Can we cry ourselves dead?

人能够哭死吗？

感觉好笨，好傻。这一切犹如梦境般，

是个美梦，

但梦醒了却连一丝丝的幸福也没从梦中带出来。

这是一场美梦，

也是一场恶梦。

不愉快的一天，从早上开始。其实本来是还蛮不错的，但渐渐地，所有事情都跟我作对。就这样的，直到跟朋友聊天后，才渐渐比较好了。但是，后来又从我同学口中听到一则坏消息。本来我没事的，但在我最后一个人搭车回家时，和在地铁站等雨停时，我开始想那则坏消息。越想越辛苦，但又很难不想。就这样的，我现在并不快乐。

跟某个人谈话时，似乎总会让我感到很伤心，很难过。尤其当我心情差的时候。就像现在一样。他所说的话，总会让我很想哭。这不是他的错，或许是我太情绪化了吧。这或许也是报应吧。

I shall now classify e good things and bad things of e day.

good things:

1. I passed my DRQ for e first time (pls dun laugh at me >.<)
2. i managed to catch my train though i woke up late and showered
3. I ate ice cream at Gelare with frenz after PE =)
4. Drank pearl milk tea too!!
5. Heard something new about him

bad things:

1. Though i managed to catch my train, i forgot to bring my PE T-shirt
2. no one can lend me PE T-shirt.. end up buying my 4th one
3. PE was disgustingly led by a stupid shortie who makes me so >=(
4. I expected sth to happen but it did not
5. Though i heard sth new abt him, it's bad news
6. it rained hard when i planned to go home straight and stone in my room
7. i cried for sth someone said (dun worry, it's not you mel)
8. i actually thought that i should keep everything to myself from now onwards (not sure if i really am gonna do this though)

Come to realise that I shouldn't expect too much. Because when i expect sth to happen, and it doesn't happen. I'll feel disappointed, and sad. That explains why my general mood today isn't tt great. So.. I guess i should expect e worst so that i won't be disappointed.

Life is a vacuum cleaner [ON]

So tired...

Hmm.. quite a few things happened today... regarding him? nah.. very lil things abt him. Basically, Miss chua got agitated in math tutorial again. =P As usual.. coz she's not talking about what i want to know, or what i don't know, i was doing my work. Eh.. she gives me permission to do that k. i'm supposedly her best math student in arts fac xP (erm.. does this mean that she doesn't know me well enough? xD) Charleston got scolded for not listening during tutorial coz he wasn't doing anything, i sorta got praised for nothing coz she thought that i was ahead of them. Erm... maybe i am ahead of em, but i didn't even complete what she had initially wanted us to complete. I was doing qn 6 when she sorta praised me, when we're supposed to complete qn 8 by today.. xD lucky me.. phew..

eh.. e next thing to talk about, sports heats. -_-" eh... what can i say.. nothing surprising except that i actually got into e finals for 200 m. So i'm supposed to run on thurs again? But there's not a high chance of squeezing into top 3 even though diana's gone. Coz there's still that bamboo yi zheng who runs faster than me... >.<

Perhaps it's because it's been quite some time since i last ran/sprint.. so... quite tiring arh.. oh! and aft tt i drank banana strawberry milkshake. and guess what, i got a stomachache right aft i drank it. -_- So i walked so slowly to e MRT station, and slept once i got a seat... woke up to see a dark dark sky outside.. and i thought i missed my somerset already. xD But i was still around amk.. haha.. thought that was quite funny. So i continued sleeping.. (sorry larz.. really tired leh) all e way till i reached novena.. i woke up. My stomachache's gone!! whee! But i was still very tired larz.. so... i walked slowly uphill and downhill.. finally home sweet home!!

Oh.. sth quite stupid happened today. Dunno who started this paper volleyball game during GP in e library's discussion room. It was later brought to e math remedial class, where i stayed coz there's no chinese and i have no where else to go. xD How crazy is that. My friends were still saying perhaps in e near future it will become a cca. hahahaha.. oh did i say my friends? oops.. to clarify, erm.. i dunno them actually. Please dun relate us together. xD

Today's still a happy day though i did see him. eh... perhaps i am starting to move on with my life!! isn't tt great?! Oh.. confirmed sth today.. he doesn't dislike me. I think. Told tt to 2 ppl separately and got e same response. "why will he dislike you?" Haha.. anw, happy day!!

mood = everything

Came to realise that our mood really affects the way we see things.

Was watching pride and prejudice just now, again yes. xD And i felt differently from e previous tiem i watch e movie. Last time, I felt sad through e whole movie though there are some parts that are rather sweet. This time, I felt sweet through e movie though some parts of it are rather sad. xD Perhaps that's because I know that there's this happy ending, so all e sad moments are part of e happiness. =)

This leads me to another topic. Perhaps one of the reasons why we're so afraid when in love is because we don't know what's going to happen next. We fear the unknown. So.. because we don't know e outcome, we don't know what will happen, we become afraid. Guess that's how i feel. It's the unknown. I don't know if he likes me or not. That's the unknown for now. xD But well..

Another thing mentioned in the movie, when lizzy is in a conversation with charlotte. Lizzy claimed that jane does like mr. bingley but charlotte says that jane doesn't show her affection enough (jane's a shy person who often keeps things to herself). Then charlotte said something that really sounds logical. We often need encouragements to continue liking someone. In a way, i'm kinda like waiting for that encouragement to come. It came to me some time ago, or at least i thought it came... but for now, i need more to go on. That's why i'm waiting. But.. to be pessimistic and realistic, I doubt it's gonna come. So... whatever.. i'm not in the mood to feel sad about this matter today. xD Today's quite a crazy day.

Now i'm thinking if i'm happy today because i've gotten over it and am moving on with my life or is it just because I didn't see him at all today. Whichever it is, I'm glad that i'm in quite a good mood today. =) Gives me a break at least.

new idol!!

Hey ppl!!

I've got a new idol!!

He's damn cool. Seriously.. seriously.. i didn't know that he's that famous at first. My bro was e one who introduced e video clip to me... David Elsewhere dancing in kollaboration 2001, which made him famous. He's like... he's like.. a rubber boy!! anw, that's what he's called on e web too. hahaha... he's real good. Do type "david elsewhere" on youtube and watch his dances.. he's totally cool.

Had been searching for nice videos today.. oh ya.. type "christmas lights gone wild" too. Once again, i watched that with my brother. haha.. oh oh oh ... and i watched this jap show for kids... pythagoras switch.. then there's this dance. At first it was quite boring and stupid.. but after that.. they danced e same dance, this time round with a group of ninjas behind.. in a line. It's kinda funny watching a group of them dance that in a line. I started laughing when they danced... xD

Basically today's quite a mad day.

Oh.. and i finally gone back for dance practice.

No idea why.. but i'm not in my sad sad mode today!! =D Perhaps it's because i don't see him today!! Weee~ Hmm... but i did think about him once or twice during dance practice... ya.. but just thought about him lorz.. nothing much.. Dance needs concentration, so i can't think much when i have to dance. Btw, i had e time to think of him because my teacher is busy correcting someone's position. Ya...

Otherwise, i'm happy today!! mad day.. but i didn't do my homework.. which is bad.. =P well.. tmr is another day of mugging up in GWC's mcs with piggy. xD try finding me there..

I'm tired

What? Did i promise myself to stop thinking and stop writing so much about it? Well, I guess it's just so hard to carry out what i've promised myself. It's just so hard. It's been a painful day, because while i'm trying not to think about him, i kept seeing him around, again and again. If i called what had happened before as fate, then i guess we're only fated to be friends and nothing more. It's just a coincidence that we pass each other so many times. It's just coincidence. Nothing but coincidence.

虽然我一直看到他，但我不敢正眼看他。就知道他在那里，就知道我们擦肩而过，赶快离开就对了。原来，喜欢上一个人是那么痛苦的。这是必经的路程吗？为什么会那么难过呢？本来，一整天那样下去很完美的，怎么知道，又再一次的见到他。见到他的那一刻，我整颗心都沉了下去。为什么连一天的平静也不给我呢？不知道为什么，今天我就是不想见到他，却一直见到他。见到他也就算了，他竟然还跟我说话。实在是。。。

原来，我画画的时候，也是会想事情的。但是，我可以边想事情，边画画，因为画画是个人的事情，没有什么标准答案，不需要多加思考，想画什么就画什么。今天，第一次在图书馆的时候，很想写些东西，但我不是一个人，所以不方便。第二次在图书馆，我开始画画了，想打发时间，不想让我有空闲的时候，不想想他。一切都没怎样，但我朋友突然问了我一句 “最近如何？”，边有启动了一切不该启动的。我又开始想事情了。

在等待课外活动开始的那段空档，我又开始画画了。画着，画着，心里仍然想着那一件事。就这样，越画越伤心，眼泪也差一点流出来。也许，画画也带给我某些回忆吧。

I'm tired. Tired of many many things. Well, i haven't been sleeping well lately, not totally because of him, don't worry. The condition is not that bad... yet. I'm tired of studying, tired of thinking about him all this while when i know that it's pointless. Tired of waiting for him to come online, when again i know that it's pointless. Tired of waiting for him to come and say hi. Tired of waiting for him to initiate a chat online. Tired of being so busy with so many things to do. Tired of promising myself to go for dance practice when I always end up not going because I just feel so tired!

