋友？由始之终，都只是朋友罢了？我像个笨蛋一样，自己一个人瞎兴奋。我第一次感到那么笨，那么傻。全都因为他。

为什么我始终忘不了这短短的　“单恋”　？　

绝望

Possibilities

Talked to mel today, and recalled that i actually had thought about a lot of possibilities of my current situation.

1. He treats me nothing more than a friend and i had thought too much in the past.

2. He was interested at first but soon lost interest (perhaps he now knows that i'm rotten to the core, not good at all)

3. He knows that I like him, that's why the avoidance, the hostility, and the coldness.

4. He likes me, but i'm not warm enough to push him on. So he thought that i'm not interested.

5. He liked me, but soon persuaded himself to stop before there's more to it because now is the crucial time.

Whichever it is, there's something that's definite, I'm thinking too much. That's not all the possibilities I had came out with, there are more, but I've forgotten. Another thing that i can be sure of... i really like him. It doesn't help me forget when i don't see him at all, though it does calm me down a little... there's still this sadness in me that can sometimes become overwhelming. It's good that this term break is here at this time, gives me time to be calm, because i won't really get to see him since i don't need to step out of my house.

Nothing seems to be the same. At the beginning, it seems as if it is fate, destiny, whatever... it's like we're meant to know each other, it's all predestined. But now, it's the total opposite. Everything seems to go the wrong way. It just makes the whole situation worse... makes me feel worse.

Sometimes, i want to see him. But when i did see him, i won't even take a second look, trying my best to walk further away from him as quickly as possible... as if i'm the one avoiding him. Well... actually, i am avoiding him somehow, because it hurts to see him. He's so near, yet so far. He can be right beside me, but he can never be mine.

I've stopped crying. But i'm still sighing, still thinking, still sad, still hoping, still lifeless... Why do i have to know him in the first place, when he'll bring me so much miseries? Perhaps i have to learn to forget. It's easy to put it into words, but it's way difficult to put it into action. Seems like no stickman drawing can fully illustrate my feelings, because it's so complicated.

Sometimes, I can hate him, but when i see him, i know that i can't possibly hate him. They are just separated by one fine line, and i'm always running about the boundaries, hating him yet liking him at the same time. Talk about conflicting minds and the twin of gemini. Sigh... If only things can be easier...

stickman 03

Guess i'm really in love with stickman drawings now... Realised that actually many of my drawings are repetitions. They're roughly of the same idea, but the pictures are a little bit different. Some give off a more intensed feeling.

Had been "promoting" my stickman drawings to my friends. So far i've received 3 comments? fred was e first, he said 'minimalistic'... which until now i still dun really understand what he's trying to say. haha.. nx was da jie, as you can see from e tagboard... I'm actually curious which one of them she's referring to.. really curious. But well, she went offline before i had the chance to ask. =/ eh... last was fel, who only said sth like "nice". xD well, pls do give me comments. Thx..

So here's e new drawings..

"I can't..."

I can't... no matter how you try to pull me out of this miserable situation, i just can't manage to get myself out. It can be that i'm counter-pulling, meaning willingly staying in this painful life.. it can also be that i simply can't get myself out. I just can't! It's useless pulling me, give it up! Stop pulling!! Leave me alone!!!!

"I can't move on"

I know i have to move on, but i just push myself forward anymore...

This is almost the same as the one above, just that for this one, it's about moving on, while the other is getting myself out.

No matter how hard you try to push me forward, it doesn't help when I can't move on. It's useless pushing me forward. I know it's for my own good, i know... I would also like to get myself to move on with my life, but right now, I can't bring myself to do it.

I don't cry as often now, but there's still the sadness inside... that takes a much longer time to go than the tears. It's not easy, just in case you don't know.

"He's online"

So what if he's online... I do nothing, he does nothing... Not like we chat... we don't! That's the problem!! Not even a "hi" or a "boo!"... nothing. We don't chat... i should just delete his name and save me from getting troubled upon seeing his nick appearing as online.

"Fly me to the moon"

Fly me to the moon... actually there's nothing much to this. Just feel like seeking some peaceful lifestyle, away from miseries. And the moon seems to be quite a place for some peace.

"in other words, please be true, in other words, i love you"

a sweet song can sound sad when the person singing it is sad. Mood affects everything heh...

more stickman drawings

Have more stickman drawings done today... I'm actually surprised that I still have more stickman drawings to contribute. Perhaps that's how things should be, do it bit by bit and not rush... perhaps that's what i should be doing, taking things step by step and not rushing. But that's when there are still things to anticipate... Now that i know there's nothing waiting for me at the finishing line, what's the point? I should give up the race... But i'm not doing what i SHOULD be doing. i can't stop walking though i've already stopped running. I promise myself, i will walk out of this one day. I can overcome this even on my own, just need a little more time.

"No need for words"

You don't need to say anything, there's no need for words. I just need you by my side, I just need your companion.

Many things are just like that isn't it? Sometimes, we need friends by our side but we don't want them to talk to us. Things like that happen when you're sad and need some peace and quiet, but at the same time, you need their companion. Other than that, this can also mean that it's okay if you don't talk to me, as long as you stay with me. That's all I'm asking for. That's all i had been asking for.

