Possibilities

Talked to mel today, and recalled that i actually had thought about a lot of possibilities of my current situation.

1. He treats me nothing more than a friend and i had thought too much in the past.

2. He was interested at first but soon lost interest (perhaps he now knows that i'm rotten to the core, not good at all)

3. He knows that I like him, that's why the avoidance, the hostility, and the coldness.

4. He likes me, but i'm not warm enough to push him on. So he thought that i'm not interested.

5. He liked me, but soon persuaded himself to stop before there's more to it because now is the crucial time.

Whichever it is, there's something that's definite, I'm thinking too much. That's not all the possibilities I had came out with, there are more, but I've forgotten. Another thing that i can be sure of... i really like him. It doesn't help me forget when i don't see him at all, though it does calm me down a little... there's still this sadness in me that can sometimes become overwhelming. It's good that this term break is here at this time, gives me time to be calm, because i won't really get to see him since i don't need to step out of my house.

Nothing seems to be the same. At the beginning, it seems as if it is fate, destiny, whatever... it's like we're meant to know each other, it's all predestined. But now, it's the total opposite. Everything seems to go the wrong way. It just makes the whole situation worse... makes me feel worse.

Sometimes, i want to see him. But when i did see him, i won't even take a second look, trying my best to walk further away from him as quickly as possible... as if i'm the one avoiding him. Well... actually, i am avoiding him somehow, because it hurts to see him. He's so near, yet so far. He can be right beside me, but he can never be mine.

I've stopped crying. But i'm still sighing, still thinking, still sad, still hoping, still lifeless... Why do i have to know him in the first place, when he'll bring me so much miseries? Perhaps i have to learn to forget. It's easy to put it into words, but it's way difficult to put it into action. Seems like no stickman drawing can fully illustrate my feelings, because it's so complicated.

Sometimes, I can hate him, but when i see him, i know that i can't possibly hate him. They are just separated by one fine line, and i'm always running about the boundaries, hating him yet liking him at the same time. Talk about conflicting minds and the twin of gemini. Sigh... If only things can be easier...

stickman 03

Guess i'm really in love with stickman drawings now... Realised that actually many of my drawings are repetitions. They're roughly of the same idea, but the pictures are a little bit different. Some give off a more intensed feeling.

Had been "promoting" my stickman drawings to my friends. So far i've received 3 comments? fred was e first, he said 'minimalistic'... which until now i still dun really understand what he's trying to say. haha.. nx was da jie, as you can see from e tagboard... I'm actually curious which one of them she's referring to.. really curious. But well, she went offline before i had the chance to ask. =/ eh... last was fel, who only said sth like "nice". xD well, pls do give me comments. Thx..

So here's e new drawings..

"I can't..."

I can't... no matter how you try to pull me out of this miserable situation, i just can't manage to get myself out. It can be that i'm counter-pulling, meaning willingly staying in this painful life.. it can also be that i simply can't get myself out. I just can't! It's useless pulling me, give it up! Stop pulling!! Leave me alone!!!!

"I can't move on"

I know i have to move on, but i just push myself forward anymore...

This is almost the same as the one above, just that for this one, it's about moving on, while the other is getting myself out.

No matter how hard you try to push me forward, it doesn't help when I can't move on. It's useless pushing me forward. I know it's for my own good, i know... I would also like to get myself to move on with my life, but right now, I can't bring myself to do it.

I don't cry as often now, but there's still the sadness inside... that takes a much longer time to go than the tears. It's not easy, just in case you don't know.

"He's online"

So what if he's online... I do nothing, he does nothing... Not like we chat... we don't! That's the problem!! Not even a "hi" or a "boo!"... nothing. We don't chat... i should just delete his name and save me from getting troubled upon seeing his nick appearing as online.

"Fly me to the moon"

Fly me to the moon... actually there's nothing much to this. Just feel like seeking some peaceful lifestyle, away from miseries. And the moon seems to be quite a place for some peace.

"in other words, please be true, in other words, i love you"

a sweet song can sound sad when the person singing it is sad. Mood affects everything heh...

more stickman drawings

Have more stickman drawings done today... I'm actually surprised that I still have more stickman drawings to contribute. Perhaps that's how things should be, do it bit by bit and not rush... perhaps that's what i should be doing, taking things step by step and not rushing. But that's when there are still things to anticipate... Now that i know there's nothing waiting for me at the finishing line, what's the point? I should give up the race... But i'm not doing what i SHOULD be doing. i can't stop walking though i've already stopped running. I promise myself, i will walk out of this one day. I can overcome this even on my own, just need a little more time.

"No need for words"

You don't need to say anything, there's no need for words. I just need you by my side, I just need your companion.

Many things are just like that isn't it? Sometimes, we need friends by our side but we don't want them to talk to us. Things like that happen when you're sad and need some peace and quiet, but at the same time, you need their companion. Other than that, this can also mean that it's okay if you don't talk to me, as long as you stay with me. That's all I'm asking for. That's all i had been asking for.

"Nothing much"

There's nothing much, really. You don't need to think so much about my actions because sometimes, they are seriously nothing much. No need to panic when I drift a little apart from the group... sometimes, i need time alone, though there are times when i feel alone because of you people. Hmm.. it's hard to explain. Haha.. forget it then.

"Set me free"

Sometimes, i really wish that i have a pair of wings that will set me free from this boring lifestyle, and leave this world of miseries. I often find life mundane and boring, and often wish to take a break. The wings that i wish for, are able to set me free. Whether from the stressful school life, pursuing 'A's, or the sadness i have to put up with all because of him, or sometimes even the family that can sometimes make me feel worse. Set me free... we all have this feeling sometimes, don't we? Guess all of you can understand what i'm trying to say here. =)

"Not asking for much"

I'm not asking for much you know, I just want that balloon you're holding on to. Is it that difficult for you to give it to me?

I'm not asking much here you know, I just need you to see what's good in me, and tell me that you like me. Is it that hard for you? Of course it is... there's nothing good about me, and that balloon's glued to your hand, isn't it?

Sometimes, we think that we're not asking much. But life's just like that, not everything we asked for can be given to us just like that. There's nothing we can do about it. We have to accept this fact because that's how life is. Nothing's perfect. Nothing's fair. We can only live with it.

stickman

wonder why.. currenly i'm really in love with stickman drawing (not enough to get me out though), not hand-drawn though..

Well anw, here are e new ones done today. Shall explain them too, if there's anything to explain about... =)

i'm going according to which one i drew first.. perhaps to let you see my flow of ideas. Something like that larz..

To explain this drawing. Well, It's an extension of the other one also with a flower. The difference is that the flower has more colours now, and that there are petals dropping off the stalk. The fallen petals represent the tears of the person holding the flower. I simply name it, "The crying flower". Am trying to bring out the feeling of disappointment, sadness, hopelessness (is there such word?). It's actually the same as the previous "dead flower" just that i think that this is more intensive, with the flower crying.

Well, to explain this drawing... Tell you the title first... "I am Happy" it's not a very good title, but if you have a better suggestion, please please do tell me. Thanks! =)

Basically. The stickman is just trying to convince himself that he is happy, when he actually is not. As you can see the contradiction; the smile and the / \ eyebrows.

Sometimes, we just do that. We just force ourselves to be happy even when we know that we're not. This had happened to me before of course, some time ago. It just makes you even more depressed.

"Lonely"

Sometimes, we just feel so lonely in this BIG BIG world. We can feel lonely even when we have friends and family surrounding us. We'll still feel lonely no matter what, because some things had happened and you have to deal it by yourself, or you're forced to do it.