Yesterday, i said that it's just a short period of overwhelming sadness. Now i'm starting to think that perhaps the calmness before was just a short period of calmness amidst a long term sadness. So... I guess I really have to learn to cope with this sadness, and learn to live with it. Though i try to close my eyes tight, I will still open them every now and then to take a look at the tiny flickering flame, that is getting smaller and smaller each day. Sometimes, i would rather console myself with "Perhaps he's just too busy. That's why he's not been taking any actions"

Read my friend's blog with regards to my blog. Haha... well, i have to say that through this incident, i've learnt that i have true friends around me, who are really concerned about me. As for what geok has to say in his blog, I actually don't really have anything to say. My friend asked me if i'm the kind of person who needs to be in a relationship. I thought for a moment and told her that I think I'm the independent kind, who can live without being in a relationship. Well, I still think i am the independent creature I thought i am, but i also know that it takes time to forget, and move on with life.

Perhaps he's just not careful with his words. Perhaps he's used the wrong words unconsciously. Perhaps he doesn't mean what i thought he meant. Perhaps nothing's what it seems to be. Perhaps I don't really like him in the first place. Haha.. the last one is so 自欺欺人.

Of course, i have other things to talk about, like my school work. =S I really need to catch up with my studies. Didn't study for econs test today, so i can't expect to pass. It's an essay test, not MCQ you see.. sigh... Why am i not hardworking, determined, or at the very least, be bornt with ultra high quality brain? Then i can live my life slacking yet scoring. Guess life just can't be so perfect.

I miss him, but at the same time, i don't want to see him. You understand how i feel? haha... I don't know what i'm thinking actually. I'm hungry. Talk about being random. But i am really hungry. Had wanted to eat chips, but thought that they should be back home soon. Well, guess i'm wrong. Sigh... FOOD!!!

empty promises

promised myself not to think so much, but i broke the promise. My eyes will still automatically go in search of him when i pass that place. I can't help it.

Had a sharing session with mel today. Happy to hear that she felt a lil better after talking to me, though it's just a little better. =) As for me, frankly, i don't feel any better after sharing. But don't worry, I'm quite alright to begin with, so i'm still quite fine. Don't worry about me. I'm still strong enough to move on with my life. After calming myself down and think through all again, I feel much better already. So... though I still feel sad, it's not as bad as before.

The hope he had given me is like a tiny flame flickering in the dark with the wind threatening to destroy the tiny bit of hope i have with me. The tiny flame is still surviving though there is no additional oxygen given to it, because it is still living on the great impact from before. The tiny flame will soon be dead unless oxygen is provided. I feel like letting the wind kill the tiny flame, but my hands just automatically block the flame from the wind, protecting it. I'm living in a world of contradictory.

Sometimes, just the look of you hurts. You're so near, yet so far. Sometimes, I long to see you. And when i see you, I feel both happiness and pain inside me, twisting and turning, causing even more pain.

最远的距离，是我在你身边，但你不知道我爱你。

Although it's not that deep yet, but well... i guess this phrase somehow explains why i'm feeling so much pain inside me. But it's more than that. So what if you know that i like you? Perhaps you've already guessed it. It just seems like you're avoiding me, somehow. I don't know why. It just seems like it. Even if you know that I like you, doubt you'll return the little bit of love.

Currently, i'm in the phase of moving on with my life, while i still think of him at times. I know that i can't waste my time on him, since there's not much chance of getting what i want, so I guess i really need to move on with life. I'm on my way already. =) Guess i have to live with the sadness and carry on with my life. Occasionally, the sadness will be overwhelming, but it doesn't happen all the time, so i guess it's quite alright. I'll get used to the sadness, and one day, i won't even remember that it's there.

This is one of the occasional overwhelming sadness. Will i still be this sad 20 days later? I really hope to have a happy birthday. GP paper is no longer on that day, so is that worth celebrating? But well, just that is definitely not enough to make my birthday happy. Guess there's nothing i can do about it. Like what i've said, i just have to move on with my life. Overwhelming sadness... overwhelming... the tears... rolling down... but the sadness stays, taking a longer time to be gone.

Though the few of you said that there is hope, i just can't seem to see it. In fact, it seems like we're getting further apart. Perhaps he's busy with his stuff, perhaps he's not that interested in me as I thought, perhaps he's already avoiding me, perhaps he just thinks that i'm a nuisance. Perhaps.. perhaps.... perhaps it's all but a dream. How relieved i'll be if it is just a dream, someone just have to wake me up!

While i'm feeling sad over this, I'm wondering if i've lost a friend. Something to be definite, we will never be as close as before anymore, and will be even more awkward, i suppose. I've stopped saying sorry, because i know it doesn't help. Just a few words for you, who used to care so much about me...

please take good care of yourself.

Pathetic

Went to school late today :P I'm too tired larz... first ever time that i actually fall asleep while playing.. Shows how tired i am.. that's why i went to bed straight after e game. xD

Ehh... I hope that with this entry, I shall put an end to e thread of troubled entries.. Well, many reasons why I think i should stop talking about it here. Since most of e part is sad, if i go on talking about him, all of you will think that i am so so so so sad... like i'm going to commit suicide any time xD. Dun worry... it's not tt serious.. yet. xD hahaha... eh.. next, I'm quite restricted here eh.. cannot say too much while expressing my feelings.. Why? Just dun wanna let anyone know who it is (except for those who already know) just in case you all know tt person i'm talking abt. =P Quite unlikely. Actually, very unlikely.. but well, playing safe. xD Anyway, if i'm gonna continue talking about him, i guess all my entries will be sad, because there really isn't any progress at all. Instead, i think it might be going the other way... or it might be stagnant. Sigh... I'll just have to wait.

Eh... quite tight these days. Take today for example, i have to attend 3D studio max 8 course, and half way through e course have to leave for 100 m heats (results: 6th position, didn't get in finals). So well... I still have to continue going for heats, still got 200 m. Then on sports day itself, there's e relay. Eh... of course, it's more than tt larz. xD I still have to join this computron competition.. deadline's 12 may!! oh my goodness!! I don't even have any idea what i'm gonna do abt it!! Actually, i have larz.. but nv really research or sketch and all... sigh... how? how? how? Some more Mr. Lee still ask me to join e creative writing too!! Creative writing?! CREATIVE WRITING?!?! ok ok.. let me get this clear.. first, i'm not creative. second, i don't write well!!! ahhhhhhhhhhh~

Like.. help~~ help!!! haha...

mel talked about her weird dream. Well, actually i had this weird dream too. It was either before or during camp. I dreamt about camp. Dreamt that Mr geok and freddo actually were sitting in e canteen, eating and chatting, while we were having games. *boing* xD hahaha... what a dream.. I can only say that i was shocked to see them in e dream.

I am testing colours here

Testing one two three

testing one two three

waiting

now that i've learnt how painful it is to wait, i really want to apologise. You've been waiting for me all these while, and i didn't realise how much it hurts. Now i know.

After telling my friends, they concluded that he must be at least a little interested in me. But, the hope he gives me is like a balloon. Sometimes, he'll refill it with helium, but sometimes, he doesn't do that. So the balloon floats and deflates and floats and deflates.

whatever

I want a precise answer, at least something more obvious. I know that i like you. But i don't know if you do like me. I guess that you like me, my friends think that you like me, but in what way we have no idea at all!! That's the problem. Sigh...

I actually got happier on that sad and moody day after talking to you. That's how affected I am. That's how much you can influence me. I now stone in class because i'm thinking of you. Because i'm troubling over tt matter. That's how useless i am.

I imagine the same scene happening to you. You asking your friends for opinions, asking them if it seems like i'm at least a lil interested in you. But they are only imaginations, I hope that they are more, but i'm realistic. Some things can only live in dreams. This is one of the things.

I need some proper encouragement from you... so that I can go on. So that i'll know that i'm not wrong, know that i'm blessed. But these encouragements don't come. I don't know why, but i have this feeling that you're somehow avoiding me a little. In another way, it's like you're being shy. Someone said that perhaps it's because of my coldness in treating people in general sometimes, that discourages you from talking to me.

This is like the darkest chocolate. I can only tasted the bitter part now... the sweetness comes and goes, and it's so little. Though it might seem insignificant, but due to e contrast, they do seem very sweet. And i mean, VERY sweet.

It's so painful to wait for you to come online... especially when in the end, you actually don't come online.. Like now... I long to talk to you, but i fear doing so. I really feel like asking you, but it's too great a cost, losing a friendship. i'm not confident enough to ask you. This is a different situation from before. You are different from tt previous guy, in many ways. But i doubt you'll read this anyway.

My friends suggested hinting, which i did. But i received no response. It just seems like you're indifferent. Can you like be more obvious?

more than juz crazy...

Today's a mad day. I slept for 16 hours, in the living room, with the fan on, with the lights off, with no blankets, still wearing my specs, and my hairband. That's how i ended up with new mosquito bites.

So when i woke up, it's already 4 pm. For the rest of the day, I felt like doing nothing. Was surprised that i'm not hungry. But thought that i should bite something at the very least. Showered, and felt like watching pride and prejudice again.

So i did.

Don't know why, but it's pointless to do work anyway, since i can't concentrate, and i don't feel like doing work. Cried while watching, no surprise. It's touching. But this time it's more than just touching.

What beautiful eyes keira knightley has.

What beautiful eyes matthew macfadyen has.

Suddenly, i'm in love with "pride and prejudice" again. Suddenly, i'm in love with maksim's pieces again.