"Nothing much"

There's nothing much, really. You don't need to think so much about my actions because sometimes, they are seriously nothing much. No need to panic when I drift a little apart from the group... sometimes, i need time alone, though there are times when i feel alone because of you people. Hmm.. it's hard to explain. Haha.. forget it then.

"Set me free"

Sometimes, i really wish that i have a pair of wings that will set me free from this boring lifestyle, and leave this world of miseries. I often find life mundane and boring, and often wish to take a break. The wings that i wish for, are able to set me free. Whether from the stressful school life, pursuing 'A's, or the sadness i have to put up with all because of him, or sometimes even the family that can sometimes make me feel worse. Set me free... we all have this feeling sometimes, don't we? Guess all of you can understand what i'm trying to say here. =)

"Not asking for much"

I'm not asking for much you know, I just want that balloon you're holding on to. Is it that difficult for you to give it to me?

I'm not asking much here you know, I just need you to see what's good in me, and tell me that you like me. Is it that hard for you? Of course it is... there's nothing good about me, and that balloon's glued to your hand, isn't it?

Sometimes, we think that we're not asking much. But life's just like that, not everything we asked for can be given to us just like that. There's nothing we can do about it. We have to accept this fact because that's how life is. Nothing's perfect. Nothing's fair. We can only live with it.

stickman

wonder why.. currenly i'm really in love with stickman drawing (not enough to get me out though), not hand-drawn though..

Well anw, here are e new ones done today. Shall explain them too, if there's anything to explain about... =)

i'm going according to which one i drew first.. perhaps to let you see my flow of ideas. Something like that larz..

To explain this drawing. Well, It's an extension of the other one also with a flower. The difference is that the flower has more colours now, and that there are petals dropping off the stalk. The fallen petals represent the tears of the person holding the flower. I simply name it, "The crying flower". Am trying to bring out the feeling of disappointment, sadness, hopelessness (is there such word?). It's actually the same as the previous "dead flower" just that i think that this is more intensive, with the flower crying.

Well, to explain this drawing... Tell you the title first... "I am Happy" it's not a very good title, but if you have a better suggestion, please please do tell me. Thanks! =)

Basically. The stickman is just trying to convince himself that he is happy, when he actually is not. As you can see the contradiction; the smile and the / \ eyebrows.

Sometimes, we just do that. We just force ourselves to be happy even when we know that we're not. This had happened to me before of course, some time ago. It just makes you even more depressed.

"Lonely"

Sometimes, we just feel so lonely in this BIG BIG world. We can feel lonely even when we have friends and family surrounding us. We'll still feel lonely no matter what, because some things had happened and you have to deal it by yourself, or you're forced to do it.

I'm one of the few who often feel so alone even in a crowd. That's why, sometimes you see me walking around alone. I'm in my own world of solitude even when walking with you people. Don't worry, that's just me. I do get sad sometimes, but not all the time. But i often step into my world of solitude so easily.

while i'm bored...

Had been doing some personality tests and IQ tests recently... Well actually it's just these 3 days. *chuckles* What can i conclude? Well, I can't really remember much of my personality tests that i've done 2 days ago. Haha.. as for today's, i'm melancholy40%, phlegmatic25%... another test says that i'm artistic and creative and encouraging... a personality test based on colours said that i'm creative and artistic too, and suit jobs relating to art, speech, debate... errmmm... hmmm... I doubt i am creative and artistic. I doubt, really! So does that mean the results are inaccurate? =\

As for e IQ tests, i did one last night, and introduced it to various friends. xD I'm surprised tt almost all of them were interested in doing e test!! or maybe they were just bored, like me. haha... my results, IQ 126, considered as above average. Hmmm... "above average" doesn't sound nice, especially when the two above it are "gifted" and "genius". Out of all those i introduced e test to, only one got his results out before i went offline, and accurate (according to website). That's jason, the gay.. xD his IQ is... ... ... 105 if i'm not wrong. Oops.. am i allowed to publicise his IQ? anw, e average is 100, so he's considered as e higher average.. something like that. As for ppl like e boy boy and geok, they didn't know there's a time limit and went to do other things.. so they didn't get to finish e test in time. haha.. hilarious. da jie's one i'm not sure, but i think it'll definitely be above 100. Oh, my brother told me that the last time he took an IQ test, his results was above 150!! Thought that he was joking coz above 144 or somewhere there is "genius"!! *pouts* so unfair.

anw, here's e webby that you can go try and test your IQ =) have fun doing it.

Oh.. and according to that test, and some other tests i took yesterday, i'm good with spatial stuff.. so i can visualise 3D stuff. Does that mean i've chosen the right faculty to aim for? NTU ADM ?

That reminds me.. went to NTU today for e prize presentation of INK 2006. So sad, i didn't get any award, juz participation. The standard was quite high. But i roughly know my problems, so well.. lessons learnt. =)

what the.. geok juz told me that his result's IQ 132!! =( higher than mine. HMPH!! haha.. joking larz joking.. i can take it tt i'm stupidER than him

anw, took another IQ test earlier today, and i was half dozing off.. got 60 qns arh.. somemore like all e same type one.. all e patterns and stuff like tt. So i was very sleepy.. sleeping already.. =P but i managed to complete it anw. Result was 124. Hmm.. v close to my other one. So is this accurate?