I'm one of the few who often feel so alone even in a crowd. That's why, sometimes you see me walking around alone. I'm in my own world of solitude even when walking with you people. Don't worry, that's just me. I do get sad sometimes, but not all the time. But i often step into my world of solitude so easily.

while i'm bored...

Had been doing some personality tests and IQ tests recently... Well actually it's just these 3 days. *chuckles* What can i conclude? Well, I can't really remember much of my personality tests that i've done 2 days ago. Haha.. as for today's, i'm melancholy40%, phlegmatic25%... another test says that i'm artistic and creative and encouraging... a personality test based on colours said that i'm creative and artistic too, and suit jobs relating to art, speech, debate... errmmm... hmmm... I doubt i am creative and artistic. I doubt, really! So does that mean the results are inaccurate? =\

As for e IQ tests, i did one last night, and introduced it to various friends. xD I'm surprised tt almost all of them were interested in doing e test!! or maybe they were just bored, like me. haha... my results, IQ 126, considered as above average. Hmmm... "above average" doesn't sound nice, especially when the two above it are "gifted" and "genius". Out of all those i introduced e test to, only one got his results out before i went offline, and accurate (according to website). That's jason, the gay.. xD his IQ is... ... ... 105 if i'm not wrong. Oops.. am i allowed to publicise his IQ? anw, e average is 100, so he's considered as e higher average.. something like that. As for ppl like e boy boy and geok, they didn't know there's a time limit and went to do other things.. so they didn't get to finish e test in time. haha.. hilarious. da jie's one i'm not sure, but i think it'll definitely be above 100. Oh, my brother told me that the last time he took an IQ test, his results was above 150!! Thought that he was joking coz above 144 or somewhere there is "genius"!! *pouts* so unfair.

anw, here's e webby that you can go try and test your IQ =) have fun doing it.

Oh.. and according to that test, and some other tests i took yesterday, i'm good with spatial stuff.. so i can visualise 3D stuff. Does that mean i've chosen the right faculty to aim for? NTU ADM ?

That reminds me.. went to NTU today for e prize presentation of INK 2006. So sad, i didn't get any award, juz participation. The standard was quite high. But i roughly know my problems, so well.. lessons learnt. =)

what the.. geok juz told me that his result's IQ 132!! =( higher than mine. HMPH!! haha.. joking larz joking.. i can take it tt i'm stupidER than him

anw, took another IQ test earlier today, and i was half dozing off.. got 60 qns arh.. somemore like all e same type one.. all e patterns and stuff like tt. So i was very sleepy.. sleeping already.. =P but i managed to complete it anw. Result was 124. Hmm.. v close to my other one. So is this accurate?

Well, but i'm still not convinced that i'm smart, or at least above average. I think i'm around higher average. Well.. low confidence level, one of e result i got from one of e many tests i've done. haha...

Here are my new stickman drawings!!

peek-a-boo!! Haha.. looks like 2 soldiers marching along somewhere and a person trying to hide from them xD

Quite random, i agree. =D

Dead flower.. implying the feeling of disappointment, sadness, hopelessness (is there such a word? xD)... somewhere along tt line larz..

a very simple stick man =)

第一百则，竟然是他。。。

短短的缘分，就这样断了。

回想当时我们真得很有缘分，

像是老天安排的一样。

原来，

那不过是老天爷开的一个小玩笑。

最终，我们原来只是

有缘无分。

之前，

种种的种种告诉我有希望，

所以我才有所期待？

或许吧。。。

如今，种种的种种告诉我

是时候放手了，

但是我仍然执著。

明知没希望了，

但仍无奈的单独等待。

大家，都是这样过过来的吗？

当时的缘分，

原来只是想让我学会

拿得起，放得下。

原来只是想让我体会，

等待一个人是多么痛苦的。

原来只是想让我认识那么一个男生，

跟那么一个男生做朋友。

朋友罢了。

就只是朋友。

我现在似乎处于不想理他的状态。

但也不打紧，

因为他也不会来找我。

就这样让缘分断了吧。

断了反而轻松了。

虽然偶尔会有些泪水，

但至少我比较轻松了。

一天比一天更肯定

他对我没意思。

不知为什么，今天，

我有信心我能忘了他。

何时才会忘了他，我并不知道。

但是我相信我能痊愈的。

其实，也只不过是。。。

我能接受他对我没意思的事实。

时间，将能让一切复原，

让我康复，让我快乐。

这是第一百则，

说的竟然是他。

我承认我仍然会想他，

我承认看见他时仍然会心情复杂。

我承认我仍然会等待，

我承认我仍会在人群中寻找他的影子。

我承认他曾让我感到幸福，

我承认我过去只是想太多罢了。

不论如何，

我总得忘记的。

因为，

我们只不过是朋友。

好刺耳的字眼，

“朋友”，原来可以那么难听。

你们不需为我担心，

因为我相信我快没事了。

只要他不再来惹我，

我很快就会没事了。

我也可以选择

若无其事的假装没事。

唉。。。

他好像真的不管我了。

既然如此，那就算了吧。

当初，我们从只是认识的人，

到互相打招呼，

到。。。 。。。 ，

到如今的不理不睬。

这也是一种缘分吗？

哈哈。。。 真是讽刺啊！

=S

越来越觉得他似乎察觉到了，怎么办？我认为现在不是时候让他知道，所以我并不想让他知道。怎么办？啊~ 我也越来越觉得他开始觉得我烦了。怎么一切都那么不好的？好无奈。我想我是时候完完全全的不理他了。好了，决定了。就这么办。试着不理他，试着放弃这一切。当朋友也没什么不好的呀！可是还是有点难过呀！唉。。。

somehow...

somehow, i got this feeling that he knows that i like him.

He might have known it through the way i behave,

or maybe people around him tell him that they think that i like him.

Whichever it is,

i'm left with one conclusion...

Be more careful with what i say here,

be more careful with the way i behave.

I don't know whether he knowing it is a good thing or a bad thing,

but for now,

i don't want him to know.

So for those in the secret, please do keep a secret k. Please!!

No smiling, giggling, hinting, winking, "haha"ing, "heehee"ing,

when it comes to things regarding him ok?

I would really, really appreciate it!

Today's still quite a happy day. But i wonder... if i'm really happy, or i merely convinced myself to be happy. If i'm really happy, is it because my birthday's coming? Though my birthday's just hours away, there isn't much excitement and anticipation now. Sigh.. without him celebrating it with me or at the very least saying happy birthday to me, what's the point? anw, he doesn't even know when my birthday is, what's the point? forget it.. it's impossible for him to know my birthday.. impossible.. impossible.. doubt he'll even care whether it's my birthday or not.

according to the weekly horoscope thingy on e chinese newspaper, this week is supposed to be a happy week. Well.. perhaps tt made me think that i'll be happy this week, therefore i convinced myself that i'm happy. Get what i mean? Anw, the thing is that i feel that i'm trying to convince myself that i'm happy. So.. i guess this means that i haven't gotten over it. This is bad. I seriously have to learn to forget. Perhaps the best way is to tell him straight and then get rejected. That will end everything. That will stop him from talking to me. That will help me in forgetting everything. Okay... i may be impulsive, but i'm not that impulsive to do that yet. I'm a loser.. period.

my bruise is healing =) faded a lot le.. okay, random. Affected by yuan i guess.. e random queen.

Had a bad dream last night. He rejected me through a letter. =( But it didn't affect my mood in e morning coz i was only concerned about whether or not i'll be late for school. xD But before that bad dream, was a very very short good dream. He said he likes me!! Well, but e nightmare seems more realistic.

那黑色的气球，是他给我的希望。

刚开始，气球里的气很多，

但渐渐地，其慢慢消去了。

气球，渐渐地死了。。。

气球，在也飞不起来了。

可是，他又给我的气球打气，

气球又飞起来了。

他给我气球打的气，

叫做友情。

那令我好像放掉那颗气球。。。

多希望，那友情，能变成爱情。

Mad Day!!