Suddenly, i recalled how sad "somewhere in time" can be. Realised that "leeloo's tune" can be very sad too. Learnt that everything seems sad when one is sad. Even if you know that it is happy, you feel sad deep inside you. That's how sad it is. Once again, i've become the moody soul inside this shell.

Sometimes, I don't know whether i should be sad or glad. I feel both feelings inside me. But i can also feel that the sadness is overpowering, so powerful that it can totally cover the gladness. That's how sad i am. That's how sad it is.

Tears have become a routine, not because of him, not because of you. It's just me. and perhaps the monthly one. Sadness can make me so quiet. So quiet that you can't recognise me at all. So quiet that you would've thought of me as a stranger, or wouldn't even notice me at all. That's how sad it is.

maksim's music really suit me now. I don't know why. Even if you listen to his music, you won't know how i feel. Because when a person is sad, everything is sad. Unless you have my sadness in you, don't even try finding it out, or trying it out.

no one to talk to, because i am not willing to talk to anyone. There used to be someone, but it's no longer apt to tell that someone. For the rest of you, it's just not suitable. Perhaps I just want to keep it to myself. No one knows, because i don't want anyone to know.

Thousands of question inside, but the cost of asking is too great. I'd rather not know the answers than to take the risk.

There's so much to say, so much that i don't know what to say. So much inside me that i no longer know what they are. So much came out that i don't know what i've lost. So many things happening that i don't know who i am anymore. In the first place, have i ever known myself at all?

Just for this certain matter, I've learnt so much and lost so much. What a sad and confusing post this is. Not forgetting random. I'm more than just crazy. More than just sad.

我不知道。。。我真的不知道

刚从学校回来，洗澡后，便到世界城去了。

本来以为我还蛮有精神的。怎么知道，到了以后，读了一些东西便开始点头了。我无法专心地做作业。

很难专心。

除此之外，另外一个很大很大的原因是。。。

我一直在想，一直都在想。。。

想他。

回家的路上，突然想起了梁静茹的那首《对不起我爱你》。想一想歌词，当中说的一些部分，不就是我吗？

“喝水想着你，搭车想着你，合眼闭眼间，出现的全是你”

“读书想着你，听歌想着你，大地和蓝天，出现的全是你”

回到家以后，好想唱唱这首歌。刚才，我便随着音乐，跟着唱。怎么知道，歌词打到了我内心深处。。。

眼泪，涌出。

有好多东西我想说，在这里说，但实在是不方便。

在这么一个关键时刻，我竟然被他打败了。我必须专心一点。

“不要在想了！”

我告诉自己。

不要在想了。。。

对不起，我做不到。

眉毛，皱。

眼中的悲伤，你们看得到吗？

虽然发生了一些让我感到甜蜜的事，但是在希望刚出现的时候，便马上又消失了。

好像有希望了。啊！我猜错了。咦？可能有一点点地希望！算了，我想我真地会错意了。

就这样的，没完没了。

心里有好多的感触。

原来，这就叫做“痛”。

我懂了。

我懂了吗？

对不起，我爱你 （歌词）

没别的只想说对不起
对不起我真的爱你
不管你会怎么想你怎么说
也不会改变我的决定
你知道有时候感情事很难说
很难说爱人或朋友
从前到现在我真的感觉要
一想你我的心就发烧

想给你听我的心跳
想你知道我睡的不好
喝水想着你 搭车想着你
合眼闭眼间出现的全是你
我猜不到你的表情
我等不到你的回应
不想难为你又不想放弃你
决定告诉你
对不起对不起我爱你

没别的只想说对不起
怎么样我都会珍惜
不管你会怎么讲 你怎么做
也不会影响我的心情
你知道有时候男孩更难捉摸
难捉摸爱人或朋友
现在到永远我真会感觉要
一想你我的心就狂跳

我的模样记不记得牢
情人卡有没有收到
读书想着你听歌想着你
大地和蓝天出现的全是你
我才不管你的表情
我才不理你回不回应
不想难为你又不想放弃你
决定告诉你
对不起对不起我爱你

你听一听我的心跳
你看一看我睡的不好
喝水想着你 搭车想着你
合眼闭眼间出现的全是你
我猜不到你的表情
我等不到你的回应
不想难为你又不想放弃你
决定告诉你
对不起对不起我爱你

梁静茹?对不起！我爱你

green polo tee day!!

Today's green polo-T day!! xD

went out with piggy to buy a new pair of specs since my current specs's not much of use now. can't see clearly. Blur images. =P

Next we went to gwc. =D as usual. we went separate ways once we reached e building coz i wanna go to e washroom and she needs to go to e bank. So... i went off to macs on my own, walked past e open space, thought i heard a guy calling me (but who do i know hangs out there?) which i concluded as i've misheard. yeah.. no seats for us at e usual cosy corner, so i have to choose some other seats. Was waiting for piggy to reach, when i saw a big big bright lime green shirt with longs. Didn't look up at first, though that person was facing me. Just thought that he was looking for seats or trying to chase me away. =P So i ignored him. haha... dao as usual. Then he tapped e table, which made me look up. Got a shock of my life!! Haha... it's my IJ friend! No wonder i heard someone calling me. xD so it wasn't my imagination. =P As for why he's there, i have no idea at all. haha.. though he tried explaining, i only managed to catch "GV". So i assume that it's some movie trip?

Quite funny. Coz i know that he doesn't stay around that area (well most ppl in IJ don't -_-), i asked him what is he doing there? Aft he told me e GV things (which i still haven't figured out what xD), he asked me what am i doing there? hahaha... well, that's an easy question to answer. I live around that area, and i go down there almost every sunday. I've been hanging out there since... sec 3 =D when i met piggy and know that she lives around tt area. We ended up always going there aft school to do hw and eat and chat... read comics... nap. xD

Haha... it's green polo tee day! I'm wearing my fav green polo tee. I'm not the only one in green polo tee. I saw a bunch of people in green polo tee at gwc. Eh... blend in with e crowd arh. xD oh ya... my friend was wearing a lime green polo tee too, if i'm right. =S so bright arh, his shirt...

ouch, my eyes. xD

Eh... finally gotta know that han jin still remembers me. xD saw her while i was on my way to GP class on thurs. Saw her with her usual friend, and caught her staring at me. I stared back, and smiled. Hahaha.. she walked to me and grabbed my arm, telling me that she kept thinking if i was from crescent xD. muahaha... coz of my haircut, she couldn't recognise me xD Eh... wonder what house she's in now. Hope that she's in taurus too xD then can help us earn A LOT of points xD.

Though apologies don't work, I would still like to say that i'm sorry. Bash me up if you want.

ermm.. sorry?

I think i hurt someone yesterday... you might have guessed it right.. it's you.. yeah you... are you still... you haven't gotten over it yet? Maybe i'm just being over sensitive, but that's e impression i have from your responses last night... If i did hurt you, I apologise for i didn't mean to do that. I had assumed that you had gotten over it and will not feel anything much from listening to what i've got to say. Perhaps i'm wrong in whichever part i've mentioned above, but well... still... sorry.

Sorry seems to be the hardest word? but that's only for people who meant what they say when they apologise. They are sorry. But for now... it just seems like we say tt too often such that it no longer has its original effects.

Still.. sorry.

Com crash =(

Well, my com crash aft my net's back. How sad is that... once again, i'm back to using com in e sch library. So pathetic... sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh... come, come... who wants to fix my com? =) for free? =) =) haha.. fine.. i'll pay 50 cents if you insist xD i suspect it's a virus.. but e com's daddy (my kor kor) is not at home to give permission to take it to a doctor. It might be just a minor flu which its daddy can solve in no time. Of course, that is if he's in singapore... boo hoo... when i thought that i can finally have the com to myself... it went bonkers.. i think it misses its daddy... come back kor kor!!! come back and fix the com then go back to brunei for your ns stuff!!

what a bad sis i am.. well, i'm not just that. I'm a bad friend, a bad student, a bad daughter... a good slacker though =) hahaha.. i'm very pro at tt.. i can teach you ^^

Well, NMA has a new project again... and the theme is "clash of the titans". What is my idea?

::Blank::

I have no idea at all to what i should do!!! can you ppl give me ideas?? Anw, feel so sad tt no one visits my blog as often now... sigh... Oh and finally i can get my mad drawings scanned!! coz zek wants to scan it.. haha... yay yay yay... hooray!! so tmr, which is a wednesday, a CCA day.. i'm gonna scan my mad drawings!!! whoa!! maybe can post here.. haha.. it's too big for this blog... your eyes will rot.. But Swee Sien said that there's no cca tmr coz e J1s are having their OAC. -_-... he said that he'll be there though... zek too. now i'm thinking if i should stay back with them to research since my com crash =( my com crash... com crash.... com crash.... my GB..... no more GB for me....... =( ......

T-T

anw.. got back my Pw results of course... disgrace... i got a band 3!! actually, it's kinda expected arh... since i didn't really put in effort. Well, it's quite scary because I think that it's sorta a reflection of what kind of grades we will be getting for our 'A's... But the problem with me is that though i know that i have to work extremely hard -- since i'm not one of e smart kids with high quality brains and photographic memory -- i still don't put in enough effort. I need someone scary to push me into doing it. >.<>

Seriously gotta go for dance practice le... coz i've been missing dance practice for 3 consecutive weeks!! I need to go to e studio earlier to refresh my memory so that i won't be a nuisance... oh no... come to think of it, i better do stretchings... i'm getting stiff for not practising. who wants to stretch with me? I'll break your bones... muahaha... and mine too.. >.<

about yesterday...