Well, but i'm still not convinced that i'm smart, or at least above average. I think i'm around higher average. Well.. low confidence level, one of e result i got from one of e many tests i've done. haha...

Here are my new stickman drawings!!

peek-a-boo!! Haha.. looks like 2 soldiers marching along somewhere and a person trying to hide from them xD

Quite random, i agree. =D

Dead flower.. implying the feeling of disappointment, sadness, hopelessness (is there such a word? xD)... somewhere along tt line larz..

a very simple stick man =)

第一百则，竟然是他。。。

短短的缘分，就这样断了。

回想当时我们真得很有缘分，

像是老天安排的一样。

原来，

那不过是老天爷开的一个小玩笑。

最终，我们原来只是

有缘无分。

之前，

种种的种种告诉我有希望，

所以我才有所期待？

或许吧。。。

如今，种种的种种告诉我

是时候放手了，

但是我仍然执著。

明知没希望了，

但仍无奈的单独等待。

大家，都是这样过过来的吗？

当时的缘分，

原来只是想让我学会

拿得起，放得下。

原来只是想让我体会，

等待一个人是多么痛苦的。

原来只是想让我认识那么一个男生，

跟那么一个男生做朋友。

朋友罢了。

就只是朋友。

我现在似乎处于不想理他的状态。

但也不打紧，

因为他也不会来找我。

就这样让缘分断了吧。

断了反而轻松了。

虽然偶尔会有些泪水，

但至少我比较轻松了。

一天比一天更肯定

他对我没意思。

不知为什么，今天，

我有信心我能忘了他。

何时才会忘了他，我并不知道。

但是我相信我能痊愈的。

其实，也只不过是。。。

我能接受他对我没意思的事实。

时间，将能让一切复原，

让我康复，让我快乐。

这是第一百则，

说的竟然是他。

我承认我仍然会想他，

我承认看见他时仍然会心情复杂。

我承认我仍然会等待，

我承认我仍会在人群中寻找他的影子。

我承认他曾让我感到幸福，

我承认我过去只是想太多罢了。

不论如何，

我总得忘记的。

因为，

我们只不过是朋友。

好刺耳的字眼，

“朋友”，原来可以那么难听。

你们不需为我担心，

因为我相信我快没事了。

只要他不再来惹我，

我很快就会没事了。

我也可以选择

若无其事的假装没事。

唉。。。

他好像真的不管我了。

既然如此，那就算了吧。

当初，我们从只是认识的人，

到互相打招呼，

到。。。 。。。 ，

到如今的不理不睬。

这也是一种缘分吗？

哈哈。。。 真是讽刺啊！

=S

越来越觉得他似乎察觉到了，怎么办？我认为现在不是时候让他知道，所以我并不想让他知道。怎么办？啊~ 我也越来越觉得他开始觉得我烦了。怎么一切都那么不好的？好无奈。我想我是时候完完全全的不理他了。好了，决定了。就这么办。试着不理他，试着放弃这一切。当朋友也没什么不好的呀！可是还是有点难过呀！唉。。。

somehow...

somehow, i got this feeling that he knows that i like him.

He might have known it through the way i behave,

or maybe people around him tell him that they think that i like him.

Whichever it is,

i'm left with one conclusion...

Be more careful with what i say here,

be more careful with the way i behave.

I don't know whether he knowing it is a good thing or a bad thing,

but for now,

i don't want him to know.

So for those in the secret, please do keep a secret k. Please!!

No smiling, giggling, hinting, winking, "haha"ing, "heehee"ing,

when it comes to things regarding him ok?

I would really, really appreciate it!

Today's still quite a happy day. But i wonder... if i'm really happy, or i merely convinced myself to be happy. If i'm really happy, is it because my birthday's coming? Though my birthday's just hours away, there isn't much excitement and anticipation now. Sigh.. without him celebrating it with me or at the very least saying happy birthday to me, what's the point? anw, he doesn't even know when my birthday is, what's the point? forget it.. it's impossible for him to know my birthday.. impossible.. impossible.. doubt he'll even care whether it's my birthday or not.

according to the weekly horoscope thingy on e chinese newspaper, this week is supposed to be a happy week. Well.. perhaps tt made me think that i'll be happy this week, therefore i convinced myself that i'm happy. Get what i mean? Anw, the thing is that i feel that i'm trying to convince myself that i'm happy. So.. i guess this means that i haven't gotten over it. This is bad. I seriously have to learn to forget. Perhaps the best way is to tell him straight and then get rejected. That will end everything. That will stop him from talking to me. That will help me in forgetting everything. Okay... i may be impulsive, but i'm not that impulsive to do that yet. I'm a loser.. period.

my bruise is healing =) faded a lot le.. okay, random. Affected by yuan i guess.. e random queen.

Had a bad dream last night. He rejected me through a letter. =( But it didn't affect my mood in e morning coz i was only concerned about whether or not i'll be late for school. xD But before that bad dream, was a very very short good dream. He said he likes me!! Well, but e nightmare seems more realistic.