I don't know why, but today is quite a happy day =) First thing in the morning, PE!! yay!! and we played hockey with A22. =D tommie chen said that we're stronger than them, juz that they're luckier. Haha.. so we lost to them in the end. Eh... got hit again lei... siti hit my right ankle, which only started to sting seconds aft it got hit. Gabrielle hit the back of my left hand, turned red after tt, then someone hit e ball so hard it flew and hit my right knee. xD haha... don't worry, i don't blame any of them at all coz it's juz a game, a fun game!! xD Oh, and gabrielle was very polite. haha.. saw her during gp at e toilet, and she actually apologised again. It didn't really register at first, so when she said sorry, i was like "huh?" until she explained, "your hand" then i paused and "ohhh... it's ok" hahaha... talk about slow. Oh no, i'm being influenced by e slow rxn ppl around me. ppl like piggy and mel. xD

today's filzah's birthday. Happy birthday!! not like she reads my blog though =P still... haha.. she actually thought that 17 may was my birthday coz she remembered tt mine's very close to hers. The funny thing is tt she was going to message me last week to wish me happy birthday if it wasn't for her uncertainty. Haha.. it'll be so funny if she did message me. xD

Perhaps it's because my birthday is just 2 days away that i'm so happy. Or perhaps it's because i'm going to meet my friends on friday!! SUP!!! i miss sup!! and jia hao. and marcus. and eng siew... xD e rest still quite ok coz see you all more often, or chat online xD pls dun feel bad if i miss you out there, coz i miss everyone! juz tt theirs is more intense arh. *wink*

xD They plan to win A22 tmr on hockey. =D so fun.. so fun.. except for e getting hit part larz. oh.. tmr gotta go home alone =( coz they got math.. so sad.

There's so much homework to do, but i just can't bring myself to work hard. Sigh.. oh, and e sch fixed this digital countdown thingy tt counts down to A levels. -_-" but it's good larz.. that reminds me of crescent, juz tt ours is on paper, not so high tech. xD

*ahem ahem* my birthday is THIS WEDNESDAY!! haha.. *ahem ahem*

I still haven't buy present for ah geok.. dunno what to buy for you how arh? how?

纪念？

一个月？

应该是快两个月了吧！

刚看了看我在四月写的东西，

关于他的东西。

原来岁月过得如此之迅速，

转眼间，

都快两个月了。

喜欢他，快两个月了。

痛苦了，快两个月了。

之前的甜蜜，

再也找不回来了。

两个月，就这样白白的过了。

就因为他，

这两个月都浪费掉了。

就因为他，

这两个月哭了两桶的泪水。

哈哈。。。开玩笑的啦。

两个月，竟然能够这样的过。

那接下来的日子又如何呢？

仍然是等他吗？

仍然是想他吗？

仍然是为他而掉泪吗？

仍然是那么的痛苦吗？

我会因此而失去斗志吗？

我会因此而荒废学业吗？

我知道这一切都不值得，

但我就是无法

不去想他，

不去喜欢他，

不在这里一直等他。

哭，是自然而然会发生的。

眼泪，是难免的。

痛苦，是无可奈何的。

你，是遥不可及的。

我是你日记里的一行字，

而你，

对我说的几个字，

却能成为我日记里的几篇故事。

*害怕*

一个傻蛋的故事

傻傻的等他上网。

傻傻的等他主动找我。

傻傻的等他说话。

傻傻的盼望他的出现。

傻傻的，傻傻的。。。

傻傻的看到他却装没事。

傻傻的躲着他。

傻傻的想找他但又不理他。

傻傻的假装坚强。

傻傻的相信我总有一天会开心。

傻傻的，傻傻的。。。

就这么傻傻的，

我哭了。

就这么傻傻的，

我受伤了。

觉得我越来越傻了。我做的一切都好傻，好傻。我都不是自己了。我连我是谁都忘了。为何喜欢上一个人的时候，我们总是傻傻的。傻傻的做那么多，最后只换来失望与悲伤。我们好傻，好傻。我知道我现在狠傻，但又能如何呢？

多么希望他能说声：“我喜欢你！”

突然想起，不久前我作了一场梦。一场美梦。梦里，有他，也有我。梦里，我似乎问他喜不喜欢我。梦里，他似乎暗示了他喜欢我。我问他，为什么不表示的明显一点。他说：“太明确的表示就不刺激，不好玩了。”但是，他说那句话时所用的语气是好的，是真的喜欢我的。

多希望，我不曾从那梦中醒来。

Yet another day

Yet another day of thinking about him. Today, I hoped to receive a greeting from him, but i didn't get one. Sigh... why is life always like that? And the worst thing is that i saw him many times, saw him everywhere I go to... but i never got a "hi", not even a glance, or a smile, or a wave. Well, i was ignoring him anyway, so i can't say much.

He made me sad, because it seems like i'm nothing to him. Had that been a sudden interest? Had it been just an impulse? I guess i really meant nothing to him, nothing but just one of the many girls he knows. I think i'm getting to be obsessed. I really want to get to know more about him, to get hold of more information. It's as if i'm fighting a war.

前些日子，我爱上了蓝色。

因为我总觉得心情是蓝蓝的。

最近，日子似乎抹上了一层灰色。

我还未爱上灰色，

但它已成了代表颜色。

我的心情....

是染上灰色的蓝，

是混杂蓝色的灰。

虽然我还未爱上灰色，

但我已开始中意黑白。

它像是记忆，

像是在述说着

我的故事，

我的过去，

我的点点滴滴...

不知为何，

开始觉得我是孤单的。

不知为何，

有种孤军作战的感觉。

就算有朋友，

但最终总要自己面对。

所以才会孤单？

无可奈何，但又如何？

Enough said about him and that matter. Let's talk abt something else. Hmm... While i was waiting for my other teammates to arrive at the canteen (4x100m supposed to report), mama cheong came and stood beside me. She asked if i was running, and i said yes. She then asked what events was i going to run. I said 2 relays. And her reply was sth like "oh, you're running. So you're quite an all-rounder."

HUH? i stared at her when she said that. Yes, i stared with my eyes opened O.O bigger than tt. My reply was, "no." xD like definitely.

She said that i have the intelligence, just not working hard enough. Then i told her that i am very lazy indeed. Haha... I wonder what makes her think that i'm smart. It can't be from GP since i never do well for GP. My friends suggested that teachers talk too. So well, perhaps she got that piece of false information from miss chua? Actually, i was very VERY tempted to ask her what makes her think that i have the intelligence. But well, i didn't. I still feel like asking her though. Maybe i'll ask her on Monday. Hmm...

Is it because i look smart? As in, I look like i'm smart... hahaha... nvm.

Lifeless

This morning when i woke up, i wondered if i was fine. By the time i took the train, i thought that i was fine. By the time i reached school, I thought that i was fine. By the first break, i thought that i was fine. By the time i saw him, i concluded that I wasn't that fine afterall. I saw him for the first time today, and what did i do? I did the usual thing i do when i see him, i ignored him. So did he. Sometimes, it's so tiring. I don't know what's so tiring, but it's just so, so tiring.

Why did i have to meet him in the first place?

When i thought that i'm finally free from these problems, here comes a new one. Why did i go so deep into it? I should've climbed out of e prob before going too deep down. But, it's just so hard. I can't help it.

Am i only a friend to you? Do you just treat me as a friend? I want to know, but i'm afraid of the answer that you'll give me. I'm afraid that it'll be another disappointment, the last one that'll take my soul away from me and leave me as a lifeless puppet. I have a way of finding out, but i'm afraid.