Don't feel like talking much today... juz tt i didn't do anything yesterday coz i was too tired. Slept from evening onwards... missed my da chang jing =( didn't even shower, or remove my lenses. Didn't wash clothes, hang clothes also.. so today got a lot of work. Sigh... Anw, finally got back all my papers yesterday. Hmm... Not very nice, but well...

Here are my results (roughly):

GP(only essay) - 27.5/50

[better than i expected]

CL A - should be a B bah...

Math - definitely an F

[if CA's not counted]

Econs - F/AO

[depends on calculation]

so in the end i only passed the 2 languages... sad case...

had promised myself to do hw from the time i reach home till 10 pm when i watch da chang jing, but well, now i feel like playing GB, so i shall go play GB and do math later lorz...

ate dinner on my own today.. lonely day...

many many things...

。。。迷失。。。

在人群中迷失

在内心里迷失

在家里迷失

在无人的世界里也感到迷失

。。。 。。。 。。。

我讨厌这种茫然，但要如何才能找回方向，找回斗志呢？谁来引导我呢？

was watching 娱乐百分百 just now, and it's the singing competition thing. The theme was 周华建 . 2 of the contestants are the twins 2 moro. Well, i was expecting some not very good singing and when they were singing for the competition, it's almost as i expected, except tt one of them sang better. So my impression changed a little. But what really changed my impression of their singing is when they had their 加分表演. Both did imitations of other singers. One imitated Aaron Kwok, which was quite good, the younger one imitated 张学友, which was quite good. xD Both of them were quite funny when they were performing. Both received comments from the judges that they look very nice on the screen. Well, for that i have nothing to say since they are indeed blessed with good looks. Too bad they're not tall, or it'll be perfect. =)

overslept and woke up only at 10 plus. so i decided not to go to school after consulting yuan yuan. Anyway there's nothing much on tuesday for me since i don't take hist/geog. Just that I have to do a make up session for pe. sigh... oh, and there's no one to write a letter for me. Was thinking of writing a letter and ask my uncle to sign. But well, I haven't written e letter yet and he's not home. Oh, well.. shall just tell Miss Chua that i forgot to bring the letter.

Days had passed since my parents had gone to china, and i haven't been able to keep up with the schedule. First, of course, I failed to wake up every day for school. One day down, that 's not good. Second, though about 5 days had passed, I haven't been warming the car engine as my dad had asked me to do. This is really really bad. Third, I also did not water the plants every day, though my mum said that i have to water the plants even if it rains. Hmm...

Really lost these days... Feel aimless. I need to get back the momentum lost since chinese new year. There are many things waiting for me to do, but I just don't have the drive? That's what fred says about my current situation.

Oh.. back to 2moro... there's sth about them that's so cool!! something tt happened in e show. Because the elder brother said that he's nervous singing like that, the younger one asked him to look at him when he sings, which he did. So the hosts were like "why are you looking at your brother with so much feelings?" you know.. tt weird weird way. hahaha... one of the judges, even though he didn't know that the elder bro was looking at e younger one, he just sorta felt sth and automatically turned to look at the younger one. He said tt he felt some kind of power, strength, whatever you call tt. And when it was the younger bro singing... when he was singing his last sentence, he smiled. The elder one said tt he must be smiling because he was thinking about him being the only one till then who did not forget his lyrics. And guess what, that's exactly what the younger one was thinking about!!! Talk about telepathy!! WOW!! so cool...

Oh.. and Kinia's coming back this sunday =) so we'll be meeting lorz.. at great world =D

雨天

慢慢的，我开始感觉到那份恐惧。

它渐渐地靠近，但我却无路可逃。

我不能逃，我必须面对！

但是。。。

有些时候，要面对那份恐惧并不是件简单的事。

我很想逃，但我不能逃。

我很想逃，但我无处可逃。

我逃不掉，我躲不了。

为了走这条路，我也只能悲伤的承受一切。

再怎么不愿意，我都得撑着。。。

******************************************

有些事，开始了便很难结束。

或许你会说，“爱”便是如此。

我想说的是，

当你开始不信任人之后，

你就很难停止这感觉。。。

好像所有人都无法信任。

***

重新信任人很难，

但我会尝试。

只不过，

如果我又失败了，

要相信别人，便会更难了。

***

心事，我会说出来。

但是有些东西却永远都是我的秘密。

比如，

当我喜欢一个人的时候，

没有人会知道的。

因为我从不说出口。

我曾经被一个好朋友骗过，

感觉好像被出卖了。

也许，

就是从那时候开始的吧。

****************************************

今天，

雨下得很大。

真得很大。

矛盾

不知道为什么，总觉得生活里缺少了什么。

在人群中会觉得茫然，单独一人又觉得孤单。

人，真的很矛盾。

是因为我们不懂得满足吗？

是因为我们不懂得珍惜吗？

关于人的问题，都没有标准答案。

总之。。。

人，真的很矛盾。

真的。

finally changed my blogskin

Yay... i finally changed my blogskin =)
to sth so cute!! love at first sight, you call this sort of thing. xD

so happy...

but.. i woke up late today when i was supposed to go for dance =( so in e end i didn't go. so sad... then i've been using the com all the way till now. Not bad right.. haiz.. i planned to do econs today and math tmr, by this rate, how am i gonna do my work properly? and i juz realised tt i haven't hang e clothes in e washing machine to dry yet.

Haiz~

hopefully it won't rain tmr. sun, pls shine as bright as you can.

It's been such a long time since i can use net at home. perhaps tt's why i'm using it so much now. Of course tt's only part of the reason why.

my papa and mama went to china, for 10 days... so there's, let's see.. there's about 8 more days to go? oh well... don't be surprised if i'm late for school for the whole week. that will make a record i guess. xD oh and my kor kor went to brunei for commando training, 3 weeks... muahaha...

eh.. ppl, nothing.

some time back, i had been overstressed. and now i'm slacking like nobody's business. Whoa... that's bad. I'm having too good a time. That's bad bad bad...

slap me awake!! someone!! quick!!

i feel like going shopping. buying some girl stuffs. =)
but
i dun have the financial support required to do so.
=(

i can grab my kor kor's card and spend his money since he insists that i use his money and not ask from my uncle if anything happens xD i'm not tt bad to do that of course. i mean, not tt bad YET. xD

oh well, any one of you who would like to sponsor me, pls contact me =D please.. DO contact me ya...

well, think i'll hang e clothes later, then do econs... i'm feeling sleepy already.. look at the time! oh my.. i didn't eat a lot today. think i'll suffer from malnutrition. I'M GONNA DIE!!!

-_-

well... anw, i love tt little thing there.

I'm back! For real!!!

hooray!! hooray!! i'm finally back!!! muahahahaha... feel like changing my blogskin. shall do it one day. =)

27 feb 06

Eh... i just went to take a look at e students' well-being board, and realised tt i just missed e 2nd SSS (self-study session -- which is actually detention larz..). It's like so what the miaow larz.. I looked at it on thurday and realised tt i missed e wed session, but they didn't post anything abt fri's session larz.. It's not my fault ok.. so pissed off.. argh.. then now i might have to go for 4 sessions coz i missed e 2 sessions without giving them a proper excuse.. lame-O... lakherkladjfalsdkj fklajsdkfl jkla so angry.. SO ANGRY!! hmpH!

Hmm.. hahaha.. this weekend was damn fun, though feel a little sorry abt what happened to fel, but well.. it's still quite fun larz.. =P

Basically saturday was MJ's (xD tt justin say one mah.. MJ = Marcus and Justin) competition.. so went to support lorz.. So disappointing!! not that their performance is disappointing, it's the judging that's disappointing larz.. =( thought tt justin will make it to e grand finals.. he got kicked out.. and tt shanghai tan guy sang so well arh... stupid judges.. thought tt MJ will sail through to grand finals too.. got kicked out again.. -_- so sad..... how can this happen?? how?? i can't believe it!! and guess what.. it's a lil funny, this one.. the emcees were talking to MJ aft e show then e girl congratulated them, thinking that they got into e finals. xD They made her realised tt they didn't get through. I like e 2 emcees, quite nice =) still, the judging sux to e core..

went eating and playing after tt, and seriously... if you need some laughter, you just need to get 3 ppl together, marcus, jia hao, and fel. Actually, with the first 2, it'll be enough already.. but with the third one joining, it'll be hell lot of laughter.. your stomach might burst from laughing. xD Was walking home from the bus stop after dance on sunday, suddenly thought of what happened on sat when they were playing pool.. e "stripes" and e "ball"... couldn't help but laugh, to myself.. haha.. managed to keep myself quiet before anyone thinks tt i'm mad. xD Fred wasn't there.. is that fortunate or is that unfortunate? xD i think fel's opinions might oppose that of e trio.

Sunday was quite a serious day at first.. because we were all studying.. gradually, e madness in marcus and jia hao uncovered bit by bit... xD jia hao ate chicken rice for dinner. Nothing exciting about this? Well, read on. His portion = my lunch + dinner. At times, it can last me for the whole day. TeoMonster arh TeoMonster.. xD just think of you arh.. i feel like laughing in the library le arh... no no.. i can't.. i can't be deemed as mad.. no.. relax.. breathe in, breathe out... hoooo.... ok, back to norm. oh no i'm going to have to stop myself from laughing again coz i'm about to type sth tt's so funny.