那黑色的气球，是他给我的希望。

刚开始，气球里的气很多，

但渐渐地，其慢慢消去了。

气球，渐渐地死了。。。

气球，在也飞不起来了。

可是，他又给我的气球打气，

气球又飞起来了。

他给我气球打的气，

叫做友情。

那令我好像放掉那颗气球。。。

多希望，那友情，能变成爱情。

Mad Day!!

I don't know why, but today is quite a happy day =) First thing in the morning, PE!! yay!! and we played hockey with A22. =D tommie chen said that we're stronger than them, juz that they're luckier. Haha.. so we lost to them in the end. Eh... got hit again lei... siti hit my right ankle, which only started to sting seconds aft it got hit. Gabrielle hit the back of my left hand, turned red after tt, then someone hit e ball so hard it flew and hit my right knee. xD haha... don't worry, i don't blame any of them at all coz it's juz a game, a fun game!! xD Oh, and gabrielle was very polite. haha.. saw her during gp at e toilet, and she actually apologised again. It didn't really register at first, so when she said sorry, i was like "huh?" until she explained, "your hand" then i paused and "ohhh... it's ok" hahaha... talk about slow. Oh no, i'm being influenced by e slow rxn ppl around me. ppl like piggy and mel. xD

today's filzah's birthday. Happy birthday!! not like she reads my blog though =P still... haha.. she actually thought that 17 may was my birthday coz she remembered tt mine's very close to hers. The funny thing is tt she was going to message me last week to wish me happy birthday if it wasn't for her uncertainty. Haha.. it'll be so funny if she did message me. xD

Perhaps it's because my birthday is just 2 days away that i'm so happy. Or perhaps it's because i'm going to meet my friends on friday!! SUP!!! i miss sup!! and jia hao. and marcus. and eng siew... xD e rest still quite ok coz see you all more often, or chat online xD pls dun feel bad if i miss you out there, coz i miss everyone! juz tt theirs is more intense arh. *wink*

xD They plan to win A22 tmr on hockey. =D so fun.. so fun.. except for e getting hit part larz. oh.. tmr gotta go home alone =( coz they got math.. so sad.

There's so much homework to do, but i just can't bring myself to work hard. Sigh.. oh, and e sch fixed this digital countdown thingy tt counts down to A levels. -_-" but it's good larz.. that reminds me of crescent, juz tt ours is on paper, not so high tech. xD

*ahem ahem* my birthday is THIS WEDNESDAY!! haha.. *ahem ahem*

I still haven't buy present for ah geok.. dunno what to buy for you how arh? how?

纪念？

一个月？

应该是快两个月了吧！

刚看了看我在四月写的东西，

关于他的东西。

原来岁月过得如此之迅速，

转眼间，

都快两个月了。

喜欢他，快两个月了。

痛苦了，快两个月了。

之前的甜蜜，

再也找不回来了。

两个月，就这样白白的过了。

就因为他，

这两个月都浪费掉了。

就因为他，

这两个月哭了两桶的泪水。

哈哈。。。开玩笑的啦。

两个月，竟然能够这样的过。

那接下来的日子又如何呢？

仍然是等他吗？

仍然是想他吗？

仍然是为他而掉泪吗？

仍然是那么的痛苦吗？

我会因此而失去斗志吗？

我会因此而荒废学业吗？

我知道这一切都不值得，

但我就是无法

不去想他，

不去喜欢他，

不在这里一直等他。

哭，是自然而然会发生的。

眼泪，是难免的。

痛苦，是无可奈何的。

你，是遥不可及的。

我是你日记里的一行字，

而你，

对我说的几个字，

却能成为我日记里的几篇故事。

*害怕*

一个傻蛋的故事

傻傻的等他上网。

傻傻的等他主动找我。

傻傻的等他说话。

傻傻的盼望他的出现。

傻傻的，傻傻的。。。

傻傻的看到他却装没事。

傻傻的躲着他。

傻傻的想找他但又不理他。

傻傻的假装坚强。

傻傻的相信我总有一天会开心。

傻傻的，傻傻的。。。

就这么傻傻的，

我哭了。

就这么傻傻的，

我受伤了。

觉得我越来越傻了。我做的一切都好傻，好傻。我都不是自己了。我连我是谁都忘了。为何喜欢上一个人的时候，我们总是傻傻的。傻傻的做那么多，最后只换来失望与悲伤。我们好傻，好傻。我知道我现在狠傻，但又能如何呢？

多么希望他能说声：“我喜欢你！”

突然想起，不久前我作了一场梦。一场美梦。梦里，有他，也有我。梦里，我似乎问他喜不喜欢我。梦里，他似乎暗示了他喜欢我。我问他，为什么不表示的明显一点。他说：“太明确的表示就不刺激，不好玩了。”但是，他说那句话时所用的语气是好的，是真的喜欢我的。

多希望，我不曾从那梦中醒来。

Yet another day

Yet another day of thinking about him. Today, I hoped to receive a greeting from him, but i didn't get one. Sigh... why is life always like that? And the worst thing is that i saw him many times, saw him everywhere I go to... but i never got a "hi", not even a glance, or a smile, or a wave. Well, i was ignoring him anyway, so i can't say much.