Sometimes, people are just so ironic. Though i want to know the truth, I would rather stay this way. I thought i've finally gotten over it. But i realised yesterday that i had never gotten over it. Never did i. I merely hid it deep, deep inside my heart, trying to cover it up with other stuff. But it's too big, and it doesn't stay there, it moves around. Now is the time when it's no longer just deep inside my heart. Now is the time when it's everywhere. Now is the time I need to be kept occupied once again.

I never knew that i could be this vulnerable. I thought that i was strong and tough, at least when it comes to this kinda matter. Well, i guess i was wrong.

Thought that i could pull through till next wednesday at least. Guess i was wrong again. I hope for a self-initiated "Happy Birthday", but i know i shouldn't expect anything. I've learnt my lesson you know, the higher the expectations, the more disappointments i get. I hope that i've learnt my lesson. I hope that it'll all wane and that i'll be genuinely, truthfully happy one day.

Sometimes, i cry. Sometimes, i just stone. Most of the time, i'll just be quiet. Right now? i'm quiet. I had been stoning when i'm not typing. Now, i feel a little like crying. Everything seemed to have lost their meaning when i'm sad. Life seems to be meaningless too. What's the point? Why am i donig this? Why must i feel like that? Why am i here? Why me? Why you? Why now? Why the pain?

While i'm asking these questions, typing here, i'm listening to music too. Is this meant to be? This song that was playing randomly fits in so nicely. I'm listening to Frank sinatra's version by the way. And here's the lyrics,

Why do I do, just as you say.

Why must I just, give you your way

Why do I sigh, why don't I try to forget

It must have been,

that something lovers call fate

Kept me saying:

"I have to wait."

I saw them all,

just couldn't fall 'til we met

It had to be you,

it had to be you.

I wandered around,

and finally found

the somebody who

could make me be true,

And could make me be blue

and even be glad,

just to be sad

thinking of you

Some others I've seen,

might never be mean

Might never be cross,

or try to be boss

but they wouldn't do

For nobody else,

gave me a thrill

with all your faults,

I love you still

It had to be you,

wonderful you.

It had to be you

Doesn't that totally fit in? It must have been something that we ALL call fate, that this kind of thing happens so often.

nothing at all

All of a sudden, i felt like crying.

I felt like crying, but i couldn't cry. Luckily, a post in friendster managed to make me cry because what i read was how i felt right at the moment. So relevant, so sharp, so painful. Tears flowed down non-stop... i could feel them rolling down so fast.

I did something wrong, and i've decided not to touch on that topic ever. I apologise for what i've done, but i seriously don't remember. Whatever it is, I feel like leaving the crowd for a while. Not to be leave me alone as in literally leave me alone, but just don't talk to me for a while. I need some quiet moments.

I wonder if i'm fine. I wonder if i'll be fine tmr. I wonder if i'll be fine on my birthday. I wonder if i'll be fine during the june holidays. I wonder if i'll be fine when the worst i've been expecting all this while comes true. I was fine, but i am not fine. Tmr might be another droopy-eyes day. Tmr might be another feeling-lonely-while-walking-home day. It might even be a feeling-lonely-while-walking-to-school day.

I finally stopped needing to be kept occupied a few days ago. But now, i think i need to be kept occupied again. I have no idea what i really want.

Just like that, i've lost everything, and am left with nothing. Nothing, but sadness... nothing but sorrows... nothing but loneliness.. Well, it seems like i'm not left with nothing.

HEE HEE!!

Supposed to attend a course today, but e program had some problems in some coms. So... e guy decided to postpone today's course. He wants us to get hands on, you see.. So I was free. But i planned to eat dinner out with someone, so i stayed. Ming yuan was free to eat with me aft her odac =), so i waited for her lorz.. Drew things again, my eerie no eyes series, and started a new crazy drawing..

Oh.. i sent a message to a wrong person. Was supposed to send it to mel but i accidentally sent it to yuan, >.<. Panicked coz I mentioned him inside e message, not his name, but him. ahhhhhh~ but after that i decided to tell her larz.. coz i know she won't spread one.. I'm juz worried that she'll tease me, you know..

HAHA!!

HEE HEE!!

While walking home from somerset, i suddenly felt very lonely. I walk the same route almost every day, alone, but i seldom feel lonely. Today's one of e days when i feel pretty much alone. Perhaps i'm missing him. Perhaps...

Found that it's still quite hard to get back to what we used to be. It has always been awkward, now more than ever. Sometimes, i really don't dare to talk to you. Sometimes, i fear that you don't want me to talk to you, but just put up with me because you don't want me to feel bad. It can make me cry so easily, the power of words, i guess.

Sometimes, i really wish that life has a remote control, for us to rewind, pause, or fastforward. But time doesn't stop to wait for us, life's like that. It's just like that.

injuries

Hmm.. after my ugly bruise, i got hit by a basketball on e head yesterday, and today, i got hit by a hockey stick right at my face!! T-T Anw, my ugly bruise of course didn't disappear, but i can see that it's better today =) Now i hope that there won't be a bruise on my face coz actually tt guy swung e hockey stick hard enough to make it very painful at tt moment.. my tears actually came out.. but i didn't cry. I'm a strong baby.. xD

Haiz... nothing much to say today.. it's quite a boring day. Mundane...

Saw him today, i greeted him because he saw me. =S I'm passive larz... dao kid is like that one mah.. It's not that i'm dao lorz.. it's juz tt i'm shy xD no larz.. i find it awkward to say hi sometimes.. not just to him, this applies to everyone. So... please dun say tt i'm dao le can?

Eh.. today's not a happy day, nor is it a sad day. It's a boring day. Boring boring boring.... BORING!!! =( Had been very sleepy through e day... slept while waiting for yuan yuan to finish training after pe. By e time they came back to wake me up, i was very very blur le... I'm either blur or frustrated when i'm being woken up. xD so be careful not to "offend" me orh..

Hmm.. mama juz called to say that she's not cooking, that she's in subway. Asked me what i want. Chose turkey, not sure if it's nice though. But well.. i'm not that hungry anyway... drank pearl milk tea juz now le. Was so blur that i spilled my milk tea. See how blur i can get when i juz woke up?

There's so much work to do!! SO MUCH!! and i'm very behind time.. esp for econs and chinese.. but, i'm not doing anything. Haiz... Juz can't bring myself to work hard enough. Why is jc life 2 years only? Why can't they make it 3 years so that i'll be happier. Stupid education system. Stupid..

Oh.. now i remember some things that happened today worth talking about. In e morning, this ah ma in a wheelchair board e train from amk. A lady pushed her into e train then left. E ah ma then started whining, "crying", complaining... ... finally she alighted at yishun (but tt's not her destination), leaving us some words before e door shut... she said, "i'm going to die, i'm going to jump!" THat's so scary arh!! I kept thinking if she meant it or was it just another "say say only" from an elderly. I'm afraid that she really did jump. I'll be plagued with SO SO much guilt coz i had the ability to stop her!! oh no...

Ya.. dun feel like typing le.. gotta do GP anw.. sianz..

BIG BIG bruise

Hmm... basically today, i've been a mobile exhibit!! Whahaha... so fun. And what have i been exhibiting? Those in school, you should know. My BIG BIG bruise!! (that looks so so painful, but it's not =P)

Well, it is painful of course, but not as painful as it seems.. unless you hit e right spot, which none of you did. =D Jason actually thought that it was very painful and fake an attempt to hit my bruise, which i just told him, "hit lorz.. not pain one. " Haha.. and he really hit it, but he didn't hit e right spot. xD E black black purplish part looks e most painful, but it's e part that's not tt colourful that is painful!! And i actually accidentally hit tt spot lightly, against e chair, twice i think. Ouch...