Jia Hao, with $1 left and wondering what to play since the para para machines are occupied. Marcus, at his mad mode. Gk and I, audience. xD

Marcus helped Jia Hao made a decision and chose the dancing machine, whatever you call tt, for Jia Hao to spend his $1. After choosing the song, Jia Hao decided to challenge himself with "trick". As the game starts, marcus ran away to hide and laugh, and pretend tt he doesn't know JH. When he finally decided to reveal himself, after a really short while, the screen displayed "Failed", followed by "Game Over". xD And nothing else we can do but to go HAHAHAHAHAHAHA... oops... Jia Hao is really a funny guy larz... natural comedian. Dun even need to talk can make ppl laugh le.. natural talent.. xD

Plan for Hols (hey ppl can quickly confirm your time table so tt we can plan when to play and study. ahem..) :

1. study.. of course.
2. ice skating!!! so long nv skate le.. i want!!! e ice hockey so cool!
3. k box AH!!! muz pull justin along.. haha.. then we juz go for MJ concert. =P
4. i'll think about it.. >.<

muz contact k.. muz arh!! so long nv play and sing with you bunch of monkeys le.. xD

still in school

Of course, as usual i'm using the school com. It's yet another free period, first one of the day though. I have free periods every day!! coz they now have history/geography lessons every day.. so sad.. have to stay back all because chinese A's always e last period.. haiz.. sianz..

Today's not a good day because i woke up late.. and was late for school (duh.. not surprising at all, isn't it?). Stepped in my dad's car and realised tt i didn't bring my phone along!! ARghH~ so sad.. so sad.. but well, lucky today's an early day.. can go home earlier to sleep and all... =) Oh! and lucky miss lim didn't say have to do economics review, coz i was late for lecture since i was late for school.. haha.. phew~ =P

A lot of work supposed to be handed in today, case study 1, math tutorial 25B, GP compre yadda yadda.. and guess what? i didn't do them!! e math can heck larz.. if she doesn't want to mark it, so be it.. doesn't affect me as long as i complete them at my own time.. =P so bad.. but so true.. but well, i really am very tired what.. not really able to do them lorz.. then yesterday i reached home at 8pm ++ , and and and.. my mama brought us to this shanghai restaurant to eat xiao long bao and la mian for dinner. so i reached home at abt 10? ya.. aft shower, so late le.. did hw until i ended up sleeping.. too bad.. too bad.. too bad! xD haha..

Am still considering if i should stay back today to do my work.. hmm.. i still have to find e dance teacher i/c to tell her tt i wanna quit dance and join New Media Arts so that i can build up my portfolio for ADM admission =) wonder if she's free.. AH~~ i never bring my phone.. cannot message her =.= haiz...

What happened these few days??

Last night was a WOW night.. happening arh.. haiz.. stayed in school till 10 pm with fellow CL A ppl juz to hang the lanterns. Yi Zheng and i were having marathon too. Took a cab to causeway point, ran to popular only to find out tt they dun have what we want. Ran down to cold storage and found our materials. Ran to macs to buy food to eat since i was so hungry tt i felt like puking and the bamboo's feeling the hunger too. Ran to the taxi stand and took a cab back to school. Then, we started hanging the lanterns, fishing and all.. tired tired.. and very sian. We have so much work to do, as in homework, but well, too bad larz.. Miss Chua can't say anything since we're so involved in the chinese new year. Anw she doesn't really pay too much attention to me one larz, as long as i do well for my tests. =( later still got GP test leh.. so sad.

Today's another long day. Even more of the decorations, and we have to walk along with the judges to judge the classrooms, the lanterns, the class objects and all. Well, well, well..... hmm... if we're free still have to replace e guys and do some backstage stuff since they'll be hanging more lanterns. You see, they said tt it's not nice for us girls to climb up the stairs, esp when we're wearing skirts. Forgot to bring PE shirt today, but in fact, i remembered, just that I was rushing. Stupid Gerald larz.. ask me to come early today to do announcements, then in e end eileen's replacing me. I could have stayed on my bed for a longer time. =.= very tired leh.. ahhhh~

Hmm.. I got caught by the male VP, for wearing coloured socks. Well, i can't say anything since i'm wearing red socks. But, why must we wear white socks? isn't that like secondary schools? And we're supposed to be in JC, we're innova. We're supposed to be different from others! stupid school rules. Our human rights are violated as we are not given the choice to choose what socks to wear. Isn't shoes enough? socks?! Bah.. And guess what, he claimed that he had seen me and warned me personally before. Liar! Since when did he warn me? i told him that he had not warned me before and he continued, saying that he remembers my face. Like hello, am i supposed to be the one lying? what's all that about trust? Of course i stood for myself and said that i'm speaking the truth, seriously. and you know what he said? "oh maybe i remembered wrongly since there are so many students." if you can't remember, then don't even mention it! You're embarrassing yourself for the cat's sake! Right after that, he actually said tt my skirt is too short! My friends were shocked when i told them that. And i mean SHOCKED!! My skirt, short? My skirt length should be considered normal. Sorry to say this but due to the fact that i'm a little pissed off,

STUPID OLD MAN!!

well, i said sorry already. >=(

I'm not happy about this. I mean seriously, why is it that we must have white socks? That's so old-fashioned. They're preparing us for the University, why don't they give us more freedom, more choices? If you talk about Unity, what about diversity? you mean we're only different because of our colour? can't we express ourselves through the different shoes and socks we wear? Can't we wear different colours to show our different moods? White is what, purity? Ok, ok.. perhaps it is purity. But are we supposed to be angelic all day long? Are they mad or what? I mean, even SAJC is lax about this school rule. Our school talks about diversity, and what are we doing here with white socks? We're just following the trends of "must-haves" in schools. Anyway, as we look like secondary school students with our school uniforms, can't they at least give us the freedom to wear coloured shoes and socks just to let the public know that we're from JC and not from secondary schools? You know, our school is not really famous, like RJC or so, so can they at least let us make ourselves known as JC students? then the public will wonder which "JC" we're from instead of which "secondary school" we're from. Won't the public then wonder which JC this is, and gradually find out about our college?

We're already so controlled in terms of academics, can't we enjoy more freedom in our attire? Uniforms are enough to deliver the message of unity, and we also have to wear a specific type of shoes. You mean all these are insufficient? Perhaps we should then introduce standard hairstyles and bags, and wallets, stationary, hairbands, clips, spectacles. Standard way of walking and talking. MADNESS!!!

Can someone please tell me why we're supposed to wear white socks? hmm? hmm? hmm? stupid school rule.

I'm back!

Hello!!!!!! I'm back to blog.. but i can't blog too much since i'm in school using e library's com and i only have abt 15 mins... haiz... I'm back but my com's net's not. =( Pls.. fred, pls stop telling me tt you're playing neopets, deliberately!!! >=( dun friend you le.. hmph!

I'm really very sad about my com but my days are getting better =)

Well, i cleaned up my room here and there, not finished yet though. I threw away a lot of things tt I had never used and will never use, which my mum would refer to as wastage. So, ya.. you should have guessed, i threw them away behind my parents' back. =D That cleared a lot A LOT of space in my room. But well, there are still a lot of things and guess what, though my kor kor said tt he'll clean up, he did not.. =(

Am late for school today. First latecoming this year.. I hope this doesn't go on.. I can't go on like this!! I'm attempting to change!!! oops.. ran 8 rounds for PE. =( so sad... hopped around like a kangaroo aft tt and swinged like a monkey at the monkey bars. Haiz.. but i didn't run like a banglah k, didn't even have the strength to run like a banglah.

Notice:

Miaow's place is having an open house on the third day of new year. Please tell me if you wanna come =) and please come coz i might be a lil lonely since my parents are going to malaysia, and my kor can't even get out of camp =) Free flow of drinks and tidbits. TV available, VCDs can be played. Comics such as onepiece, deathnote, conan etc also available for rental (juz joking). Juz come and visit me k!! but there'll be no ang paos since my parents are gone. Erm.. if your parents wanna give me, i dun mind larz.. =P Details will be provided some time later, or you'll just have to ask me personally larz..

THANK YOU!! *muacks*

That's all for the day, i guess.. 8 more minutes till lesson starts. haiz.. sian.. today's a long day. Actually, Almost every day's a long day coz of CL A.

Teacher-in-charge of dance called me juz now to ask if i'm still interested in joining dance, which i said yes, but am currently busy with chinese new year stuff so ya... haiz.. feel so sian leh... sian sian sian sian sian.. no GB to cheer me up too. sian sian sian sian sian...

The famous boot licker - Combalala

once upon a time, there was a guy called Combalala. Combalala is not poor, he has sufficient money to buy himself nike, puma, adidas, converse, billabong... ... and the list goes on.. just stuff that are expensive, but not to the extent of chanel and prada. Thought Combalala is quite well-off, he is certainly not satisfied. So he got himself a job...

Combalala chose to shine others' boots for a "living". He researched on them many ways of shining boots, and he came to a conclusion:

The best way to earn his billabong is to lick others' boots. It doesn't matter whether licking is the best way to shine the boots. As long as you lick their boots, they'll be happy to help you with your billabong and nike. =)

So.. Combalala became a famous bootlicker. Sometimes, he licked e wrong boots, awww.. too bad. However, he will always turn back when he realise that. Some other times, he was a little late to lick the boots, that the people will no longer be happy to help him with his billabong.

As Combalala became more and more famous, he attracted more and more people to him. Of course, not the people with boots. The people with boots for him to lick don't usually find him, because he will always find them =D. He attracted a lot of people whom ended up beating him to dust.