He made me sad, because it seems like i'm nothing to him. Had that been a sudden interest? Had it been just an impulse? I guess i really meant nothing to him, nothing but just one of the many girls he knows. I think i'm getting to be obsessed. I really want to get to know more about him, to get hold of more information. It's as if i'm fighting a war.

前些日子，我爱上了蓝色。

因为我总觉得心情是蓝蓝的。

最近，日子似乎抹上了一层灰色。

我还未爱上灰色，

但它已成了代表颜色。

我的心情....

是染上灰色的蓝，

是混杂蓝色的灰。

虽然我还未爱上灰色，

但我已开始中意黑白。

它像是记忆，

像是在述说着

我的故事，

我的过去，

我的点点滴滴...

不知为何，

开始觉得我是孤单的。

不知为何，

有种孤军作战的感觉。

就算有朋友，

但最终总要自己面对。

所以才会孤单？

无可奈何，但又如何？

Enough said about him and that matter. Let's talk abt something else. Hmm... While i was waiting for my other teammates to arrive at the canteen (4x100m supposed to report), mama cheong came and stood beside me. She asked if i was running, and i said yes. She then asked what events was i going to run. I said 2 relays. And her reply was sth like "oh, you're running. So you're quite an all-rounder."

HUH? i stared at her when she said that. Yes, i stared with my eyes opened O.O bigger than tt. My reply was, "no." xD like definitely.

She said that i have the intelligence, just not working hard enough. Then i told her that i am very lazy indeed. Haha... I wonder what makes her think that i'm smart. It can't be from GP since i never do well for GP. My friends suggested that teachers talk too. So well, perhaps she got that piece of false information from miss chua? Actually, i was very VERY tempted to ask her what makes her think that i have the intelligence. But well, i didn't. I still feel like asking her though. Maybe i'll ask her on Monday. Hmm...

Is it because i look smart? As in, I look like i'm smart... hahaha... nvm.

Lifeless

This morning when i woke up, i wondered if i was fine. By the time i took the train, i thought that i was fine. By the time i reached school, I thought that i was fine. By the first break, i thought that i was fine. By the time i saw him, i concluded that I wasn't that fine afterall. I saw him for the first time today, and what did i do? I did the usual thing i do when i see him, i ignored him. So did he. Sometimes, it's so tiring. I don't know what's so tiring, but it's just so, so tiring.

Why did i have to meet him in the first place?

When i thought that i'm finally free from these problems, here comes a new one. Why did i go so deep into it? I should've climbed out of e prob before going too deep down. But, it's just so hard. I can't help it.

Am i only a friend to you? Do you just treat me as a friend? I want to know, but i'm afraid of the answer that you'll give me. I'm afraid that it'll be another disappointment, the last one that'll take my soul away from me and leave me as a lifeless puppet. I have a way of finding out, but i'm afraid.

Sometimes, people are just so ironic. Though i want to know the truth, I would rather stay this way. I thought i've finally gotten over it. But i realised yesterday that i had never gotten over it. Never did i. I merely hid it deep, deep inside my heart, trying to cover it up with other stuff. But it's too big, and it doesn't stay there, it moves around. Now is the time when it's no longer just deep inside my heart. Now is the time when it's everywhere. Now is the time I need to be kept occupied once again.

I never knew that i could be this vulnerable. I thought that i was strong and tough, at least when it comes to this kinda matter. Well, i guess i was wrong.

Thought that i could pull through till next wednesday at least. Guess i was wrong again. I hope for a self-initiated "Happy Birthday", but i know i shouldn't expect anything. I've learnt my lesson you know, the higher the expectations, the more disappointments i get. I hope that i've learnt my lesson. I hope that it'll all wane and that i'll be genuinely, truthfully happy one day.

Sometimes, i cry. Sometimes, i just stone. Most of the time, i'll just be quiet. Right now? i'm quiet. I had been stoning when i'm not typing. Now, i feel a little like crying. Everything seemed to have lost their meaning when i'm sad. Life seems to be meaningless too. What's the point? Why am i donig this? Why must i feel like that? Why am i here? Why me? Why you? Why now? Why the pain?

While i'm asking these questions, typing here, i'm listening to music too. Is this meant to be? This song that was playing randomly fits in so nicely. I'm listening to Frank sinatra's version by the way. And here's the lyrics,

Why do I do, just as you say.

Why must I just, give you your way

Why do I sigh, why don't I try to forget

It must have been,

that something lovers call fate

Kept me saying:

"I have to wait."

I saw them all,

just couldn't fall 'til we met

It had to be you,

it had to be you.

I wandered around,

and finally found

the somebody who

could make me be true,

And could make me be blue

and even be glad,

just to be sad

thinking of you

Some others I've seen,

might never be mean

Might never be cross,

or try to be boss

but they wouldn't do

For nobody else,

gave me a thrill

with all your faults,

I love you still

It had to be you,

wonderful you.

It had to be you

Doesn't that totally fit in? It must have been something that we ALL call fate, that this kind of thing happens so often.

nothing at all

All of a sudden, i felt like crying.

I felt like crying, but i couldn't cry. Luckily, a post in friendster managed to make me cry because what i read was how i felt right at the moment. So relevant, so sharp, so painful. Tears flowed down non-stop... i could feel them rolling down so fast.