Everyone's been asking how i got the bruise. xD Someone asked jokingly if i was abused at home. Haha... Miss Choo was so shocked and she asked me to see a doctor if it's not painful coz it might be cancerous, but well.. it is painful. Just not THAT painful. =) But it's really ugly >.<>

Sigh.. have to pay soooooooo much money. =( Supported yuan yuan and M45 by buying a set of postcards, $4.50. Tmr gotta bring $35 for prom, and $10 for class photo, and wed gotta pay $140 for courses. Ahhhhhh~ How am i gonna ask for money from my daddy? So paiseh.. *pouts*

Come come.. who wants to see my wound. $5 per minute.. you can stare at it, you can poke it, smack it like how jason did with his bottle, take pictures, try cleaning it to see if it's marker ink and not a real bruise.. xD

Errm... gotta say that i'm happier these days though i still face the same problem =P Perhaps because it's just the beginning of the week. Haha.. or perhaps it's because that i'm not expecting that much from him anymore. So that every little thing that he does seems =) to me, and not like it's not enough... blah blah blah.. haha..

enough crapping.. just pray that my ugly bruise will be gone by next morning.. =S i doubt it will.

Today is sunday!!

Today's Sunday!!

Sunday = study at GWC macs day xD

As usual, i went to great world's macs.. they seriously should give me a VIP card.. and i haven't even signed up for e membership xD nvm larz.. e people there know me le.. =) Still remember this time i went to mcs and e guy ask me how come so long nv visit mcCafe.. xD oh.. i went to mcCafe today.. and he knows that i want a frappe. Haha... see what i mean? Oh.. and they should pay me for cleaning their tables.. i mean, seriously!! i know that sometimes they don't have the time to clean the tables.. so i help them clean (the one tt i'm using only =P).

Anyway, while waiting for Piggy to come, i saw 2 guys walked past, then wondered... this guy looks like someone.. Justin Jap... OH!! he seriously looks like justin jap!! In the end, from where i sat, i could see the 2 guys clearly. One of them IS justin jap! haha.. but i didn't say hi. By the time i want to say hi, he's gone already.. xD too bad then.

Then... while doing math, and still waiting for piggy, i got bored and looked around for a while (to keep me from dying of boredom) , then i saw zek with his mum. xD he was wearing this big big checked shirt, and he looks like mummy's boy. He was with his mummy anw. xD Once again, since i'm known as e Dao kid.. i didn't say hi. as always, not surprising at all isn't it? =) Oh.. then he told me online that everyone said that he looks like an uncle in that outfit. Haha... guess he really has a bad dressing sense. oops.. don't worry, i told that to him directly already. xD

After Piggy came, and after quite a long time, i went to evergreen to buy dividers. Came back to hear from piggy that Brenda's here too. Oh before i went up, i actually saw this girl who looks like brenda, but dressed weird. =\ So i thought perhaps it's just someone who looks like brenda. When piggy told me that, i asked her "was she wearing a skirt?" coz tt person was wearing a skirt. But piggy said that she was wearing shorts. well.. ok then. Who knows, when brenda came to join us, she told me that she was wearing skirt!! So i did see her!! Oh my... hahaha.. she said that she has bad dressing sense and she wore that skirt for church. Ok... haha.

When he's online, all i do is watch his msn nick. Then while doing things, i'll check if he's still online. I'll keep checking until he goes offline. So, i'm kinda hoping that he'll go offline quickly so that i won't feel that stupid anymore, but i also hope that he'll stay online and chat with me! =( He's offline already =) Great!!

Oh.. i have this really big bruise!! Show my friends if i see them. It's sooooooooo big and black. So ugly. So obvious!! It'll be so so ugly tmr!! e bruise's at e top of my calf you see.. Arghh... blame myself for being kan cheong during GP lecture and blame Charleston for sitting SOOOO far.. o_o

my happy mood's ruined

Now i finally understand why e song goes...

I love you then i hate you then i love you then i hate you....

sth like tt.

Now i know.. because that's exactly what i'm experiencing now... exactly how i feel now.. this love and hate is separated by merely one fine line.. hopefully i'll manage to fly up and leave tt area... so tt i can neither love nore hate.

Happy Mother's Day -in advance-

Eh... sth random.. i slept for more than 17 hours from 12 am to 5 pm on friday. xD Not bad right!! I think i should participate in some sleeping contest.. surely can win one.. pure talent, don't even need training. Haha.. one day, i'll die sleeping.. =P

Anyway, today's Mother's Day Eve!! I went out to search for mom's present at great world.. also to search for some nice t-shirts/skirts for myself. Hmm.. found some really nice bracelets but they're beyond budget and i only had 50 bucks with me >.<

I'm getting to feel that i'm like a substitute, a nobody actually... erm... it's like, he'll chat with me online, but it gives me the feeling that he's only chatting with me coz nobody's online, or the person he usually chats with is not online. It makes me feel so insignificant. I can just sit there and look at his msn nick, staring right back at me... and i just do nothing but look at it. I don't want to initiate a chat.. I want him to initiate a chat. But well... Things don't always happen the way you want them to. That's life, isn't it?

Sometimes, i do have this feeling that he's avoiding me. But at times when i acted as though i didn't see him at all, he'll say hi! Does it always work like that? This is kinda weird isn't it? He's never there when i want him there, but he's always there when i'm trying to avoid, or ignore him. Is this meant to be life? haha... what a great joke.

Anyway, i'm in quite a good mood =) Haha... happy happy... except for e money i spent on e present >.<

=\

Eh... today's quite a fine day. e only bad thing is that though it's e last day of school, i still have to stay back till quite a late time coz i need to run for my 200 m finals. Sigh... so sad. xD But other than that, nothing really sad happened larz.

Alright.. now for my 200 m finals.. it's a total disappointment. =\ My timing was even slower than my heats arh. Sigh.. i actually ran 34.44 when e previous one was 33.68 (ard there). Ahhhh.... This time round, when i'm approaching e finishing line, i really slowed down. As in.. SLOWED down.. yep. So slow that e person running behind me ran ahead of me a lil. Sigh... so in the end i got 6th place. So sad.. dropped 2 places. Was still hoping to surpass yi zheng. haha.. she ran faster this time. Luckily for her, diana's no longer here to compete, so she can get third. =)

Hmm... quite tired now.

Oh on my way out of school, i saw ian, zek and ben. Haha.. told ben again that i clapped. xD He really very shy shy eh... haha.. heard from zek that after e competition, this guy from TPJC actually went to find ian and told him that he has a nice voice. xD eeeks!! kinda creepy. Freaked him out, of course.. somehow.. according to zek at least. haha.. still happy that we won!! wooo~

My optimistic friend taught me to hope. Sigh... I seriously don't know whether i should hope or not. As i had said some time earlier, if i have expectations, i'll have disappointments. so, haiz... Anyway she taught me to hope coz sth happened today. But that sth is like... quite like nothing larz.. So.. well.. anyway...

this should be my shortest entry in during this period of time. xD OH!!! Mr chu is in a very good mood today!! Sharks! Forgot to thank e 3 of em juz now for making mr chu so happy that he didn't scold us at all. AT ALL!! which is like wow!! haha.. shall tell them if i remember. =P

WE WON!!

I saw him again. But i ignored him. Not sure if he even saw me... but i didn't bother to greet him at all. Oh, well...

anyway, went to watch e symposium (not sure if tt's how you spell it), some econs competition larz.. It's held in VJC and our sch's team is one of e 3 finalists. E other 2 are from Anderson and Yishun. Since there isn't a course today, i went to watch e competition.