So, Comabalala died as he became specks of dust.

-The end-

This is literature with horrible language. =) Some of you will be talented enough to understand, but i doubt there are many of you who can do so =). For those who do not understand, it's ok. It's better that you dun understand. Don't want to pollute your innocent minds (if you do have an innocent mind, that is xD)

Shall I dance?

I've been thinking about this question for a very long time... ...

Should I quit dance?

By this, of course I don't mean to stop dancing, but to withdraw from the college's dance club. I mean, what's the point when I don't enjoy myself there? It's very hard to dance well when you don't enjoy what you're dancing. Of course, I know that it is being professional to love all dances, but I just can't love dancing there as I had in crescent, or in my other affiliations. I had been telling many of my friends that the dance we have in the college is way different from what I expect. I was expecting modern contemporary or purely hip hop, but currently, we seem to be dancing what I refer to as "pop". Perhaps I'm too used to dancing modern contemporary, that's why it's hard for me to be passionate about "pop". Well, to put it simply, I'm not a professional. Either I'm not YET a pro, or I'm NEVER a pro.

Today, I was actually expected to help out in the banner-painting thing. The only thing that was pushing me to help out is that conscience, and the guilt that is plaguing me. I feel guilty because I'm so totally not committed. Very VERY unlike my dance life in crescent, when I object to anyone skipping dance lessons - well, perhaps except the thursday sessions *wink* - and will get angry with my friends if they do so. I had not been participating enough, and I felt like repaying by painting the banner. However, I decided not to go. AND, i've also decided to find Mr. Eric Wong to consult him (well, actually I just want to tell him that I want to quit dance, and try my luck asking if my outside dance affiliations can be considered as CCA). I've decided to quit dance.

Like I've mentioned, I don't really enjoy myself when I dance there. Perhaps it's due to the fact that I don't really know anyone there. I don't know why, but after coming here, my passion for performances diminished significantly. I used to love performing, love dancing on the stage and all. But now, I don't feel like dancing in this college at all, and I mean AT ALL! Maybe I've lost my passion for dance, I mean, I'm losing the passion gradually.

Wish me luck in my attempt to quit dance and not join any CCA in college =)

If's so unfair!!

what's so unfair?!

My parents just returned from taiwan and i just got to know from my mum that i'm supposed to change my name from si min to SHI min....... nooooooooooo!!!!!!! i love my si!! i dun wanna change!!

according to my mum, a "da shi" asked her to change my name. He said that my current name will make me fall ill easily and that the new name will ensure a luxurious life. Okay, for now, i will say this, WHAT CRAP?! I was quite angry, and very sad. i wanted to ask my mum, "you actually believe in that?!" ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhalskdjf laksjdflka jdlkfjasldkfj al;ksdjflkadsjflk alsdkj fal;skdjf lakjsdf lkajsdlkf jalksdjf lkasjdflk ajsdfj lkasdjfl...

i'm not happy now!!!!!!!!! not happy!!!!!!!! not happy at all!!!!!!!

it's so unfair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

UNFAIR!!!!!!

i know that she did this for my well-being, hoping that i'll have a better life. But, it's just not that easy to accept!!!!! nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!! And the thing is that, it's even harder to accept when i dun really believe in such stuff!! Why can't they wait for me to be convinced, then change it? it's unfair! unfair! unfair! UNFAIR!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm angry!!!!!!! ANGRY!!! NOT HAPPY AT ALL!!!

IT'S JUST SOOOOOOOO UNFAIR!!!

!#$*(#!&$*!#(&$(*!#&*$)!(#*$!#@^&*@$&*@#!

::sometimes, all it takes is to believe::

Indeed, sometimes, you just have to believe. Believe in yourself, believe in your friends, believe in what you do, believe in your beliefs... ...

Had been doing some thinking yesterday - i do that sometimes, especially when i'm alone and everything's quiet - and i thought that at times, I believe in myself so much that I'm overconfident. I've been convincing myself that I am smart, and I learn fast. This resulted in failures along with my inbornt slacker attitude. I believe that I learn fast, so I had always been reluctant to study. I thought that I was smart, so I spend less time studying than my friends. Of course, my results were quite bad.

I remember days in crescent, when many of my friends were so fed up with my slacker attitude. They're always asking my to study, but oh, well.. yeah. haha.. i'm just like that. I recall my partner commenting, "I find it very unfair. I study so hard and I got B3, you don't study but only read through the morning we have our test, and you got B4!!" or something like that. Well, it was just that she was complaining how unfair it was that I don't study but I still can pass. And one of my other friend, Nadia, >.<" she wrote in my autograph book, "I bet you are also very smart. If you take the trouble to dust your books and creak them open, I'm very sure you can get 9 points and below." Haha.. well, I think everyone who does that can get that kind of results. *chuckles* But sometimes, I realise that I'm not that smart anyway. If I am smart, then i would've gotten 9 points and below without even dusting my books and creak them open! Haha.. Her way of expressing is interesting. She reads a lot. =) Now that I've come to the autograph book, let's take a look at what my friends had said. Well, I shall type some of them. Haha.. my seniors' autographs are hilarious.. Never fail to make me laugh. XD wahaha.. "You know... when you 1st join dance, ni3 shi4 you4 hei1 you4 bu4 smile.. kan4 le wo3 pa4 pa4... :S BUT! after 3 yrs, ni3 hai2 shi4 yi1 yang4 hei1 (and even hei1-er) but you cheer up ALOT... :) and smile ALOT now... ..."

Chia Shi Hui (aka pig-chia XD)
[senior: dance chair]

"love your incredibly black n long n straight n silky hair... yea, i very jealous, cos my long hair looked like helmet instead... (haha, dun laugh)... ...."

Xiao Yun (always being called Cai Yun by miss lee. Haha.. )
[senior: forgot her post le *oops*]

"i notice we everytime also pair up together one. maybe cos we so tall. hee..."

Lilynne (actually, she's not that tall also larz.. hahaha.. oops.. hahaha)
[senior: DM]

"you are one of the coolest dancer i know... ... ...thanks for all the little things, like getting the grp 2 concentrate during projects..."

Camellia
[classmate]

"just want to let you noe that you are e most xiong1 woman I've ever known and also e person who loves drawing. ... ... also noe you as a notti person who wants to blackmail..."

Huilin aka da jie
[classmate]

"Initially, when i first met you, i was scared witless by your frightening, intense stare *grin* though now i am more impressed than afraid"

Nadia
[classmate]

"You're a really nice person who's very sweet, but I still remember the time you tried 2 blackmail me... "

Farah
[classmate]

"will always remember you as crez's dancer. Never knew you could be so fierce, but really, i truly admire your dedication and determination when it comes to dancing."

Sofia
[classmate: e only councillour in our class XD]

"well, first impression of u was dat u abit DAO(hee) coz u seldom smile... but later realised u are actually veri frenly & nice :) & of coz a wonderful dancer!"

Geline (we used to joke abt combing leg hair >.<)
[classmate]

"she's a bit violent tho, she inflicts whacks and pokes on me!"

ginny
[dancemate: dance chair]

Well, hahaha.. basically it's like that. Till now, I still hear many people saying that their first impression of me was dao, fierce (well i am fierce! XD dao, depends .. hmm) etc etc.. hahaha.. of course i'm naughty and playful. Reading their writings, i recalled all the things that had happened. I enjoyed myself blackmailing farah and huilin. hahaha.. so fun, so fun.. XD Hmm.. I remember soy hoon (xiao yun).. some memories. Before an incident that occured, I had always thought that she's biased against me. But there was this time, I got so stressed up with SYF that I had an emotional breakdown. I felt that a few juniors are not trying hard enough. So i shouted so loudly when dancing. Finally, I couldn't stand it and i ran out of the dance studio, sat on the step and started crying like mad. It was soy hoon who came out, she actually sat down beside me and consoled me, asking why am i crying and so on. My impression of her changed a lot, after that incident. She said that i'm one of those juniors who will always have a place in her heart, and I believe that she's a senior who'll always be remembered too! Of course, other seniors did manage to find a place in my heart too. They're just so mad that you can't forget them. Haha..

2nd Day - Fishball, Curry Puff, Sushi

Fishball, curry puff, and sushi. My dinner for today. Not bad right.. haha.. i juz feel like eating sushi, but it's not filling, so i bought e other 2. =) Survived a day on my own, this is the second day >.<

Went for the advance placement seminar just now. Got to know that we'll be able to choose one module to learn, being treated like an undergrad. Hmm.. and i realised how we were chosen, selected, short-listed - whatever - I found out that we are actually the top 30 percent of our cohort. That's like WoW!! haha.. but take a look at my grades. Just in case you don't remember, it's A, B, AO, and C6. With this kind of results, i can actually be the top 30% of my school.. Hmm.. This is way different from my secondary school like. Not trying to be proud whatsoever, because there's nothing to be proud of. Being in crescent, my kind of results is the last 30% of my school, which explains why I'm not in SAJC, NYJC, or even NJC. Well, it reflects quite badly on Innova too. What can i say? Sigh... It's so pathetic.