I did something wrong, and i've decided not to touch on that topic ever. I apologise for what i've done, but i seriously don't remember. Whatever it is, I feel like leaving the crowd for a while. Not to be leave me alone as in literally leave me alone, but just don't talk to me for a while. I need some quiet moments.

I wonder if i'm fine. I wonder if i'll be fine tmr. I wonder if i'll be fine on my birthday. I wonder if i'll be fine during the june holidays. I wonder if i'll be fine when the worst i've been expecting all this while comes true. I was fine, but i am not fine. Tmr might be another droopy-eyes day. Tmr might be another feeling-lonely-while-walking-home day. It might even be a feeling-lonely-while-walking-to-school day.

I finally stopped needing to be kept occupied a few days ago. But now, i think i need to be kept occupied again. I have no idea what i really want.

Just like that, i've lost everything, and am left with nothing. Nothing, but sadness... nothing but sorrows... nothing but loneliness.. Well, it seems like i'm not left with nothing.

HEE HEE!!

Supposed to attend a course today, but e program had some problems in some coms. So... e guy decided to postpone today's course. He wants us to get hands on, you see.. So I was free. But i planned to eat dinner out with someone, so i stayed. Ming yuan was free to eat with me aft her odac =), so i waited for her lorz.. Drew things again, my eerie no eyes series, and started a new crazy drawing..

Oh.. i sent a message to a wrong person. Was supposed to send it to mel but i accidentally sent it to yuan, >.<. Panicked coz I mentioned him inside e message, not his name, but him. ahhhhhh~ but after that i decided to tell her larz.. coz i know she won't spread one.. I'm juz worried that she'll tease me, you know..

HAHA!!

HEE HEE!!

While walking home from somerset, i suddenly felt very lonely. I walk the same route almost every day, alone, but i seldom feel lonely. Today's one of e days when i feel pretty much alone. Perhaps i'm missing him. Perhaps...

Found that it's still quite hard to get back to what we used to be. It has always been awkward, now more than ever. Sometimes, i really don't dare to talk to you. Sometimes, i fear that you don't want me to talk to you, but just put up with me because you don't want me to feel bad. It can make me cry so easily, the power of words, i guess.

Sometimes, i really wish that life has a remote control, for us to rewind, pause, or fastforward. But time doesn't stop to wait for us, life's like that. It's just like that.

injuries

Hmm.. after my ugly bruise, i got hit by a basketball on e head yesterday, and today, i got hit by a hockey stick right at my face!! T-T Anw, my ugly bruise of course didn't disappear, but i can see that it's better today =) Now i hope that there won't be a bruise on my face coz actually tt guy swung e hockey stick hard enough to make it very painful at tt moment.. my tears actually came out.. but i didn't cry. I'm a strong baby.. xD

Haiz... nothing much to say today.. it's quite a boring day. Mundane...

Saw him today, i greeted him because he saw me. =S I'm passive larz... dao kid is like that one mah.. It's not that i'm dao lorz.. it's juz tt i'm shy xD no larz.. i find it awkward to say hi sometimes.. not just to him, this applies to everyone. So... please dun say tt i'm dao le can?

Eh.. today's not a happy day, nor is it a sad day. It's a boring day. Boring boring boring.... BORING!!! =( Had been very sleepy through e day... slept while waiting for yuan yuan to finish training after pe. By e time they came back to wake me up, i was very very blur le... I'm either blur or frustrated when i'm being woken up. xD so be careful not to "offend" me orh..

Hmm.. mama juz called to say that she's not cooking, that she's in subway. Asked me what i want. Chose turkey, not sure if it's nice though. But well.. i'm not that hungry anyway... drank pearl milk tea juz now le. Was so blur that i spilled my milk tea. See how blur i can get when i juz woke up?

There's so much work to do!! SO MUCH!! and i'm very behind time.. esp for econs and chinese.. but, i'm not doing anything. Haiz... Juz can't bring myself to work hard enough. Why is jc life 2 years only? Why can't they make it 3 years so that i'll be happier. Stupid education system. Stupid..

Oh.. now i remember some things that happened today worth talking about. In e morning, this ah ma in a wheelchair board e train from amk. A lady pushed her into e train then left. E ah ma then started whining, "crying", complaining... ... finally she alighted at yishun (but tt's not her destination), leaving us some words before e door shut... she said, "i'm going to die, i'm going to jump!" THat's so scary arh!! I kept thinking if she meant it or was it just another "say say only" from an elderly. I'm afraid that she really did jump. I'll be plagued with SO SO much guilt coz i had the ability to stop her!! oh no...

Ya.. dun feel like typing le.. gotta do GP anw.. sianz..

BIG BIG bruise

Hmm... basically today, i've been a mobile exhibit!! Whahaha... so fun. And what have i been exhibiting? Those in school, you should know. My BIG BIG bruise!! (that looks so so painful, but it's not =P)

Well, it is painful of course, but not as painful as it seems.. unless you hit e right spot, which none of you did. =D Jason actually thought that it was very painful and fake an attempt to hit my bruise, which i just told him, "hit lorz.. not pain one. " Haha.. and he really hit it, but he didn't hit e right spot. xD E black black purplish part looks e most painful, but it's e part that's not tt colourful that is painful!! And i actually accidentally hit tt spot lightly, against e chair, twice i think. Ouch...