Thought that AJC was not bad, but when our school team went up, whooo~ quite confident that they will win. xD AJC's format is like debating... e points are quite clear.. oh ya. all 3 jcs chose e same topic surprisingly, Airbus A380. Our sch team's format is like a talk show... they actually named it incrediblenewsasia. xD With e "Incredibles" logo. Ian was e host, Zek was e rep of SIA (i think.. dun really remember), and Benjamin is an expert (dun really remember this too xD).

SO FUNNY!!! hahaha.. Ian introduced Zek and shook hands with him. HAha.. oops sorry.. reminded of e comical handshake. Anw, so Ian greeted Mr. Chak, and Zek said call me Chaky (chucky xD). So for e whole presentation he's called Chaky. hahaha.. and yesterday, he was e "creepy boyfriend". Oh my.. Started crapping here and there.. Am amazed by how they memorised all e figures.. >.<

Oh.. but some rather embarrassing things happened inside VJC's auditorium. At the end when e results were announced, someone actually shouted, "3 cheers and 3 cheers and 3 cheers for innova..." I was like.. what the.. it's so embarrassing arh.. so malu!! It's like a wrong place to do that thing lorz... After leaving e auditorium, got to know that jason and ming yuan also thought that it's very embarrassing.

Then went for dinner at delifrance with yuan yuan. Chat and chat and chat... Finally came home. =D

Oh.. on my way home, i saw this guy, quite skinny arh.. and from e back, i thought that he looks like my primary school classmate, who stays at my block. Didn't really look at him coz it'll be a bit weird right.. anw i usually dun look at ppl one larz.. Eh.. all e way from e traffic light to e condo, to my block. We're walking e same route. He sorta sped up a lil when we're approaching e gate... i opened e gate and left it open for him to enter.. still didn't see his face. Finally, aft we got into e lift, i saw him. First, i look at e storey he pressed, 13 (that's exactly where my ex-classmate stays)... then i looked at him for a while, he looks like him, but like not leh.. haha.. can't be sure. His build seems like him, but like... i don't know. And he's wearing this unknown uniform. From e back i thought it was SAJC, but in e lift, i saw a school crest at e chest pocket. So it can't be a jc right? That's why i said it's weird. haha.. but i think it is him eh. Hmm... didn't say hi coz i wasn't that sure actually. =P

Somehow, i feel like giving up on him. I think he's basically nice to everyone and that i'm thinking too much larz. So... I might continue to wait and see.. but i guess i won't be expecting much unless he gives me hope again. Hmm.. doubt that'll happen though. Shall avoid him? Shall ignore him? I don't know. Haha.. We'll see about it, when i see him... see my reaction.

Can we cry ourselves dead?

人能够哭死吗？

感觉好笨，好傻。这一切犹如梦境般，

是个美梦，

但梦醒了却连一丝丝的幸福也没从梦中带出来。

这是一场美梦，

也是一场恶梦。

不愉快的一天，从早上开始。其实本来是还蛮不错的，但渐渐地，所有事情都跟我作对。就这样的，直到跟朋友聊天后，才渐渐比较好了。但是，后来又从我同学口中听到一则坏消息。本来我没事的，但在我最后一个人搭车回家时，和在地铁站等雨停时，我开始想那则坏消息。越想越辛苦，但又很难不想。就这样的，我现在并不快乐。

跟某个人谈话时，似乎总会让我感到很伤心，很难过。尤其当我心情差的时候。就像现在一样。他所说的话，总会让我很想哭。这不是他的错，或许是我太情绪化了吧。这或许也是报应吧。

I shall now classify e good things and bad things of e day.

good things:

1. I passed my DRQ for e first time (pls dun laugh at me >.<)
2. i managed to catch my train though i woke up late and showered
3. I ate ice cream at Gelare with frenz after PE =)
4. Drank pearl milk tea too!!
5. Heard something new about him

bad things:

1. Though i managed to catch my train, i forgot to bring my PE T-shirt
2. no one can lend me PE T-shirt.. end up buying my 4th one
3. PE was disgustingly led by a stupid shortie who makes me so >=(
4. I expected sth to happen but it did not
5. Though i heard sth new abt him, it's bad news
6. it rained hard when i planned to go home straight and stone in my room
7. i cried for sth someone said (dun worry, it's not you mel)
8. i actually thought that i should keep everything to myself from now onwards (not sure if i really am gonna do this though)

Come to realise that I shouldn't expect too much. Because when i expect sth to happen, and it doesn't happen. I'll feel disappointed, and sad. That explains why my general mood today isn't tt great. So.. I guess i should expect e worst so that i won't be disappointed.

Life is a vacuum cleaner [ON]

So tired...

Hmm.. quite a few things happened today... regarding him? nah.. very lil things abt him. Basically, Miss chua got agitated in math tutorial again. =P As usual.. coz she's not talking about what i want to know, or what i don't know, i was doing my work. Eh.. she gives me permission to do that k. i'm supposedly her best math student in arts fac xP (erm.. does this mean that she doesn't know me well enough? xD) Charleston got scolded for not listening during tutorial coz he wasn't doing anything, i sorta got praised for nothing coz she thought that i was ahead of them. Erm... maybe i am ahead of em, but i didn't even complete what she had initially wanted us to complete. I was doing qn 6 when she sorta praised me, when we're supposed to complete qn 8 by today.. xD lucky me.. phew..

eh.. e next thing to talk about, sports heats. -_-" eh... what can i say.. nothing surprising except that i actually got into e finals for 200 m. So i'm supposed to run on thurs again? But there's not a high chance of squeezing into top 3 even though diana's gone. Coz there's still that bamboo yi zheng who runs faster than me... >.<

Perhaps it's because it's been quite some time since i last ran/sprint.. so... quite tiring arh.. oh! and aft tt i drank banana strawberry milkshake. and guess what, i got a stomachache right aft i drank it. -_- So i walked so slowly to e MRT station, and slept once i got a seat... woke up to see a dark dark sky outside.. and i thought i missed my somerset already. xD But i was still around amk.. haha.. thought that was quite funny. So i continued sleeping.. (sorry larz.. really tired leh) all e way till i reached novena.. i woke up. My stomachache's gone!! whee! But i was still very tired larz.. so... i walked slowly uphill and downhill.. finally home sweet home!!

Oh.. sth quite stupid happened today. Dunno who started this paper volleyball game during GP in e library's discussion room. It was later brought to e math remedial class, where i stayed coz there's no chinese and i have no where else to go. xD How crazy is that. My friends were still saying perhaps in e near future it will become a cca. hahahaha.. oh did i say my friends? oops.. to clarify, erm.. i dunno them actually. Please dun relate us together. xD

Today's still a happy day though i did see him. eh... perhaps i am starting to move on with my life!! isn't tt great?! Oh.. confirmed sth today.. he doesn't dislike me. I think. Told tt to 2 ppl separately and got e same response. "why will he dislike you?" Haha.. anw, happy day!!

mood = everything

Came to realise that our mood really affects the way we see things.

Was watching pride and prejudice just now, again yes. xD And i felt differently from e previous tiem i watch e movie. Last time, I felt sad through e whole movie though there are some parts that are rather sweet. This time, I felt sweet through e movie though some parts of it are rather sad. xD Perhaps that's because I know that there's this happy ending, so all e sad moments are part of e happiness. =)

This leads me to another topic. Perhaps one of the reasons why we're so afraid when in love is because we don't know what's going to happen next. We fear the unknown. So.. because we don't know e outcome, we don't know what will happen, we become afraid. Guess that's how i feel. It's the unknown. I don't know if he likes me or not. That's the unknown for now. xD But well..