So i was selected yadda yadda.. .. and i chose financial accountancy. I find it quite stupid that we have to submit the form today if we want to choose and accountancy module. I need time to consider, you know. Anw, now that I've reached home, and have time to think through. I actually think that I might want to reject this course. Why? You might ask. It's just SO NOT ME to take extra lessons. Perhaps it can be the turning point, but, I doubt I'll put in enough effort and work hard. I'll just continue slacking as usual. I prefer a quiet and slow-paced holidays. Here comes my other side of thinking, "but it's a really good chance!! What if I got rejected my NTU ADM? This can act as a back-up plan!!" Sigh.. i'm just like that.. I can never make decisions, NEVER.

What's more. We have to go through interviews to get into this programme. And out of so many people, only 45 are picked for each course. Hmm.. I'm competing with people from JCs all over Singapore, including RJC, ACJC, yadda yadda... It's so eeeeeeks~ >.<

I really don't know what to do. I just need time to sort things out. I need time to talk to myself, and ask if I am willing to put in extra effort next year. I'm so troubled, again!! XD Well, the best way to stop this troubling, reject the course. =) But it's such a good chance!! ._o here goes again.. sigh..

7 days - day 1

Living on my own for 7 days (Day 1)

I'll be living on my own for 7 days, as i've mentioned up there. Well, my parents went to taiwan from today till the 9th. My only problem with them leaving, no one to call me up in the morning, and my OP date is on the 7th. >.< I hope that i'll wake up early enough not to be late. Eeks~

My brother's back.. that's weird.. This whole week, he had been coming back a day, going back the next day.. then after a day, he came back again, and next day he has to return.. XD now he's back again, but he'll be going back to camp on saturday.. This means that i can't use the com =( So sad...

Today's the first day, and i had been able to wake up early enough to attend dance at 10 =) *applaud* There will be school tmr.. eeks eeks eeks.. sigh.. days when i can stay at home and use e com, my bro's back.. so sad.. i shall go play now, before he can use it >=D

there goes my charger

my handphone charger's dead. After getting drenched on 27 October, it suffered from high fever. Eventually, it died. *mourn* RIP, charger.. *mourn*

Due to the death of my handphone charger, my handphone will be switched off for quite a long time, mourning the death of its best friend. Till the next best friend is found, my phone would most probably be mourning all the time. So, please don't blame me for anything if I am unable to reply your message, receive your call etc. I apologise.

Enough of this mourning thing.

Got informed today by my CT that i'm actually shortlisted for the SMU advance placement programme. Basically, if i participate in this programme, I will be reading modules taught by SMU's top professors. And would then be able to use these modules as exemptions into SMU Business Courses.

What can I say.. I believe we are chosen by our CTs, or by our econs tutor. Well, for my case, they are the same. Hmm... I really wonder what makes my CT think that I'm so good. If it's during summer test, okay.. but this time, this promos, i failed econs!! didn't even get a 15/20 for MCQ.. sad case. Anyway, the seminar is about 3 hours after the school ends on 4 Nov, which means that I have to wait for 3 hours just to attend that seminar. Hmm.. that really makes me consider if I want to join or not. XD Well, basically I'm just worried that if i join this programme, I won't be able to cope with everything, UNLESS i buck up.. work harder.. but. but... but... i'm a lazy bum =( it's very hard to ask me to work, you know.. That's why, I'm wondering if i should participate or not.

While making the decision, of course, I think of many many things. The first thing that came into my mind was that i want to get into NTU's ADM course. So what's the use of this programme? However, i'm worried that I might not qualify for my dream course. So i'm thinking of joining this programme, then at least i'll have somewhere to go. But, like i've mentioned earlier, i'm worried that I won't be working harder, which means that i won't be able to cope at all. Sigh... But i still don't understand why she thinks that I'm smart.. she actually told my dad that i'm hardworking.. that's something that will drop my fellow crescentians' jaws. XD This shows that she doesn't know me well? haha.. i'm a sloth... SLOTH!!

fatigue ==> slack

Well, basically i slept till abt 1.30 pm today. And it's not because i slept late last night.. It's one of the days that i slept very early. I think i slept at about 10.30 pm? haha.. actually, erm.. quite dirty larz.. but erm.. haha.. i went home, talked to my dad a while, then slept on the floor. For how long, i'm not sure. But i remember my dad calling me up, asking me to sleep in my room, which i did. I was still wearing my stinky PE T-shirt.. eeks..

While blog-hopping today, I realised that quite some of them actually blogged on friday.. yesterday.. Hmm.. i didn't even touch the com yesterday. Was really really tired. Actually, i'm quite surprised that i can actually move today. I thought that i'll be totally immobile. XD Come, let me tell you what had happened... ... (it's quite boring actually =P)

Now, now.. let's see.. Wed and Thurs trained for e Sports events that took place yesterday. Actually, after Wed, My muscles had been hurting. So after thurs's training, I was very worried that I would be unable to run on friday. Well, but i ran. I slowed down for 4 by 100, when i was reaching pei han, but others were still quite fine, I think.. =X

K.. erm.. first ever time i ran so much? Haha.. last time, the most i ran was 100 m and 4x100 m. And at least these 2 events have a longer time in between for me to rest. Yesterday, I had to run 100 m, 4x100 m, and 10x50 m. Hmm.. actually e last event like never run leh.. coz I took quite a number of steps ahead, for fairness.. so I juz ran a few steps before passing the baton. =P Oh ya.. this is e first ever time that i had actually made it to the finals for 100 m. Hmm.. This shows that our college is quite pathetic? Eeks! Sorry.. didn't mean to. Or perhaps because last time we had more girls, more pros? Hmm.. Whatever. <-- XD fred muz be totally "you did tt on purpose!!" Come to that, I think you're the only one i know how to attack with words. XD whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. you pissed off? =P Ha... oh.. but you know how to attack me too.. Hmm.. dangerous, dangerous. Oh ya.. you still say what.. wanna suck my literally bloody finger is it? XD haha... i dun wanna get your madness virus k. Later i die of madness arh.. hahaha.. k not funny -.- Yesterday was totally madness. The sports day, that is. Hmm.. we had 3 events yesterday.. and i ran for all 3. =X wonder what will happen if i join the cheerleading. I'll die of fatigue. Well, but i'll never join cheerleading, so it's fine. XD Guess you'll say running for 3 events shouldn't make me so tired right. Well, it'll be very tiring if you have muscle aches and you run for all 3 events. Not to forget, after Sports Day, I actually went for dance lessons at 8 pm.. haha. madness.. but i made the right choice, because i couldn't wake up today. Hur hur.. =P Oh oh oh .. what was so tiring about the sports day, is the fact that I juz sat down to drink and rest for a while, I heard "4 by 100 m, runners please report to Mr. XX and miss XX..." was totally sighing.. Haiz.. And come to think I was actually only supposed to run for 4 by 100 and 100 m. Coz of someone *ahem ahem* by the name of jo, kana fever.. Hmph! Not forgetting, I joined 3 events and i got nothing at all. Haha.. but it's expected larz.. Oh.. if someone had joined arh.. maybe we could have won something larz.. but *ahem ahem* stupid yuan yuan!! dun wanna join!! hmph! nx year I'll sign you up for everything i tell ya!! HMPH!!

basically, my day comprised of naruto and gunbound. Fred's not online to chat =( Well, it's a bit Haha.. to hear, but I enjoy chatting with you fred!! XD juz juz juz.. it's alright.. not all the time though. You can be irritating at times too.. so can i .. XD meanies rule!!!!!

18 0ct

Today's not my day.. but it's ok =)

Don't worry, not talking about my results.. haha.. e "not my day" is not abt bad results larz.. but i doubt it'll be any better. If i'm not lazy, i'll talk abt it tmr =). Erm.. what happened?

Went to TCC today to play badminton with kah yin, wai sze, and athena. Was wearing my new size 10 slippers (haha.. so big right..), and was walking to somerset station's bus stop. Was lucky! I just reached and the 190 bus was about to leave, but e bus driver saw me... so I got to take e bus. On e bus, aft i tapped my ez link card, i wanted to walk already, and my foot slipped off my slipper. Haha.. so malu. so i juz casually wear it back and walked. Well, I don't know why. Nowadays, if this kind of level of paiseh things happen, i won't really panick. I'll just do what I have to do, though i feel a little embarrassed, but it's quite fine. Guessed too many maluating things happened le.. hahaha..

second bad thing tt happened.. I reached TCC, went to e badminton court. After playing for a while, i choked on my on saliva, haha.. and started coughing.. coughed for a while, put down e racket, went to take a drink. haha..

then.. erm.. oh ya.. went to e petrol station nx door to buy drinks. I thought that i'll be thirsty enough, so i bought a 1.5 litre H20 thirst quencher, and a canned pokka carrot juice. THEN, haha.. while i was opening e can in e court, i felt tt my finger was hurting a little. Didn't really care about it at first, but when i lift it up to see where it is painful, i saw the tip of my finger red. Haha.. was stunned. hahaha.. i calmly showed my red finger to kah yin, and she said, "oh my god". >.< me ="D" jobs ="D" painful ="=""> paindul or paingul. Haha.. yeah.. quite hard for me to type fast now.. sigh..

Guess I'm in good mood these days. =) Until tomorrow, i guess.. haha.. bad things happened, but i'm still quite happy. That's good isn't it? Yes it is, i say yes, so yes!! >=d

Yesterday, this professor came from NTU to talk about arts, media and design in NTU. XD was so happy!! but it was quite stupid that they have it in the library, with a screen so small and we have to look over so many heads to see the little presentation. They should have it in an LT what.. this kind of thing is impt you know.. Well, so he talked about animation, photography etc etc. =D so happy!! was inspired. Now i want to go NTU take animation or sth like that larz.. hahaha.. but, i have to get through tmr morning >=] am taking back my results tmr.. HAiz.... hmm.. tt makes me think of sth..