Everyone's been asking how i got the bruise. xD Someone asked jokingly if i was abused at home. Haha... Miss Choo was so shocked and she asked me to see a doctor if it's not painful coz it might be cancerous, but well.. it is painful. Just not THAT painful. =) But it's really ugly >.<>

Sigh.. have to pay soooooooo much money. =( Supported yuan yuan and M45 by buying a set of postcards, $4.50. Tmr gotta bring $35 for prom, and $10 for class photo, and wed gotta pay $140 for courses. Ahhhhhh~ How am i gonna ask for money from my daddy? So paiseh.. *pouts*

Come come.. who wants to see my wound. $5 per minute.. you can stare at it, you can poke it, smack it like how jason did with his bottle, take pictures, try cleaning it to see if it's marker ink and not a real bruise.. xD

Errm... gotta say that i'm happier these days though i still face the same problem =P Perhaps because it's just the beginning of the week. Haha.. or perhaps it's because that i'm not expecting that much from him anymore. So that every little thing that he does seems =) to me, and not like it's not enough... blah blah blah.. haha..

enough crapping.. just pray that my ugly bruise will be gone by next morning.. =S i doubt it will.

Today is sunday!!

Today's Sunday!!

Sunday = study at GWC macs day xD

As usual, i went to great world's macs.. they seriously should give me a VIP card.. and i haven't even signed up for e membership xD nvm larz.. e people there know me le.. =) Still remember this time i went to mcs and e guy ask me how come so long nv visit mcCafe.. xD oh.. i went to mcCafe today.. and he knows that i want a frappe. Haha... see what i mean? Oh.. and they should pay me for cleaning their tables.. i mean, seriously!! i know that sometimes they don't have the time to clean the tables.. so i help them clean (the one tt i'm using only =P).

Anyway, while waiting for Piggy to come, i saw 2 guys walked past, then wondered... this guy looks like someone.. Justin Jap... OH!! he seriously looks like justin jap!! In the end, from where i sat, i could see the 2 guys clearly. One of them IS justin jap! haha.. but i didn't say hi. By the time i want to say hi, he's gone already.. xD too bad then.

Then... while doing math, and still waiting for piggy, i got bored and looked around for a while (to keep me from dying of boredom) , then i saw zek with his mum. xD he was wearing this big big checked shirt, and he looks like mummy's boy. He was with his mummy anw. xD Once again, since i'm known as e Dao kid.. i didn't say hi. as always, not surprising at all isn't it? =) Oh.. then he told me online that everyone said that he looks like an uncle in that outfit. Haha... guess he really has a bad dressing sense. oops.. don't worry, i told that to him directly already. xD

After Piggy came, and after quite a long time, i went to evergreen to buy dividers. Came back to hear from piggy that Brenda's here too. Oh before i went up, i actually saw this girl who looks like brenda, but dressed weird. =\ So i thought perhaps it's just someone who looks like brenda. When piggy told me that, i asked her "was she wearing a skirt?" coz tt person was wearing a skirt. But piggy said that she was wearing shorts. well.. ok then. Who knows, when brenda came to join us, she told me that she was wearing skirt!! So i did see her!! Oh my... hahaha.. she said that she has bad dressing sense and she wore that skirt for church. Ok... haha.

When he's online, all i do is watch his msn nick. Then while doing things, i'll check if he's still online. I'll keep checking until he goes offline. So, i'm kinda hoping that he'll go offline quickly so that i won't feel that stupid anymore, but i also hope that he'll stay online and chat with me! =( He's offline already =) Great!!

Oh.. i have this really big bruise!! Show my friends if i see them. It's sooooooooo big and black. So ugly. So obvious!! It'll be so so ugly tmr!! e bruise's at e top of my calf you see.. Arghh... blame myself for being kan cheong during GP lecture and blame Charleston for sitting SOOOO far.. o_o

my happy mood's ruined

Now i finally understand why e song goes...

I love you then i hate you then i love you then i hate you....

sth like tt.

Now i know.. because that's exactly what i'm experiencing now... exactly how i feel now.. this love and hate is separated by merely one fine line.. hopefully i'll manage to fly up and leave tt area... so tt i can neither love nore hate.

Happy Mother's Day -in advance-

Eh... sth random.. i slept for more than 17 hours from 12 am to 5 pm on friday. xD Not bad right!! I think i should participate in some sleeping contest.. surely can win one.. pure talent, don't even need training. Haha.. one day, i'll die sleeping.. =P

Anyway, today's Mother's Day Eve!! I went out to search for mom's present at great world.. also to search for some nice t-shirts/skirts for myself. Hmm.. found some really nice bracelets but they're beyond budget and i only had 50 bucks with me >.<

I'm getting to feel that i'm like a substitute, a nobody actually... erm... it's like, he'll chat with me online, but it gives me the feeling that he's only chatting with me coz nobody's online, or the person he usually chats with is not online. It makes me feel so insignificant. I can just sit there and look at his msn nick, staring right back at me... and i just do nothing but look at it. I don't want to initiate a chat.. I want him to initiate a chat. But well... Things don't always happen the way you want them to. That's life, isn't it?