Another thing mentioned in the movie, when lizzy is in a conversation with charlotte. Lizzy claimed that jane does like mr. bingley but charlotte says that jane doesn't show her affection enough (jane's a shy person who often keeps things to herself). Then charlotte said something that really sounds logical. We often need encouragements to continue liking someone. In a way, i'm kinda like waiting for that encouragement to come. It came to me some time ago, or at least i thought it came... but for now, i need more to go on. That's why i'm waiting. But.. to be pessimistic and realistic, I doubt it's gonna come. So... whatever.. i'm not in the mood to feel sad about this matter today. xD Today's quite a crazy day.

Now i'm thinking if i'm happy today because i've gotten over it and am moving on with my life or is it just because I didn't see him at all today. Whichever it is, I'm glad that i'm in quite a good mood today. =) Gives me a break at least.

new idol!!

Hey ppl!!

I've got a new idol!!

He's damn cool. Seriously.. seriously.. i didn't know that he's that famous at first. My bro was e one who introduced e video clip to me... David Elsewhere dancing in kollaboration 2001, which made him famous. He's like... he's like.. a rubber boy!! anw, that's what he's called on e web too. hahaha... he's real good. Do type "david elsewhere" on youtube and watch his dances.. he's totally cool.

Had been searching for nice videos today.. oh ya.. type "christmas lights gone wild" too. Once again, i watched that with my brother. haha.. oh oh oh ... and i watched this jap show for kids... pythagoras switch.. then there's this dance. At first it was quite boring and stupid.. but after that.. they danced e same dance, this time round with a group of ninjas behind.. in a line. It's kinda funny watching a group of them dance that in a line. I started laughing when they danced... xD

Basically today's quite a mad day.

Oh.. and i finally gone back for dance practice.

No idea why.. but i'm not in my sad sad mode today!! =D Perhaps it's because i don't see him today!! Weee~ Hmm... but i did think about him once or twice during dance practice... ya.. but just thought about him lorz.. nothing much.. Dance needs concentration, so i can't think much when i have to dance. Btw, i had e time to think of him because my teacher is busy correcting someone's position. Ya...

Otherwise, i'm happy today!! mad day.. but i didn't do my homework.. which is bad.. =P well.. tmr is another day of mugging up in GWC's mcs with piggy. xD try finding me there..

I'm tired

What? Did i promise myself to stop thinking and stop writing so much about it? Well, I guess it's just so hard to carry out what i've promised myself. It's just so hard. It's been a painful day, because while i'm trying not to think about him, i kept seeing him around, again and again. If i called what had happened before as fate, then i guess we're only fated to be friends and nothing more. It's just a coincidence that we pass each other so many times. It's just coincidence. Nothing but coincidence.

虽然我一直看到他，但我不敢正眼看他。就知道他在那里，就知道我们擦肩而过，赶快离开就对了。原来，喜欢上一个人是那么痛苦的。这是必经的路程吗？为什么会那么难过呢？本来，一整天那样下去很完美的，怎么知道，又再一次的见到他。见到他的那一刻，我整颗心都沉了下去。为什么连一天的平静也不给我呢？不知道为什么，今天我就是不想见到他，却一直见到他。见到他也就算了，他竟然还跟我说话。实在是。。。

原来，我画画的时候，也是会想事情的。但是，我可以边想事情，边画画，因为画画是个人的事情，没有什么标准答案，不需要多加思考，想画什么就画什么。今天，第一次在图书馆的时候，很想写些东西，但我不是一个人，所以不方便。第二次在图书馆，我开始画画了，想打发时间，不想让我有空闲的时候，不想想他。一切都没怎样，但我朋友突然问了我一句 “最近如何？”，边有启动了一切不该启动的。我又开始想事情了。

在等待课外活动开始的那段空档，我又开始画画了。画着，画着，心里仍然想着那一件事。就这样，越画越伤心，眼泪也差一点流出来。也许，画画也带给我某些回忆吧。

I'm tired. Tired of many many things. Well, i haven't been sleeping well lately, not totally because of him, don't worry. The condition is not that bad... yet. I'm tired of studying, tired of thinking about him all this while when i know that it's pointless. Tired of waiting for him to come online, when again i know that it's pointless. Tired of waiting for him to come and say hi. Tired of waiting for him to initiate a chat online. Tired of being so busy with so many things to do. Tired of promising myself to go for dance practice when I always end up not going because I just feel so tired!

Yesterday, i said that it's just a short period of overwhelming sadness. Now i'm starting to think that perhaps the calmness before was just a short period of calmness amidst a long term sadness. So... I guess I really have to learn to cope with this sadness, and learn to live with it. Though i try to close my eyes tight, I will still open them every now and then to take a look at the tiny flickering flame, that is getting smaller and smaller each day. Sometimes, i would rather console myself with "Perhaps he's just too busy. That's why he's not been taking any actions"

Read my friend's blog with regards to my blog. Haha... well, i have to say that through this incident, i've learnt that i have true friends around me, who are really concerned about me. As for what geok has to say in his blog, I actually don't really have anything to say. My friend asked me if i'm the kind of person who needs to be in a relationship. I thought for a moment and told her that I think I'm the independent kind, who can live without being in a relationship. Well, I still think i am the independent creature I thought i am, but i also know that it takes time to forget, and move on with life.

Perhaps he's just not careful with his words. Perhaps he's used the wrong words unconsciously. Perhaps he doesn't mean what i thought he meant. Perhaps nothing's what it seems to be. Perhaps I don't really like him in the first place. Haha.. the last one is so 自欺欺人.

Of course, i have other things to talk about, like my school work. =S I really need to catch up with my studies. Didn't study for econs test today, so i can't expect to pass. It's an essay test, not MCQ you see.. sigh... Why am i not hardworking, determined, or at the very least, be bornt with ultra high quality brain? Then i can live my life slacking yet scoring. Guess life just can't be so perfect.

I miss him, but at the same time, i don't want to see him. You understand how i feel? haha... I don't know what i'm thinking actually. I'm hungry. Talk about being random. But i am really hungry. Had wanted to eat chips, but thought that they should be back home soon. Well, guess i'm wrong. Sigh... FOOD!!!

empty promises

promised myself not to think so much, but i broke the promise. My eyes will still automatically go in search of him when i pass that place. I can't help it.

Had a sharing session with mel today. Happy to hear that she felt a lil better after talking to me, though it's just a little better. =) As for me, frankly, i don't feel any better after sharing. But don't worry, I'm quite alright to begin with, so i'm still quite fine. Don't worry about me. I'm still strong enough to move on with my life. After calming myself down and think through all again, I feel much better already. So... though I still feel sad, it's not as bad as before.

The hope he had given me is like a tiny flame flickering in the dark with the wind threatening to destroy the tiny bit of hope i have with me. The tiny flame is still surviving though there is no additional oxygen given to it, because it is still living on the great impact from before. The tiny flame will soon be dead unless oxygen is provided. I feel like letting the wind kill the tiny flame, but my hands just automatically block the flame from the wind, protecting it. I'm living in a world of contradictory.

Sometimes, just the look of you hurts. You're so near, yet so far. Sometimes, I long to see you. And when i see you, I feel both happiness and pain inside me, twisting and turning, causing even more pain.

最远的距离，是我在你身边，但你不知道我爱你。

Although it's not that deep yet, but well... i guess this phrase somehow explains why i'm feeling so much pain inside me. But it's more than that. So what if you know that i like you? Perhaps you've already guessed it. It just seems like you're avoiding me, somehow. I don't know why. It just seems like it. Even if you know that I like you, doubt you'll return the little bit of love.