Ever since, i don't know when.. but i remember in sec sch, before exams, my friends will always ask me whether i studied well already, because i always look very calm and unaffected by this "exam" at all. Well, I'm this kind of person, can't help it. I'll only get nervous when i'm inside the exam hall, sitting and waiting for the clock to tick to exactly XXXX hour. Haha.. Oh.. and when it comes to results, my friends are nervous too, but as usual, i'll look calm and totally unaffected. Maybe it's just my expressionless face. - . - <== forever like tt =P oh.. and always, i'll either be wanting my results back or it doesn't really matter if they return us. But my friends will be.. "oh no.. i don't want them back!!" kind of thing. haha.. it's not because i'm like e smartie hermione.. i just want to know how badly i had done.. when i did not really study or even worse, didn't study at all. =D You juz have to get use to me larz.. i'm quite mad ._o haha.. or, i'm very mad!! hahahaha.. haiz.. had typed so much, with my handicapped left hand.. haha.. it's really hard to type k!! muz appreciate that i typed so much eh.. =D not like you all will read until here actually.. =P haha.. anw, i'm glad that it's not my right hand that's handicapped. Or my thumb that has a great responsibility in my life, with many roles to play. When you injure your finger, you'll appreciate them more. You'll realise that all of them are important to you, crucial, and losing any one of them will affect your life. =) *nod nod* so remember to kiss them everyday and talk to them k =) even the teeny weeny ones!! Haha... non-sensical.. is there such word in the first place? oops.. =X GP dead le..

memories

MeMoRies

不 知道为什么，突然就回想起从前。小学时的无忧无虑，中学时的玩闹，那三个月的疯狂与热情？哈哈。。。 回忆起过去时，也突然想到了这么一句话。我们会珍惜回忆，会很想念从前的生活，是因为我们回不去从前。有些事情，真的是回不去的。该珍惜身边的人和事吗？ 嗯。。。总那么说，但却总会忘记。最终仍后悔。太迟了，一切都太迟了。

买了梁静茹从前的唱片，听她的歌，很舒服。她唱歌很好听，但是要唱她的个好难！因为她可唱得很高或很低，高水准。好难学唱！好想买她的新CD, 但没钱。谁向捐钱给我呢？哈哈。。。或直接买那专辑给我也好。 =)

梁静茹的新歌里，有首歌的词儿是这样的：

差一点骗了自己骗了你

爱与被爱不一定成正比

我知道被疼是一种运气

但我无法完全交出自己

感觉很贴切，很想我曾感觉过的那感觉。事实上，到现在，还是有点迷惑呀！但是，不论如何，时机不成熟吧！也许是他，也许是别人，也许谁都不是，就我一个人也说不定。世界上有很多未知数。重新读了Harry Potter, 发现了类似这样的一句话：what we fear is not death, but the unknown. 好像是，大概是这样吧。嗯。。。不完全记得啦。 其实，什么都顺其自然，不就很好吗？时机到了，一切便会揭晓。但是，又有那么一份不安，担心会后悔。或许，我的选择是所谓的顺其自然，又或许是我累了，想 好好休息。

找不着方向的感觉，并不好。就是那份未知数？很希望我能知道我自己要什么，希望能找到我的生活目标。真担心我以后是个没用的东西啊！=D

听中学同学说，她看见某某同学与男友在一起。想想，现在好多的中学同 学都在交往吧！像大姐啊！哈哈。。。嗯。。。很奇怪。有时候，我会很羡慕，但是，我却又选择了不与他们走相同的路。我呢？其实，我真的有认真想过。有些时 候，我会渴望爱情，希望能够交往，但又有些时候觉得有了男友好想少了自由的感觉。茅盾的心情，矛盾的思虑，真想我啊！哈哈。。。顺其自然吗？嗯。。。就顺 其自然吧！

哎呀！要是未来的夫婿（哈哈）能陪我一起懒懒散散的过日子，但又不愁 吃不愁穿，该有多好啊！毕竟，我也是懒猪转世的呀！每天就躺在草地上，看着天空，感觉那微风吹在脸庞，听着那北风吹过的树叶“沙沙”的声音，听着身旁的人 的心跳声，呼吸声，安安静静的睡去，不被谁打扰。晚上也能看星星！

哈哈。。真是恰当啊！我不知为何不想睡觉，而电脑正播着梁静茹的《不想睡》。恰当，恰当！可是呢，已经五点多了。得赶快关电脑！在爸爸近来之前，赶快装睡！

一夜的胡言乱语，没睡觉的人是这样的。

blue blue blue

蓝色的世界

蓝色的天空，一望无际

蓝色的海，看不见底

蓝色的感觉，自由自在

像那一望无际的天空，那看不见底的海洋

鸟儿天上飞，鱼儿水中游

蓝色的我，在这永无止境的人生里走着

深怕会被那蓝色的生活吞没而消失不见

找不着方向，找不着退路

难道我只能站在原地等着天下起雨吗？

something that i had written some time ago, some time after i started to like blue. I think that it ended a little abruptly, don't you think so? Anyway, so far i've only received a comment about this Blue thing.. haha.. i sent it to fred forcefully >.<.. hahaha.. so he read and told me that he likes the first one. Hmm.. see if your taste is good enough to like it or not .. ^_^ haha.. well.. juz something that i wrote larz.. tell me your comments k =)

Personality Test

i did a personality test to see which evil character i am, and i'm gaara!!!! muahahaha.. but he's not evil what.. hmph! nvm.. I'm gaara!! Gaara!! GAARA!!!!! hahaha.. i'm so happy to be evil.. if it means i'm evil like gaara!! hahaha.. i shall go kill everyone now!! XD

Naruto Personality Test: Which Evil Naruto Character Are You?

Your results are in! You're not very stable up there and you're quite a psychopath. But you weren't always like that. Long ago, you innocently searched for love but people feared you as you could not control the power in you. You lost all hopes of receiving love when even your most precious person tried to assasinate you... Now living only for yourself, you are Gaara of the Sand. Oh yah, your best friend is probably a gourd.

Gaara the Metal Worker

In real life you have a great affinity with sand and metal. You love the beach and loved playing with sand since young. You like building sand castles at the beach and most possibily you might be a gourd maker when you retire. You are also likely to be in the construction industry or you will be involve with metal works.

Likely occupations: (Metal Worker)

Metal worker
Construction related
Gourd maker
Sand trader
Gourd Artist
Psychopath

It's a lil lame though.. but nvm of coz.. it's gaara!! gaara!! gaara!! XD muahaha..

i love gaara!!!!!!

blue

蓝蓝的，还是蓝蓝的。

已经好久好久了，但还是蓝蓝的。

穿着粉红色上衣，深绿色裤子，

但还是感觉蓝蓝的。

蓝蓝的，其实很美，很静，很安详。

但是，蓝蓝得似乎有点忧郁。

难道我现在忧郁吗？



今天，到了诊所去边说实话边说谎。这让我有点厌倦撒谎。但却又认 为，有些时候，我们比不得已都得撒谎。是都得撒谎，还是都要撒谎？过后，到了图书馆，借了几米的书，《又寂寞又美好》。它的英文名，让我马上把它抽出来翻 阅，Beautiful Solitude. 也许是因为最近总觉得很孤独，很寂寞吧。就算在人群中，在学校里，在朋友群众，都难免会感到孤单。朋友们都说我很会画画，但看了这本书，我觉得我并不会画 画。我想要有自己的风格，但至今，我都是在抄别人的风格。想象几米那样，没事就画画。事实上，我是这样的。但是他的没事画画所画出来的画似乎是我精心策划 后才能画出来的画。欣赏他那天马行空的画，不拘束于现实世界。很想像他一样画画，但我知道，那是经验累积，经历了很多事后才能办到的。

其实，画画的好坏似乎都是由别人来批判的。什么时候，你会自认自己画的是好是坏，完全不被人影响？画画并没有好坏，喜欢就好了。画得开心就好了。管他那么多干嘛？

大家一起来画画吧！

no sch for me please

peeps, a way to grab lotsa attention on sunday. Wear your school uniform and walk around.

don't feel like going to school. my nose is running away. i wonder if it'll continue running at this pace, or slow down to jog, or start sprinting. I hope it'll stay at this pace or accelerate. coz i dun wanna go to school. i wanna stay at home.. please dun let me get well tt soon, please. I wanna stay at home..

总觉得一切结束了之后，虽 然轻松了许多，却也多了一份空虚感。也许是已习惯了吧。你说我是个很难忘记的人，是吗？有些时候，我不愿相信男生的这种好话。因为感觉上有点虚伪，简单的 说就是甜言蜜语。现在虽这么说，但或许不久之后，你很快就会忘了吧。但也没差啦，反而更好，因为少了一份尴尬。=) 其实，到现在，我还搞不懂你为何会喜欢我。相信有很多人也都觉得奇怪吧。你的品味有点特别呀。哈哈。。。

naughty naughty fred.. tsk tsk tsk... your comment today arh.. tsk tsk tsk.. hahaha.. i can't compare with fel, fel's better. hahaha.. oops~ fel will definitely say sth like "why talk abt me again?" well, if i tell you why, you will kill both fred and i. XD so i shall not say anything larz..

最近心情还是蓝蓝的，也不知道为什么。我暂时爱上了蓝色吧。