Sometimes, i do have this feeling that he's avoiding me. But at times when i acted as though i didn't see him at all, he'll say hi! Does it always work like that? This is kinda weird isn't it? He's never there when i want him there, but he's always there when i'm trying to avoid, or ignore him. Is this meant to be life? haha... what a great joke.

Anyway, i'm in quite a good mood =) Haha... happy happy... except for e money i spent on e present >.<

=\

Eh... today's quite a fine day. e only bad thing is that though it's e last day of school, i still have to stay back till quite a late time coz i need to run for my 200 m finals. Sigh... so sad. xD But other than that, nothing really sad happened larz.

Alright.. now for my 200 m finals.. it's a total disappointment. =\ My timing was even slower than my heats arh. Sigh.. i actually ran 34.44 when e previous one was 33.68 (ard there). Ahhhh.... This time round, when i'm approaching e finishing line, i really slowed down. As in.. SLOWED down.. yep. So slow that e person running behind me ran ahead of me a lil. Sigh... so in the end i got 6th place. So sad.. dropped 2 places. Was still hoping to surpass yi zheng. haha.. she ran faster this time. Luckily for her, diana's no longer here to compete, so she can get third. =)

Hmm... quite tired now.

Oh on my way out of school, i saw ian, zek and ben. Haha.. told ben again that i clapped. xD He really very shy shy eh... haha.. heard from zek that after e competition, this guy from TPJC actually went to find ian and told him that he has a nice voice. xD eeeks!! kinda creepy. Freaked him out, of course.. somehow.. according to zek at least. haha.. still happy that we won!! wooo~

My optimistic friend taught me to hope. Sigh... I seriously don't know whether i should hope or not. As i had said some time earlier, if i have expectations, i'll have disappointments. so, haiz... Anyway she taught me to hope coz sth happened today. But that sth is like... quite like nothing larz.. So.. well.. anyway...

this should be my shortest entry in during this period of time. xD OH!!! Mr chu is in a very good mood today!! Sharks! Forgot to thank e 3 of em juz now for making mr chu so happy that he didn't scold us at all. AT ALL!! which is like wow!! haha.. shall tell them if i remember. =P

WE WON!!

I saw him again. But i ignored him. Not sure if he even saw me... but i didn't bother to greet him at all. Oh, well...

anyway, went to watch e symposium (not sure if tt's how you spell it), some econs competition larz.. It's held in VJC and our sch's team is one of e 3 finalists. E other 2 are from Anderson and Yishun. Since there isn't a course today, i went to watch e competition.

Thought that AJC was not bad, but when our school team went up, whooo~ quite confident that they will win. xD AJC's format is like debating... e points are quite clear.. oh ya. all 3 jcs chose e same topic surprisingly, Airbus A380. Our sch team's format is like a talk show... they actually named it incrediblenewsasia. xD With e "Incredibles" logo. Ian was e host, Zek was e rep of SIA (i think.. dun really remember), and Benjamin is an expert (dun really remember this too xD).

SO FUNNY!!! hahaha.. Ian introduced Zek and shook hands with him. HAha.. oops sorry.. reminded of e comical handshake. Anw, so Ian greeted Mr. Chak, and Zek said call me Chaky (chucky xD). So for e whole presentation he's called Chaky. hahaha.. and yesterday, he was e "creepy boyfriend". Oh my.. Started crapping here and there.. Am amazed by how they memorised all e figures.. >.<

Oh.. but some rather embarrassing things happened inside VJC's auditorium. At the end when e results were announced, someone actually shouted, "3 cheers and 3 cheers and 3 cheers for innova..." I was like.. what the.. it's so embarrassing arh.. so malu!! It's like a wrong place to do that thing lorz... After leaving e auditorium, got to know that jason and ming yuan also thought that it's very embarrassing.

Then went for dinner at delifrance with yuan yuan. Chat and chat and chat... Finally came home. =D

Oh.. on my way home, i saw this guy, quite skinny arh.. and from e back, i thought that he looks like my primary school classmate, who stays at my block. Didn't really look at him coz it'll be a bit weird right.. anw i usually dun look at ppl one larz.. Eh.. all e way from e traffic light to e condo, to my block. We're walking e same route. He sorta sped up a lil when we're approaching e gate... i opened e gate and left it open for him to enter.. still didn't see his face. Finally, aft we got into e lift, i saw him. First, i look at e storey he pressed, 13 (that's exactly where my ex-classmate stays)... then i looked at him for a while, he looks like him, but like not leh.. haha.. can't be sure. His build seems like him, but like... i don't know. And he's wearing this unknown uniform. From e back i thought it was SAJC, but in e lift, i saw a school crest at e chest pocket. So it can't be a jc right? That's why i said it's weird. haha.. but i think it is him eh. Hmm... didn't say hi coz i wasn't that sure actually. =P

Somehow, i feel like giving up on him. I think he's basically nice to everyone and that i'm thinking too much larz. So... I might continue to wait and see.. but i guess i won't be expecting much unless he gives me hope again. Hmm.. doubt that'll happen though. Shall avoid him? Shall ignore him? I don't know. Haha.. We'll see about it, when i see him... see my reaction.