Currently, i'm in the phase of moving on with my life, while i still think of him at times. I know that i can't waste my time on him, since there's not much chance of getting what i want, so I guess i really need to move on with life. I'm on my way already. =) Guess i have to live with the sadness and carry on with my life. Occasionally, the sadness will be overwhelming, but it doesn't happen all the time, so i guess it's quite alright. I'll get used to the sadness, and one day, i won't even remember that it's there.

This is one of the occasional overwhelming sadness. Will i still be this sad 20 days later? I really hope to have a happy birthday. GP paper is no longer on that day, so is that worth celebrating? But well, just that is definitely not enough to make my birthday happy. Guess there's nothing i can do about it. Like what i've said, i just have to move on with my life. Overwhelming sadness... overwhelming... the tears... rolling down... but the sadness stays, taking a longer time to be gone.

Though the few of you said that there is hope, i just can't seem to see it. In fact, it seems like we're getting further apart. Perhaps he's busy with his stuff, perhaps he's not that interested in me as I thought, perhaps he's already avoiding me, perhaps he just thinks that i'm a nuisance. Perhaps.. perhaps.... perhaps it's all but a dream. How relieved i'll be if it is just a dream, someone just have to wake me up!

While i'm feeling sad over this, I'm wondering if i've lost a friend. Something to be definite, we will never be as close as before anymore, and will be even more awkward, i suppose. I've stopped saying sorry, because i know it doesn't help. Just a few words for you, who used to care so much about me...

please take good care of yourself.

Pathetic

Went to school late today :P I'm too tired larz... first ever time that i actually fall asleep while playing.. Shows how tired i am.. that's why i went to bed straight after e game. xD

Ehh... I hope that with this entry, I shall put an end to e thread of troubled entries.. Well, many reasons why I think i should stop talking about it here. Since most of e part is sad, if i go on talking about him, all of you will think that i am so so so so sad... like i'm going to commit suicide any time xD. Dun worry... it's not tt serious.. yet. xD hahaha... eh.. next, I'm quite restricted here eh.. cannot say too much while expressing my feelings.. Why? Just dun wanna let anyone know who it is (except for those who already know) just in case you all know tt person i'm talking abt. =P Quite unlikely. Actually, very unlikely.. but well, playing safe. xD Anyway, if i'm gonna continue talking about him, i guess all my entries will be sad, because there really isn't any progress at all. Instead, i think it might be going the other way... or it might be stagnant. Sigh... I'll just have to wait.

Eh... quite tight these days. Take today for example, i have to attend 3D studio max 8 course, and half way through e course have to leave for 100 m heats (results: 6th position, didn't get in finals). So well... I still have to continue going for heats, still got 200 m. Then on sports day itself, there's e relay. Eh... of course, it's more than tt larz. xD I still have to join this computron competition.. deadline's 12 may!! oh my goodness!! I don't even have any idea what i'm gonna do abt it!! Actually, i have larz.. but nv really research or sketch and all... sigh... how? how? how? Some more Mr. Lee still ask me to join e creative writing too!! Creative writing?! CREATIVE WRITING?!?! ok ok.. let me get this clear.. first, i'm not creative. second, i don't write well!!! ahhhhhhhhhhh~

Like.. help~~ help!!! haha...

mel talked about her weird dream. Well, actually i had this weird dream too. It was either before or during camp. I dreamt about camp. Dreamt that Mr geok and freddo actually were sitting in e canteen, eating and chatting, while we were having games. *boing* xD hahaha... what a dream.. I can only say that i was shocked to see them in e dream.

I am testing colours here

Testing one two three

testing one two three

waiting

now that i've learnt how painful it is to wait, i really want to apologise. You've been waiting for me all these while, and i didn't realise how much it hurts. Now i know.

After telling my friends, they concluded that he must be at least a little interested in me. But, the hope he gives me is like a balloon. Sometimes, he'll refill it with helium, but sometimes, he doesn't do that. So the balloon floats and deflates and floats and deflates.

whatever

I want a precise answer, at least something more obvious. I know that i like you. But i don't know if you do like me. I guess that you like me, my friends think that you like me, but in what way we have no idea at all!! That's the problem. Sigh...

I actually got happier on that sad and moody day after talking to you. That's how affected I am. That's how much you can influence me. I now stone in class because i'm thinking of you. Because i'm troubling over tt matter. That's how useless i am.

I imagine the same scene happening to you. You asking your friends for opinions, asking them if it seems like i'm at least a lil interested in you. But they are only imaginations, I hope that they are more, but i'm realistic. Some things can only live in dreams. This is one of the things.

I need some proper encouragement from you... so that I can go on. So that i'll know that i'm not wrong, know that i'm blessed. But these encouragements don't come. I don't know why, but i have this feeling that you're somehow avoiding me a little. In another way, it's like you're being shy. Someone said that perhaps it's because of my coldness in treating people in general sometimes, that discourages you from talking to me.

This is like the darkest chocolate. I can only tasted the bitter part now... the sweetness comes and goes, and it's so little. Though it might seem insignificant, but due to e contrast, they do seem very sweet. And i mean, VERY sweet.

It's so painful to wait for you to come online... especially when in the end, you actually don't come online.. Like now... I long to talk to you, but i fear doing so. I really feel like asking you, but it's too great a cost, losing a friendship. i'm not confident enough to ask you. This is a different situation from before. You are different from tt previous guy, in many ways. But i doubt you'll read this anyway.

My friends suggested hinting, which i did. But i received no response. It just seems like you're indifferent. Can you like be more obvious?

more than juz crazy...

Today's a mad day. I slept for 16 hours, in the living room, with the fan on, with the lights off, with no blankets, still wearing my specs, and my hairband. That's how i ended up with new mosquito bites.

So when i woke up, it's already 4 pm. For the rest of the day, I felt like doing nothing. Was surprised that i'm not hungry. But thought that i should bite something at the very least. Showered, and felt like watching pride and prejudice again.

So i did.

Don't know why, but it's pointless to do work anyway, since i can't concentrate, and i don't feel like doing work. Cried while watching, no surprise. It's touching. But this time it's more than just touching.

What beautiful eyes keira knightley has.

What beautiful eyes matthew macfadyen has.

Suddenly, i'm in love with "pride and prejudice" again. Suddenly, i'm in love with maksim's pieces again.

Suddenly, i recalled how sad "somewhere in time" can be. Realised that "leeloo's tune" can be very sad too. Learnt that everything seems sad when one is sad. Even if you know that it is happy, you feel sad deep inside you. That's how sad it is. Once again, i've become the moody soul inside this shell.

Sometimes, I don't know whether i should be sad or glad. I feel both feelings inside me. But i can also feel that the sadness is overpowering, so powerful that it can totally cover the gladness. That's how sad i am. That's how sad it is.

Tears have become a routine, not because of him, not because of you. It's just me. and perhaps the monthly one. Sadness can make me so quiet. So quiet that you can't recognise me at all. So quiet that you would've thought of me as a stranger, or wouldn't even notice me at all. That's how sad it is.

maksim's music really suit me now. I don't know why. Even if you listen to his music, you won't know how i feel. Because when a person is sad, everything is sad. Unless you have my sadness in you, don't even try finding it out, or trying it out.

no one to talk to, because i am not willing to talk to anyone. There used to be someone, but it's no longer apt to tell that someone. For the rest of you, it's just not suitable. Perhaps I just want to keep it to myself. No one knows, because i don't want anyone to know.

Thousands of question inside, but the cost of asking is too great. I'd rather not know the answers than to take the risk.

There's so much to say, so much that i don't know what to say. So much inside me that i no longer know what they are. So much came out that i don't know what i've lost. So many things happening that i don't know who i am anymore. In the first place, have i ever known myself at all?

Just for this certain matter, I've learnt so much and lost so much. What a sad and confusing post this is. Not forgetting random. I'm more than just crazy. More than just sad.